Macbook

I can't wait to get my macbook and lock myself up in my room, oblivious to the noise, and distractions. UGH!!! Having my own laptop means so much to me, so I've been feeling different since the Toshiba finally succumbed to its last breath, and finally, certified by Mr. Eric.

One of the disadvantage of having a big family is there is never any quiet moments or privacy. If I wanted absolute privacy, it would have to be in my bathroom. I have a huge headache right now, from breathing an incessant amount of burnt fumes. And cold from opened windows.

Was going to get a Christmas tree and some computer/study desks today but cancelled our plans cuz we slept in. Our old Christmas tree was thrown out three years ago cuz of the insane amount of work, so we're shopping for a simpler and shorter tree.

Lately, I haven't been wanting to see people or go out or talk to people. I just feel this need to be alone, and it seems to be a really loud need on some days. I kinda want to laugh it all out but nobody can really make me laugh, unless I entertain myself...

Am currently working on a friend's present, and hopefully after getting the Mac, will organize all my pictures to be sent to print. I kinda can't wait to start organizing pictures into my photo albums, but seeing those past pictures kinda make me sad. In some odd way, I feel like I've gotten so old just because everything has changed. It's like trying to be content despite all the changes. I also realized I pushed away most of these people because I can't stand their attitude or our differences are so prominent that I find them really hard to get along with, or I don't give them a chance, so I just give up because I don't want to waste my time. Yet a part of me nags about giving people chances, and being persistent etc. I think staying honest to myself and the people in my life is getting a lot harder, without making so many compromises and thus, affecting my relationships/friendships...

Blah, this is a shabby entry but I just felt like solidifying my feelings into words right now. Sorry you had to sift through my crap in reading this haha.

Sentiments of Enchantment

Alienation driven from pillar to post,
hanging on the need to believe,
in you, in me, in us,
in our allegiance against the barbarism
of a world far removed from believing.

I stroll to the memory lane,
your lingered laughter still in my maze,
your gaze lost in mine,
under the rain,
brushing past the fears of that first day.

The wistful bond,
within reach yet so far from my grasp,
sudden animosity driven from fear,
of you, of me, of us,
but I still believe.

Smell

Between ages 7 to 11, my older sister and I used to walk to Christ the King Church on Sundays, the nearest Church in our Pakistani neighborhood. Every Sunday, on our route, we would pass by this tree that was filled with small white flowers. I used to love picking the flower and inhale the smell, then put it behind my ear. In some small way, I used to look forward to Sundays just so I can smell them.

Since my days in Pakistan, I have never ever seen that flower again but I remember the smell.

Yesterday, when passing by Bath and Body Works, I thought I would go in and find the lotion that my friend wanted. Under the usual circumstances, I would avoid shopping at such a busy store because I don't have the patience to fight through the crowd just to save a few bucks. Nonetheless, I went in out of being nice and started a smell test of all their different kinds of antibacterial lotion. I thought the wild honeysuckle lotion smelled vaguely familiar but I wasn't able to pinpoint the familiarity. I picked up a few and then went to the said friend's house to drop them off. I then put a little bit of the wild honeysuckle lotion on my hands and even then, I couldn't recognize the smell.

This morning at work, I put some on again and out of my sudden thirst of knowledge, I googled wild honeysuckle and found all these images. Apparently, they bloom in all sorts of different colors and not just white.

So all day long at work, I've been inhaling my hands at every chance I get; each time, taking me back to the familiar route of a Sunday routine.

Now I know the name of my favorite flower, aside from orchids and lilies. This is my small miracle of the day.

Taints

It bothers me that things were/are not always good. I realized I don't like finding out about things that taints my image of a good friendship, a good person etc. And I can't stand unfairness. It is not just about reciprocity, but equal reciprocity. If things have been really bad once, it will never be quite good enough anymore.

I'm disappointed at the past even when I know things have changed a lot since then. Things are much better, yet I can't help it. I can't stand silent agreements, or unspeakable agreements.

One in Four

I decided to visit a friend's blog tonight, after a very long time. I suppose it's purely coincidental that I happen to read the same chapter that moved me a long time ago. The 'she' in his story has a gripping familiarity, especially when she "hardly feels like it's [her] memory anymore".

In my whole life, I've only told four people the full story and only one out of those four understood me completely, because he saw through all my "weird" reactions and self-destruction and loved me as a person nonetheless. I came into terms with what happened 11 years after the fact, when I started trusting somebody and needed to talk about it before I sunk into an emotional mess. To this day, I don't think I will ever find anyone who will quite get why I act the way I do or dress the way I do.

Sometimes, I think it's really hard to understand and deal with this sort of reality. Even if you know someone who went through the same situation doesn't necessarily make it less painful or make your own memory any less hazy. And when I hear other people/friends joke about it, it makes me angry at their short-sightedness and their insensitivity. Other times, I think other people have had it worse, as if feeling pity for someone else somehow detaches you from your own scarred memory. And much like her, I'm glad it happened to me because I think in a weird sense, it gave a definition of who I am, as in the fact changed me and I wanted to be above and over it. Badly.

1 in 4, 1 in 4, yet I don't know anybody who has been through this kind of reality. Not that I can help them or they can help me, at least I don't think so. I suppose "knowing" her personal story just reminds me that I'm not alone.

Crowd

It's like living through the most crushing heartbreak except the tears dried up a long ago, knowing there will never be a possibility of a breakthrough and you've ran out on empty hopes for awhile now. Knowing that for as long as I live, I will just be another stranger who made an impact, just not a memorable one.

At the end of the day, I keep wondering how much I mattered, how to go about changing for the better, how to stop doubting myself, how to stop making excuses, how to stop running to my best friend in the hopes of a fresh new perspective to momentarily feel like any of it matters.

How much does it matter? Should it matter? Has the change made me happier or do I scramble to pick up the remnants of the forgotten pieces and attempt to piece a better one? Attempting the momentarily numbness only loudens the pain even more.

I know what tools I need to help me jump, I just don't quite know if I'm ready to venture out to find them.

Humble Beginnings

Sunday is sometimes a rather frustrating day; at other times, it is one of the best days of the week. Sunday's dinner is also the only meal when I eat like I'm eating a year's worth of food. (haha, I think that might surprise Mark and Eric)

Today, over dinner and Corona, my mom was reminiscing about our life in Pakistan. Every time I hear about my parents' story, from their dating days to their marriage to the business creativity they started out of sheer desperation for survival, I am constantly inspired. My mom lights up when she talks passionately about how a few good-hearted strangers took them out of spiritual abuse to an environment filled with love, how they moved out of their friends' places to their own, how they went from poverty to having a very successful business in a short period of time, less than 5, to be precise.

I think none of my close friends know the sort of life me and my family had in Pakistan or what kind of business my parents had etc. In the small Hakka community in Pakistan, my parents were known as the family who had nothing to having a business, all the while raising 5 kids and sending money home to their siblings. Sometimes I am amazed as to how my parents did it: private education for all 5 kids, having family time on Fridays and Saturdays either at a fishing site or a picnic at the beach, etc. I've been listening to my parents' stories over and over and I am never bored of it. It's almost like there's something new that I learn about them, new perspectives that are derived.

Sometimes I wonder if their story is a such a strong source of inspiration for me, if it can be a source for someone else. Other times, I wonder if people will see it as a regular story of a regular set of people who desperately needed to make themselves matter in a cruel world.

I think it is really important for us to know our roots, because there is such a rich story behind our small or big accomplishments, and something that we can be humbly prideful of. It is probably the only source of relation we have with strangers.

Jump or be jumped

When you jump on your bed, you expect that at some point of the jump, you'd come back down, only to jump again. The joy from jumping is the expectation that at some point, you'd recline back to the start and do the jump again, and you'd aim to jump higher and higher at every point.

But what if you just don't want to jump anymore, because you don't want to risk coming back down, you just want to stay up there and defy all the odds of gravity? Or you don't find this jumping game fun anymore, even if it is ultimately, a happy game.

Concession and Victory Speeches

I wasn't very willing to stay up too late last night to listen to Senator McCain's concession speech and President Obama's victory speech. So, I listened to it just now.

Senator McCain has a lot of class, despite his 'loss' to President Obama. That man spoke eloquently in his concession speech.

President Obama made this statement: "...This victory alone is not the change we seek, it is only the chance for us to make that change...we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers. In this country, we rise and fall as one nation, as One People. Let's resist on falling back to the same partisanship, pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long....While the Democratic party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility, and determination to heal the vice that held back our progress."

Just looking at the way his political campaign have strategically placed this man to be the 44th President of USA: his race, his age and supposed "inexperience", stopped accepting public funding etc. You can't help but feel that Change is indeed possible. It's kinda weird that the most powerful country that has made so many progress had its first Black President last night, whereas in many less-developed countries, they've already had women or other races as their presidents.

How can you not be moved with a man who is what America is supposed to be, but unfortunately, is not? He reminds us that Change starts really from us, no matter how insignificant we may think of ourselves to be, a reminder of progress built on hope and hopefully, a reality, in the months and the next 4 years to come.

I've developed an interest for politics because I was always amazed at a political team or party's united (or supposedly united) strength to fight for something (whether we agree or disagree with what they believe in). This whole campaign was a reminder of that again. It's powerful, and hopefully President Obama along with the White House will materialize that progress and that change for a better place for people.

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In other news, the price to pay for "breaking" the law is $30. When I saw that ticket, my first thought was was what Mark and Gav asked me on seperate occasions: you don't get in trouble for parking there? All I could do was smile and drive on.

Quote

"Something exists only if there's someone around to remember it." - Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes

Edit - haha, if you read this entry before, and only saw the quote, it's because I wanted to write the quote down before I forget it. It was just one of those quotes that stuck to me over and over again, from Europe till now. I thought about how as a quite sentimental person (maybe not so much these days haha), I've had a hard time letting go of anything because I hold onto these unnecessarily for sentimental value.

So, the book, Nineteen Minutes, was a really *deep breath* kind of book. I literally put the book down on the plane, had to take in a deep breath and gather my feelings and go "ok, it's just a book even if it mimics reality" or I'd be an emotional mess. (Haha, I'm usually an emotional mess after reading a good book. I'd like to think of it as a 'high' that I get from good books.)

Jodi Picoult is a really fabulous writer. I'm always scoping out for some new words or new thoughts in her books, and I've read 3 of her books already. I'm looking to get another 4 of her books.

Ever since I've been back, my world has been swayed around (and back again) in this huge debacle of what we call the career world. I've been staying late every day, skipping my lunch hour, but pretty motivated. When my friend saw me in downtown, he said that I looked so relaxed and happy from the trip. Little does he know, that I've also been paying the price of post-vacation and have the bad skin, and bad diet to show for it. It's kinda hard to stay uplifted/motivated when you're faced with the overwhelming job related work and personal goals.

Thank God for my family cuz I don't have to cook any of my meals (thus I buy less take out and get fatless), for the friend who calls almost every day and just talk/joke (it keeps me realxed and rejuvenated), for the friend at work (haha she's already surpassed the 'co-worker' title) who tries to drag me out for a walk during the lunch hour. I have nothing else to report, except that despite this debacled circle of routine that I'm in, I'm happy. Probably helps that I have a bunch of new chinese music in my ipod touch haha. Right now, I'm only interested in making this "contentment" last as long as possible and can't bother with bullshit agendas that bullshit people have. Haha, I'm so content that I'm not even interested in dating, despite a few people's suggestions.