Flying hours

I have to eat my words from Saturday afternoon. I can't not write, despite what I told two of my closest friends.

In the past two years, I learned that in learning about who my friends are, or the kind of people they are and have become, I've learned a thing or two about myself. Experiences changes a person, we all know that. What I seem to be repeatedly learning is that experience affects absolutely everything, the makeup and the core of a person being human. It can strip away the perspectives that you've held onto for as long as you remember and may or may not keep intact your values and dignity. When and if you've lost your values or your dignity to be compromised, you've got to strip away from that past circle, and get onto a new path, to re-learn, to see again, to feel again, to touch again. That's what I'm working on: to be inspired by humanity.

Every deep conversation that I carry with my best friend, it leaves me profound that there's a soul out there who doesn't necessarily fully understand me, but tries. It's a humbling knowledge that somebody respects you and your decisions, and still grounds you.

Every moment of connection and chemistry with a good friend leaves me inspired, to write and to feel again. It's the over-dramatization that makes you reflect your choices and your path. Maybe you'd call that an extremity but to truly reflect and keep yourself in check, by extension, you'd have to allow it.

Every source of laughter with a childhood friend leaves me feeling absolute bliss, then ponder about how much I have truly laughed or smiled lately. It's the remembrance of good times that make you wonder how much time you've left at all.

Every remnants of witnessing a friend remembering her mother who died from breast cancer several years ago, I wonder about how hardly or rarely anyone else seems to appreciate their parents, especially when they have been loved and been given everything they want and need. Are we really that forgetful? Do we really only abide by the pragmatics of life?

Every little additional details that I learn about my little sister, I wonder about how I never learned it the first time around, how I failed to see her changing. I then realize that I've changed, far exceeding or crushing some of her expectations of me.

When something happened last Tuesday on the train, I wondered how long am I going to deny myself what I need, how long am I going to compromise my happiness when I hold onto anything out of being sentimental, how much time am I going to waste away by shouldering all the unnecessary burdens. I absolutely feel like time is running out. Times are a changin', louder than ever. And that's not to be taken figuratively. I'm not going to waste time by taking life ever so lightly because there are a lot of things I need to do. I just need to remember that and put it into action.

Macbook

I can't wait to get my macbook and lock myself up in my room, oblivious to the noise, and distractions. UGH!!! Having my own laptop means so much to me, so I've been feeling different since the Toshiba finally succumbed to its last breath, and finally, certified by Mr. Eric.

One of the disadvantage of having a big family is there is never any quiet moments or privacy. If I wanted absolute privacy, it would have to be in my bathroom. I have a huge headache right now, from breathing an incessant amount of burnt fumes. And cold from opened windows.

Was going to get a Christmas tree and some computer/study desks today but cancelled our plans cuz we slept in. Our old Christmas tree was thrown out three years ago cuz of the insane amount of work, so we're shopping for a simpler and shorter tree.

Lately, I haven't been wanting to see people or go out or talk to people. I just feel this need to be alone, and it seems to be a really loud need on some days. I kinda want to laugh it all out but nobody can really make me laugh, unless I entertain myself...

Am currently working on a friend's present, and hopefully after getting the Mac, will organize all my pictures to be sent to print. I kinda can't wait to start organizing pictures into my photo albums, but seeing those past pictures kinda make me sad. In some odd way, I feel like I've gotten so old just because everything has changed. It's like trying to be content despite all the changes. I also realized I pushed away most of these people because I can't stand their attitude or our differences are so prominent that I find them really hard to get along with, or I don't give them a chance, so I just give up because I don't want to waste my time. Yet a part of me nags about giving people chances, and being persistent etc. I think staying honest to myself and the people in my life is getting a lot harder, without making so many compromises and thus, affecting my relationships/friendships...

Blah, this is a shabby entry but I just felt like solidifying my feelings into words right now. Sorry you had to sift through my crap in reading this haha.

Sentiments of Enchantment

Alienation driven from pillar to post,
hanging on the need to believe,
in you, in me, in us,
in our allegiance against the barbarism
of a world far removed from believing.

I stroll to the memory lane,
your lingered laughter still in my maze,
your gaze lost in mine,
under the rain,
brushing past the fears of that first day.

The wistful bond,
within reach yet so far from my grasp,
sudden animosity driven from fear,
of you, of me, of us,
but I still believe.

Smell

Between ages 7 to 11, my older sister and I used to walk to Christ the King Church on Sundays, the nearest Church in our Pakistani neighborhood. Every Sunday, on our route, we would pass by this tree that was filled with small white flowers. I used to love picking the flower and inhale the smell, then put it behind my ear. In some small way, I used to look forward to Sundays just so I can smell them.

Since my days in Pakistan, I have never ever seen that flower again but I remember the smell.

Yesterday, when passing by Bath and Body Works, I thought I would go in and find the lotion that my friend wanted. Under the usual circumstances, I would avoid shopping at such a busy store because I don't have the patience to fight through the crowd just to save a few bucks. Nonetheless, I went in out of being nice and started a smell test of all their different kinds of antibacterial lotion. I thought the wild honeysuckle lotion smelled vaguely familiar but I wasn't able to pinpoint the familiarity. I picked up a few and then went to the said friend's house to drop them off. I then put a little bit of the wild honeysuckle lotion on my hands and even then, I couldn't recognize the smell.

This morning at work, I put some on again and out of my sudden thirst of knowledge, I googled wild honeysuckle and found all these images. Apparently, they bloom in all sorts of different colors and not just white.

So all day long at work, I've been inhaling my hands at every chance I get; each time, taking me back to the familiar route of a Sunday routine.

Now I know the name of my favorite flower, aside from orchids and lilies. This is my small miracle of the day.

Taints

It bothers me that things were/are not always good. I realized I don't like finding out about things that taints my image of a good friendship, a good person etc. And I can't stand unfairness. It is not just about reciprocity, but equal reciprocity. If things have been really bad once, it will never be quite good enough anymore.

I'm disappointed at the past even when I know things have changed a lot since then. Things are much better, yet I can't help it. I can't stand silent agreements, or unspeakable agreements.

One in Four

I decided to visit a friend's blog tonight, after a very long time. I suppose it's purely coincidental that I happen to read the same chapter that moved me a long time ago. The 'she' in his story has a gripping familiarity, especially when she "hardly feels like it's [her] memory anymore".

In my whole life, I've only told four people the full story and only one out of those four understood me completely, because he saw through all my "weird" reactions and self-destruction and loved me as a person nonetheless. I came into terms with what happened 11 years after the fact, when I started trusting somebody and needed to talk about it before I sunk into an emotional mess. To this day, I don't think I will ever find anyone who will quite get why I act the way I do or dress the way I do.

Sometimes, I think it's really hard to understand and deal with this sort of reality. Even if you know someone who went through the same situation doesn't necessarily make it less painful or make your own memory any less hazy. And when I hear other people/friends joke about it, it makes me angry at their short-sightedness and their insensitivity. Other times, I think other people have had it worse, as if feeling pity for someone else somehow detaches you from your own scarred memory. And much like her, I'm glad it happened to me because I think in a weird sense, it gave a definition of who I am, as in the fact changed me and I wanted to be above and over it. Badly.

1 in 4, 1 in 4, yet I don't know anybody who has been through this kind of reality. Not that I can help them or they can help me, at least I don't think so. I suppose "knowing" her personal story just reminds me that I'm not alone.

Crowd

It's like living through the most crushing heartbreak except the tears dried up a long ago, knowing there will never be a possibility of a breakthrough and you've ran out on empty hopes for awhile now. Knowing that for as long as I live, I will just be another stranger who made an impact, just not a memorable one.

At the end of the day, I keep wondering how much I mattered, how to go about changing for the better, how to stop doubting myself, how to stop making excuses, how to stop running to my best friend in the hopes of a fresh new perspective to momentarily feel like any of it matters.

How much does it matter? Should it matter? Has the change made me happier or do I scramble to pick up the remnants of the forgotten pieces and attempt to piece a better one? Attempting the momentarily numbness only loudens the pain even more.

I know what tools I need to help me jump, I just don't quite know if I'm ready to venture out to find them.

Humble Beginnings

Sunday is sometimes a rather frustrating day; at other times, it is one of the best days of the week. Sunday's dinner is also the only meal when I eat like I'm eating a year's worth of food. (haha, I think that might surprise Mark and Eric)

Today, over dinner and Corona, my mom was reminiscing about our life in Pakistan. Every time I hear about my parents' story, from their dating days to their marriage to the business creativity they started out of sheer desperation for survival, I am constantly inspired. My mom lights up when she talks passionately about how a few good-hearted strangers took them out of spiritual abuse to an environment filled with love, how they moved out of their friends' places to their own, how they went from poverty to having a very successful business in a short period of time, less than 5, to be precise.

I think none of my close friends know the sort of life me and my family had in Pakistan or what kind of business my parents had etc. In the small Hakka community in Pakistan, my parents were known as the family who had nothing to having a business, all the while raising 5 kids and sending money home to their siblings. Sometimes I am amazed as to how my parents did it: private education for all 5 kids, having family time on Fridays and Saturdays either at a fishing site or a picnic at the beach, etc. I've been listening to my parents' stories over and over and I am never bored of it. It's almost like there's something new that I learn about them, new perspectives that are derived.

Sometimes I wonder if their story is a such a strong source of inspiration for me, if it can be a source for someone else. Other times, I wonder if people will see it as a regular story of a regular set of people who desperately needed to make themselves matter in a cruel world.

I think it is really important for us to know our roots, because there is such a rich story behind our small or big accomplishments, and something that we can be humbly prideful of. It is probably the only source of relation we have with strangers.

Jump or be jumped

When you jump on your bed, you expect that at some point of the jump, you'd come back down, only to jump again. The joy from jumping is the expectation that at some point, you'd recline back to the start and do the jump again, and you'd aim to jump higher and higher at every point.

But what if you just don't want to jump anymore, because you don't want to risk coming back down, you just want to stay up there and defy all the odds of gravity? Or you don't find this jumping game fun anymore, even if it is ultimately, a happy game.

Concession and Victory Speeches

I wasn't very willing to stay up too late last night to listen to Senator McCain's concession speech and President Obama's victory speech. So, I listened to it just now.

Senator McCain has a lot of class, despite his 'loss' to President Obama. That man spoke eloquently in his concession speech.

President Obama made this statement: "...This victory alone is not the change we seek, it is only the chance for us to make that change...we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers. In this country, we rise and fall as one nation, as One People. Let's resist on falling back to the same partisanship, pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long....While the Democratic party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility, and determination to heal the vice that held back our progress."

Just looking at the way his political campaign have strategically placed this man to be the 44th President of USA: his race, his age and supposed "inexperience", stopped accepting public funding etc. You can't help but feel that Change is indeed possible. It's kinda weird that the most powerful country that has made so many progress had its first Black President last night, whereas in many less-developed countries, they've already had women or other races as their presidents.

How can you not be moved with a man who is what America is supposed to be, but unfortunately, is not? He reminds us that Change starts really from us, no matter how insignificant we may think of ourselves to be, a reminder of progress built on hope and hopefully, a reality, in the months and the next 4 years to come.

I've developed an interest for politics because I was always amazed at a political team or party's united (or supposedly united) strength to fight for something (whether we agree or disagree with what they believe in). This whole campaign was a reminder of that again. It's powerful, and hopefully President Obama along with the White House will materialize that progress and that change for a better place for people.

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In other news, the price to pay for "breaking" the law is $30. When I saw that ticket, my first thought was was what Mark and Gav asked me on seperate occasions: you don't get in trouble for parking there? All I could do was smile and drive on.

Quote

"Something exists only if there's someone around to remember it." - Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes

Edit - haha, if you read this entry before, and only saw the quote, it's because I wanted to write the quote down before I forget it. It was just one of those quotes that stuck to me over and over again, from Europe till now. I thought about how as a quite sentimental person (maybe not so much these days haha), I've had a hard time letting go of anything because I hold onto these unnecessarily for sentimental value.

So, the book, Nineteen Minutes, was a really *deep breath* kind of book. I literally put the book down on the plane, had to take in a deep breath and gather my feelings and go "ok, it's just a book even if it mimics reality" or I'd be an emotional mess. (Haha, I'm usually an emotional mess after reading a good book. I'd like to think of it as a 'high' that I get from good books.)

Jodi Picoult is a really fabulous writer. I'm always scoping out for some new words or new thoughts in her books, and I've read 3 of her books already. I'm looking to get another 4 of her books.

Ever since I've been back, my world has been swayed around (and back again) in this huge debacle of what we call the career world. I've been staying late every day, skipping my lunch hour, but pretty motivated. When my friend saw me in downtown, he said that I looked so relaxed and happy from the trip. Little does he know, that I've also been paying the price of post-vacation and have the bad skin, and bad diet to show for it. It's kinda hard to stay uplifted/motivated when you're faced with the overwhelming job related work and personal goals.

Thank God for my family cuz I don't have to cook any of my meals (thus I buy less take out and get fatless), for the friend who calls almost every day and just talk/joke (it keeps me realxed and rejuvenated), for the friend at work (haha she's already surpassed the 'co-worker' title) who tries to drag me out for a walk during the lunch hour. I have nothing else to report, except that despite this debacled circle of routine that I'm in, I'm happy. Probably helps that I have a bunch of new chinese music in my ipod touch haha. Right now, I'm only interested in making this "contentment" last as long as possible and can't bother with bullshit agendas that bullshit people have. Haha, I'm so content that I'm not even interested in dating, despite a few people's suggestions.

In and out of love in a parking lot

I was wondering about this in the shower for some reason: Do marriages fall apart more nowadays due to additional burdens or responsibilities that we've taken up in today's society or we've romanticized the idea of love so much in movies and books that we've built a different level of expectation for love now?

It could be the latter, I suppose.

Ever since we were little, we've been exposed to a fair amount of fairy tales, or love stories that end well, whether it be through movies or books or any other method of fabricated ideas. I don't think we've been taught well or exposed enough to the struggles of these stories, so we haven't picked up on many of the skills of how to deal with stressful times, or how to communicate, how to love in bad times and in good etc. Of course the argument here could be that we don't willingly expose ourselves enough or allow ourselves to see these struggle mechanisms, which is valid because living through them can teach us a far better lesson than witnessing what others go through.

So, going with the idea that we haven't picked up on many of the skills, do you think that maybe our idea of love has been slighted, just a tad? That because of our lack of skills, we've given up on love and marriage far more easily than we should have? Or if you flip the coin to the other side, that because we've been "over-exposed" to the fairytale romance, we've altered the true concept of love and anything that has fallen short of that concept, we have the tendency to give up more easily?

Touched...for the very first time

After an indecisive round of where and what we would eat, we eventually settled down at a Chinese restaurant.

Maybe it was because we had an intense debate about success, happiness, and finding that invisible balance early in the morning, a light conversation was much needed between us.

[Insert a lot of laughter here and there between B and G in the conversation]

B: How was the spa?
G: It was weird.
B: What do you mean, weird?
G: I had to be naked.
B: Ah, you should be more comfortable with your own body.
G: Not when I have to be naked in front of somebody!
B: But you’re not completely naked. Don’t they let you wear your bra and undies?
G: I did wear my bra. She told me to take it off. The only thing I was allowed to wear was paper undies.
B: (begins laughing) Paper undies is not THAT uncomfortable.
G: It was embarrassing!!
B: So you’re telling me they rub the oil onto your whole body?
G: Yea….
B: (laughs hysterically) Including your boobies?
G: Yea….except the nipples
B: (laughs hysterically and rotates his fingers in the clockwise direction) Isn’t there a nipple cover thing?
G: There’s a sticker strapless bra, but those cover your boobs and not just nipples. Besides, removing sticker from your nipples would hurt!
B: Does this remind you of a certain song?
G: A song about boobs? No!
B: That kiss song…
G: By Katy Perry?
B: Yea! Except you should write “I got touched by a girl and I liked it…”
G: (Makes a disgruntled face at B)
B: You should write about it, haha
G: Then put a picture with my hands covering my boobs!!
B: Yea! Think about how everyone will learn from your experience.
G: Yea…my misery is their happiness…hmm
B: Haha you got molested! This is kinda like that scene from Friends where Chandler goes to Joey’s tailor and finds out the tailor has been molesting Joey all along
G: Oh yea, I know that scene!

[Conversation ends with a lot of loud laughter and another topic begins…]

Dreams

Source: Unionville, ON
Nikon D40: F/9, 42 mm, 1/160 sec., ISO-400

In light of this segment of thought, as seen in the picture above, and a debate I had with my best friend this morning, along with a series of events, I've been pondering about life in general: What do I want to derive out of it? Do I want anything badly enough to will myself in taking that first step? I'm happy but how do I get that reflected in my career? I'm not in my first-choice career (it's really my second choice) but it's practical and more economical in the sense that it'll get me to my other life goals, is that enough? If I decide to have a change of career at say when I'm 30, will I be motivated and be brave enough to cross that second boat?

What really got me started on all this thinking was when I walked towards the UTSG campus to meet with him, and I saw a lot of people focused and driven by their goals at the Bahen Centre. Then I was observing him thinking about his stuff, running around to get some minute stuff finished, and it got me reminiscing and reflecting.

Having my dreams so easily accessible in my head and vocalizing what I want is all fine and dandy, but I'm not motivated enough. I've stopped planning for what I want in life and so caught up in living the moment. All the plans that I had for myself ever since I was little just didn't materialize since I came to Canada. Sometimes I feel like all the things I've done and experienced were really out of luck, and a lot of things that I do want to do, somehow I get caught up in the emotions of life's drama and forget to focus on my dreams.

I got accepted into both U of T and York, out of sheer luck, considering I was so caught up in a family drama at the time and my grades reflected that issue. I went on to get a pretty prestigious job into a brokerage firm, which apparently is really hard to get into, all because a good-hearted First Vice President of the company liked the fact that I can speak a couple languages. I dated somebody after knowing him for only three months based only on the bonding factor that we've been through the same kind of things together, eventually fell in love with him and his family, talked and planned on creating a family together, then all that was wiped off because he decided that I wasn't good enough for him.

The fact is, I wasn't. At the time, I wasn't good enough of a person to tell him that even though I have many faults and am really stubborn to the point where I'm not willing to change, I was more than worthy enough of his honesty and respect. A year and a half ago, my happiness in life was linked to how proud my family is/will be of me, how well my friends treated me, how well am I loved to the point where the person I love wants to spend the rest of his life with me, how established of a person have I been to be able to give advice freely and to speak with conviction about life's struggles.

The self-motto I've created for myself since childhood was that I am who I am, I don't expect myself to be perfect, and anybody that expects me to even be close to perfect or ask me to change my bad habits can get the fuck out of my life. I was never so kind as to will myself to change to adapt to what other people wanted. Whatever they wanted of me, I had to be comfortable about it or learn it myself in order to go through with it. That was true in so far in that it only applied to my closest relationship, when my relationship with people got really close. That was my definition of loving myself: to be true to myself. But it was all linked and tied in with them.

It's only recently that I've learned to love and take care of myself without linking myself to people, not even my closest family, or friendships or any potential future romantic relationships can be a linking factor. It doesn't matter how long I've known them or well I've known them. I've slowly changed myself and taken myself out of a lot of things/relationships because I wanted to be first and foremost, be good to myself and surround myself with people who are good to me and encourage me to be me. I want to be fun and loving without being made fun of, I want to change the intricate pieces about myself on my own terms, and not because people around me wanted me to change or adapt, I want to step away from all my confusing relationships with people and be on my own. It's an exhilarating feeling to know that I've finally taken a step to be happy with myself (albeit a bit late) without all these other associations, and I can only hope that will have a spillover effect onto the other areas of my life: career, being motivated, focusing etc.

(Wow, this is a super long entry. My next entry will be about getting touched by a girl, in all the unexpected places, and uh, it was quite an experience, to say the least. Details to be shared, not so willingly, but I figure if Mark had such a good laugh out of it, I might as well give it away. Laughter is really a great medication and you can't overdose from it.)

Big and small toys

There's too much excitement going on in my house right now. I can't concentrate haha. My dad thinks he has to practice driving in it for a bit so he can get used to it. So I drove everyone around the neighborhood, my siblings were in their pajamas, and everyone's making so many comments. All this excitement is not good for me since I'm attempting to study. My family's really cute haha.

I found a lot of friends for Shane: lens hood, 4 filters and a new screen protector. And they all came to see him today!!

Wayyyy too many distractions right now haha. Right now, I think my siblings are spending the night in the car.

I'm feeling super blessed lately. My mom's been making/packing my lunch everyday of this week to alleviate me from the stress. My dad's been making all these jokes and trying to motivate me in life. This happens particularly on the mornings he drives me to the GO and asks how I'm doing. My siblings and I have been getting along rather well for the past little while, bonding over the silliest topics. My best friend is driving me to the exam, thereby optimizing my studying/cramming time. Another friend and her boyfriend cooks lunch for me every week, thereby cutting my cost of buying lunch. I'm all smiles nowadays haha.

More or less

I think there are way too many financial analysts making partly educated guesses, giving away too many differentiated opinions that it's throwing the financial market off to an even bigger tangent than it is. As much right as investors have to be panicked about the current state of the market, I think the exaggerated difference of opinions from analysts creates an unnecessary investment hostility for not only the institutional clients, but creates a spillover effect onto the general public investors, furthering the "damage" on the economic market.

Also, all this mergers and buyouts of banks by a major bank makes it a super scary world, in terms of financial institutional control. It'll just be Bank of America and Citigroup who will become major banks of U.S.A., which means that there'll be less competition against the "smaller" banks (whatever small bank that is able to survive this turbulent times), and eventually, they will either team up or be bought out by the other, which I believe, the general public (especially the national citizens) and the government will suffer for, due to incurred fees (furthering their bank profit) and financial control of their domestic market (the chartered banks having more control of the market than the national government bank).
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I've been loving this song! Enjoy!

Perfect Sundays

I love having my Sundays to myself. Perhaps the weekdays and weeknights get so busy that I look forward to spending some time in solitude. I almost never book any outing with friends on Sunday. I also love starting out my Sunday with a cup of coffee and blogging.

Nikon D40: 26 mm, F/4.2, 1/50 sec., ISO-400.

As busy as it was in the past week, I had the luxury of seeing a good friend from University after a year and a half. It felt really good to be around an old friend. Thanks Rebecca!

I also got a postcard from Mr. Eric this week! That was surprising because I didn't expect one so soon. I think towards this year end, I'm going to fill a section of the wall in my room and call it the "postcard wall". When I was shuffling through my bookshelf the other day, I found a few postcards from some friends. Re-reading them put a smile on my face, especially when they fill out every space of the postcard with their experiences.

Yesterday, I did something new in my life and it felt liberating and almost "grown up". I have Mark to thank for all the input and listening to all the relaying of the indecisiveness. I also have Eugene to thank for being there with me and my family. And Salima for always being there for me in every step, from the researching to the excitement to the actual finish.

I also love finding out new things about some of my friends. Just this week alone, I found two other friends who are into photography. I'm looking forward to many-a-photography escapades with them. I also love spending time with people one-on-one now as opposed to a group. There are so many things that I learn about them that I never had the fortune to know when we're in a group setting. Sometimes I think I'm continually surprised by them, that if there's anything surprising about me that they don't know of. Oh, the surprise elements of friendship.

I've also been making a list of places to travel (in no particular order): Vancouver, Thailand, China (incl. Taiwan and HK), Australia, Singapore, San Francisco, Italy, Buenos Aires, Peru, Tanzania, Mauritius, Sweden....

Vacation

Edit: Dang!! I'm getting way too excited about Paris when I look through the research. I'm going to be so dazzled with the architecture and the artistic city....

I concur with a sentence in one of Emily's entry about how planning for Europe is fun, but when the actual trip comes along, it doesn't seem as fun anymore. I completely agree with that because I've planned many smaller events and the time that lead up to it is all fun, but then I forget to truly enjoy myself for the actual day.

So, I'm hoping that with all these smaller things that I have to do before Europe will distract me enough from being excited about the trip. I learned that I want to be surprised, continuously. I don't like everything being planned to a 'T' and think a little room of spontaneity adds the zest to a vacation. I learned that I much prefer sightseeing than a city with lots of shopping, per-se. I'm drawn to the history and the culture of a country rather than what's available.

Next year for my Canadian trip, I think I'll go to Mont Tremblant; for my smaller week-long trip, I'll visit either San Francisco or Vancouver; and for my big trip, I'm divided between Thailand and China/HK/Taiwan. Thailand never quite made it to my top 10 of places to go but after hearing someone talk about the culture and the art, I started getting drawn to it. Haha, partly why I'm so much more drawn to it is because I keep thinking Shane will get many great pictures from there.

My Parents

As I am writing this entry, I just finished celebrating dad's birthday with my family, am semi drunk on a 53% Mao Tai Wine, and really need to head to bed. But I wanted to savor the moment and write it all down before tomorrow comes. Before the wine wipes away my memory.

I don't usually write about my parents but my best friends can attest that I am really proud of them and that I'm really close to them. Even when I was on my weekend getaway, I thought about them often and was getting a bit emotional.

It is my dad's birthday today. Sort of. My dad was born on August 24, according to the Lunar Calendar; or October 12, according to the Julien/Gregorian Calendar. (Yes Mark, we figured out dad's birthday on the Julien calendar) But because of the way birth certificates were recorded back in his days, we have been celebrating his birthday on August 24 every year. As I was asking my dad about his real birth date, the topic came about that both my mom and dad have the same birthday on the Lunar calendar, but different birth dates on the Julien calendar because of their age difference.

So every 19 years (?), my parents would have the same birthday, on both the Lunar and Julien Calendar. As they were telling me this, I was thinking their story is really romantic and sweet. I don't have the most romantic parents and they're not very expressive of their feelings for each other, as is typical of Asian families; but somehow I correlate their same lunar birthday as fate and destiny. That two people who fell in love because of the art of writing (or handwriting, I should say) turned out to have the same birthday, have the same hard-working attitude towards their goals, came from being desolately poor to living well, have the same drive to motivation, have driven their motivation to being successful business partners. On top of all that, they have raised a big family together and still take care of their respective family back home.

As critical as I am of their marriage and their happiness with each other, I can't help but feel they were meant to be together. That's romance in itself. Their love story may be typical but it's romantic and they worked together for it.

(Thanks Eric for the Lunar/Julien/Gregorian calendar links)

Old Songs

I've been listening to a couple of old Chinese songs over and over while I study..one of them's 其實你心裡有沒有我. It used to make me sad, but somehow, it makes me smile now. Sometimes I remember how all the cheesy promises made in my romantic relationships can carve into memories that are worth visiting over and over in life.

Enjoy!

Clean Slate

Neat Layout, I hope? I love getting rid of garbage sometimes.

Source: The backyard of Zoroastrian Society of Ontario

Nikon D40: 46 mm, F 5.3, 1/30 sec., ISO 400

Mockery of a family affair

Every four years, the Summer Olympics is a family affair for me.

I believe the athleticism and the professionalism of every athlete are exponentially unified with the competition and the glorious celebration. That high feat of celebration acknowledges the athlete’s cultural and background differences but still unites them into putting their best foot forward.

However, that celebration is continually tainted with the ‘leaders’ of the world who thinks they should, and can, stick their own “business and agendas into the bedrooms of another nation”. Citizens of the world then follow suit with their political demonstrations. Every state and nation has their own authoritative and/or democratic ways to rule their country. While we may disagree with our neighbor’s authoritative and socialist institutions, we forget what the Olympics stand for.

It is not to say that we should turn a blind eye to the turmoil the poor people of China is currently facing, caused by the Chinese desperately wanting to prove to the world how far it has come. It is not to say we should stand by and witness the pollution caused by an economy that expanded so suddenly.

However, it should be said that the Olympics is a unification of every citizen of the world who roots for their country in an uproar heave of pride. It is a celebration of every athlete who overcomes their physical shortcomings, who fights for their dream and places their soul onto a sport they love so well. Celebrate them and resolve other matters tomorrow.

Haunted Images

A friend introduced me to this song couple months ago: Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy. When I first heard it, I was disarrayed for at least a month. I accidentally heard this song again tonight on So You Think You Can Dance, and it's gotten to me again. Plus I was cleaning out my e-mails at work when I came across the story about Bea and Oz.

It's really a lot of things together but I keep wondering how far is too far-fetched? When does the overbearing silence become silent again? When does crossing the line deem to be politically incorrect in any relationship setting? When does the difference become greater than the indifference?

I realized today that when you fall, you fall harder each time. Perhaps I've fallen a long time ago but just realized the impact today. I should have recognized the silence that was slowly decaying, bearing the root of it all, but alas, I didn't. You were always the perfect portrayal of my almost lover.

Source: Chocolate ice cream on a hot summer day
Nikon D40: 40mm, F/5, 1/100 sec., ISO 400

Told in a story

This morning, I was standing on the GO train and as usual, I was looking out the window, observing the city, when I saw an old man in an empty parking lot. While this is quite ordinary, the unusual thing was that he was clutching a really long and shiny necklace. He was slowly pacing back and forth in the parking lot, with his head tilted forward, like he was reminiscing. I was wondering what his story was, like if he's remembering somebody, or if he was lost.

I'm quite imaginative and so when I see situations like that, it makes me want to write. It inspires me to write. I like writing about people and their stories. I think it helps people relate.

Today, for the first time in three years, I like the commute again. I get to observe people and imagine what their life is like, scope out who's happy, who's sad, who's stressed, who's having a bad morning/day etc.

Location: Markham, ON
Nikon D40: 35mm, F/4.8, 1/4000 sec.

Heart's desire

In the past little while, I've had a few friends who've been voicing the same thing: they want to find somebody. It's usually the case that they don't want to get married right now, they just want to find somebody who is a possible mate.

All I have to say to everyone who IS in love, who are piecing themselves together from the effects of love, who are looking for love and who are not ready for love is this: savor the moment.

Each of this stage can be exhausting and can drain out whatever pieces of good emotion you have left, but I believe there are a lot of things to learn from each stage, and plenty of hobbies you can pick up along the way.

Source: Mark's kitchen table
Nikon D40: 38mm, F/4.8, 1/60 sec., ISO 1600

I penned this after seeing a friend-couple I met up with last night. Seeing them was sort of the peak that helped me finish, because I was initially inspired to write this after talking to many friends who have been searching for love.

This is a first draft, so I haven't done any editions to it whatsoever.

TO LEAD, TO DANCE, TO FUSS OVER by Allaboutjq
© Copyright protected

I want to move your heart,
take the mountains off your shoulders,
I want to make you believe,
not just in you and me,
but to lead.

Let me take your hand,
lead you to the marching band,
away from the world's sorrows,
to our land of sparrows,
dance with me.

Lend me your valor,
so I can toss your battle,
let the candid spirit shine,
of a heart's desire,
that fusses over love.

Source: Outside my window
Nikon D40: 35 mm, F/16, 1/30 sec.

Colbie Caillat - Older

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go, life goes on
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out
So they say
Over my shoulder, it's tough getting older

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Here before my eyes, many roads ahead
Time for me to choose one way now
If I take a chance
What lies down the road
Feeling so confused, turned round
On and on, on and on

Want vs. Need

I had a dream of a friend who was driving me around town in his hot looking car, and in that ride, we saw two people who had DSLRs with the extravagant lenses. My friend was annoyed because the photographers were in his way (repeatedly), but I was admiring them. In the dream, they would get down and gritty, just to capture a good picture.

This dream inspired me to get out of bed.

Source: Jenn's backyard, oriental lily
Nikon D40: 40mm, F/5.6, 1/125 sec., ISO-220

While taking pictures, I was looking at some of the bulbs, and some of the flowers that had bloomed for awhile and was in the drying/dying stage, and I had an epiphany: I expect flowers to be beautiful, at whatever stage of life it is in. But this is not possible because it has its moments of beauty and dryness or himono-ness haha.

We all expect the people in our life to be something, to provide some sort of comfort or support that we don't have in ourselves. And when that goes away or the support does not seem so necessary, we discard them and we neglect and abuse them till they become really frail. Then, we hold onto these frail beings for sentimental values to ease our conscience. And we wait till they go through the same thing as we did.

I keep thinking this is how change endures, that the cycle is just repetitive, from one person to another. It's a stage we all go through, to go from the good to bad, or bad to good, to find a zone we're comfortable in. Some of us will be open about the process, but some will just have a petal up to shun the world. The rest of the world may not understand or tolerate, even if they have been through the same thing.

Source: Jenn's backyard, full-bloom rose
Nikon D40: 55 mm, F/5.6, 1/125 sec., ISO-200

How I feel about GO

My attitude towards the GO train has been slowly warming up over the years because TTC was never quite on time, was always falling apart, and always crowded. Replacing my usual transit with GO would mean I have to walk 15 minutes to and from home. Plus, a lot of my friends were telling me to consider it.

Today, my attitude towards the GO train is an ideal one: walking would mean good exercise on my legs, taking the GO would save me 45 minutes, I can rest for 40 minutes (my ride time) with no interruptions or interchanging train to bus.

Maybe a month from now, I will feel that taking GO train is a hot option: My legs will look hotter (yes, you can join in the laugh), I'll see hotter people, and I'll save so much time from traveling that I can spend on working on my books instead.

Source: Jenn's family BBQ machine
NikonD40: 55mm, F/10, 1/400 sec., ISO200

Bidding on ourselves

(Going to start a little bit of picture with a little food for thought)

How many moons have passed on us? Have you given us any thought? Has the time we worshiped well finished its bidding on the battle of our heart vs. our head?

Source: Mark's kitchen chandelier

Nikon D40: 55m, F/5.6, 1/800 sec., ISO-1600

Transit romance

If you take the transit often, you're bound to sit with someone who leans towards you when they sleep. This is usually very annoying.

I was amusing myself with my imagination today and came up with a fabulous idea: Next time you see someone really cute on the bus, sit beside him/her and then "fall asleep". Then in your drunken "sleep", lean into him/her, then "hit/knock" them and "accidentally" pour your coffee or water onto them. Then you "wake up" and apologize profusely. And you then offer to pay for their dry cleaning and perhaps a coffee. Get their phone number while you're at it.

Way past forward

"It is not about possession and limits. It is about giving everything until there's nothing left to give, and then searching and scraping until you find a little bit more." Harvesting the Heart, Jodi Picoult

"The first time is for forgiving. The second time is for forgetting. And the third time is for beginning all over again." Harvesting the Heart, Jodi Picoult

"I cannot forget. I cannot make the same mistake twice. I cannot live this way. I cannot take the blame for everything. I cannot give up." Harvesting the Heart, Jodi Picoult

I haven't been able to scrap a particular image of you out of my head since that e-mail.

I haven't been able to forget the contours lines of your face that one night when you fell asleep. I followed my gaze to my fingers. They trailed along your brow bone, your cheek bones, finally settling on the marked lines of your lips. Suddenly, you jolted awake from your bad dream and held me so tightly till I couldn't breathe to the usual rhythm. You were scared and vulnerable. I did the only thing I knew what to do at that moment: I returned your hold on me and waited till you were conscious enough to tell me what you dreamed about. After verbalizing your dream into words, you told me to never leave you, to never hurt you, to never run away.

I did neither of them as I promised. But you did. You know damn well now that I did it: living without you, living happily and finding a solid part of my identity, that I picked up all the leftover pieces and got back up again. A lot of the memories have faded but I haven't forgotten the lesson you taught me so well. I don't know if I loved you the most but I loved you well, and I know you know that in the bottom of your beaten heart. I'm beat from even wanting to know why, why I want a closure between us. Because what's the use?

I know you're reading this and though I'm not surprised you found me, I prefer a clear and distinct line between our paths. I refuse to let you step into my world again and rattle my center. Ever. Do not bother me with your e-mails, because words, any words out of you are pretentious now and no longer have any hold on sincerity.

Forgiveness

I can't forgive if you haven't been sincere in doing right by me, after doing wrong by me. If I was put into the same situation as somebody else, I can't forgive others if I know I can't forgive myself. Other than that, I can look past it all.

I thought it was rather amusing that I was sitting in a table with 3 different people, who's gotten to know and see me on a different level with each other, that one thinks I'm very forgiving, the second one thinks I'm not forgiving at all, and the third thinks I'm forgiving, depending on the situation. All I have to say to that is that I treat them all differently, so they only got to see and understand a side of me that others perhaps have not.

Generally speaking, it's kinda hard to forgive someone who's done quite a number on you, as opposed to a lighter situation. The question really is not whether I'm a forgiving person or not, it's how willing am I to give the other person a second chance, given the severity of the situation? To answer that one, I don't think I'm as able to give second chances to people anymore. The older I get, the less bullshit I am able to tolerate. I'd much rather cut my ties with people (no matter how close I am with them) than take in any more of this unnecessary stress/drama/negativity for my own well-being.

You really can't take any more than you can give. And vice versa.

Reading

I'm currently reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, for an hour before I sleep every night, and when I get up on weekend mornings.

Reading my course materials after work for a couple hours...uh, trying to, anyway haha

Jodi Picoult's Harvesting the Heart on my commute.

I absolutely love Jodi Picoult. Ever since I've read her My Sister's Keeper, I've been fishing for all kinds of Jodi Picoult's books. Haha, maybe I'll start up a Jodi Picoult collection for myself. She's probably the only author to get me all teared up on the bus/subway. The way she pieces thoughts together, it steals my concentration away.

Marvelous! *with a British accent*

Flight of stairs - eeeep!

I was studying at my desk in the office, with lots of interruptions from my co-workers. Ruby came over to my desk to show me her dog, which was a mix breed of a mini and a frog. I love dogs and want one someday, but let me tell you, I have never been more disgusted by a dog. I'm shivering just at the thought of it. It looked like a monster and had the hardest time breathing. At some point, Julien came over and purposely put his banana peel in my pot of plant instead of throwing it away. This made everyone around us laugh.

I checked the time and realized it was 12 PM. I called Ems on my cell, but it got forwarded to her work place. Some women picked up and said she's out for the afternoon. As I was packing my books, I realized I didn't bring the Oliver's mock-up exams and was cursing at myself for forgetting something so important. I headed towards the elevator (which was newly renovated and was so huge) and Ems called me on my cell. She told me she was at Woodbury Street, and didn't have any money/tokens on her. I asked her what's around Woodbury St. but she couldn't describe it to me, and she couldn't get back to St. Andrew Station.

As I walked around on the street, I suddenly got lost and was heading towards some stairs which some strangers pointed out was the direction of Woodbury Street. Every stranger that I asked for the direction before said "Head in the West direction, go to these stairs and there should be an exit that allows you to go out West." So I was stuck in a strange stairwell, walking up and down, actually more like jumping flights of stairs like Spiderman, and I couldn't find this "West" exit. When walking/jumping these stairs, I encountered two very fierce looking dogs, dark looking apartments (very dark, spooky kind), a man who was bound in a wheelchair and was trying to go up the stairs and trying to sell me the GPS system on his very tiny phone. It was getting dark outside and I walked/jumped these stairs profusely.

In the end, I still couldn't meet up with Ems and was way past my 2 PM mark, which was my exam time.

I wake up, thanking God that it was just a bad dream, and got up to write this dream down.

Un-Happy Birthday

It was the day of my birthday and I wanted to go shopping for something new to wear that night. There was a Wal-Mart near by, and I suggested to Mark that we go there and look for something. We spent a good portion of the day in there and towards late afternoon, we received some phone calls from others who were to join us that night at the restaurant. We told them that we were at the Wal-Mart, which was situated right across the street from the restaurant. Most of them exclaimed, "Okay, we'll meet you at Wal-Mart and then walk together to the restaurant."

But between meeting them and shopping, I went home to get ready while Mark waited for them at Wal-Mart. When I went to the restaurant, no one was in sight. I was sitting in a big table by myself. I called Mark and he said they were still at Wal-Mart. I sat at the restaurant for nearly two hours by myself before I gave up and went home.

Around 10 PM when I reached home, Mark called to see where I was, and I told him I went home because no one went to the restaurant and I waited for two hours. He said, "Oh okay, we'll celebrate another day la."

Haha, that's the dream I had, my idea of a childish dream. Don't ask me how I remember my dreams so well, cuz I have no clue.

Double the dosage

I was working at the restaurant (the old one haha) when I got a call on my cell. I looked at the number on my call display, and recognized it immediately. I had deleted the name on my contact list but I'd recognize that number anywhere. I picked up and with an agitated voice, replied, "Yes?"

He-who-shall-not-be-named said, "Hi, I just called to talk."

"And what exactly is there to talk about?"

"I wanted to say I'm sorry. Can we go out sometime?"

"I don't think that would be a good idea...."

"Well, I wanted to invite you to the family BBQ, they've been wanting to see you."

"What the hell for? They helped play a role in all that mess.."

"That's why they want to make it up to you..."

"I'll think about it." *I proceed to hang up on him*

In the next section of my dream, I was hanging out by the pool with he-who-shall-not-be-named when out of nowhere, I was pushed into the swimming pool. As I was fighting against the person, I remembered Alan witnessing it and not doing anything. In the water, I was trying to get back up to the surface but I couldn't. Someone was holding me down. It was he-who-shall-not-be-named's youngest uncle. Somehow I held my breath together and was able to live through the ordeal. So when the uncle pulled me to the surface to check for my breathing, I tried my hardest to pretend I wasn't breathing. But he checked for my pulse anyway and seeing that I was still barely alive, held my head into the water, this time a lot longer and with a lot more force. I couldn't fight anymore. After awhile, I was seeing myself as a ghost and realized that I had died, during the second struggle.

I slowly woke up from the dream, only to realize I was sleeping as if I was a dead body, with my right hand placed on top of my left hand on my stomach.

My Best Friend's wedding

Emily's big day was coming up, so we were all having a party the night before. She was a busy bee, running about greeting her guests and making sure everything was organized. I was sitting with some of her friends, faces that I couldn't recognize nor pinpoint how I knew them.

I was looking around for some familiar faces when I saw Ben arriving at the door. I waved at him, and mouthed a 'hi'. Soon after, I saw Andy coming in as well. I excused myself with Emily's friends and went to sit with Ben and Andy. Harris and his girlfriend, Angela(?), decided to join us. Our conversations circled around how long we've known Ems, our fondest memory of her and how happy we were that she had found her true love at long last. Towards the end of the night, Harris was telling me about some scandalous girl while his girlfriend went dancing with her friends.

The next scene of my dream was the morning of the wedding and the ceremony wasn't going to start till the afternoon. Ems went shopping with Mark and Herman for some last minute stuff. I was taking the DSLR (also known as "Shane") and taking pictures of my surroundings. Eric showed up and said, "Okay, my turn.." Somehow, he had split the cost of "Shane" with me and was getting his share of spending some alone with "Shane".

Here I was, left with nothing to do, and so, I decided to take a walk. After awhile, I saw Harris sitting in a dark garage all by himself so I lent him my IPod Touch, and continued walking. Along the way, I saw Ben walking from afar. I waved a quick hello, and he was walking towards me but suddenly, got distracted with a group of singers who were performing. The next thing I knew, he was performing with them.

Then the alarm clock jolted me awake, and I thought, "Dammit, I didn't get to see her in a wedding dress...."

So Fucking Amusing

Riding the bus during the winter storm was really fun. Not only was it packed, but I was standing on the tip of the stairs, barely hanging on and there was no one hot to look at. This was on Steeles Avenue, which was jam packed because so many cars were stuck on the road. People should really invest in winter tires!

Anyway in the bus, it was really stuffy and a girl opened one of the windows (even though it was snowing wildly) for some breathing air. A guy who was sitting comfortably got up and closed the window. This went on for quite a bit, as if they're playing tag. Finally, the following ensued on one end of the bus:

Guy - Snow's falling on my head.
Girl - Oh WOW! Snow on your head! You're sitting here comfortably and we're stuffed here.
Guy - I have the right! I got in first.
Girl - Stop being selfish!
Guy #2 - yea!
Girl - *to Guy* Shut the fuck up!

The following happened on my end of the bus: A woman received a call from her husband who was waiting for her to eat dinner together. She was frustrated and probably felt bad that her husband had to starve along with her, said, "Just eat first! Go ahead and order!" The husband probably insisted on waiting and she was so mad that she said so loudly, "Just order without me and save me some food!!!"

Meanwhile, me and this Sikh guy was smiling cuz we found her amusing. I mean it's really sweet that her husband kept calling during that hour and a half ride, and was insisting on waiting for her; she, on the other hand, was so frustrated and yelled back at him. I thought it was really funny and heartwarming.

While on the bus, Cath called me and we found out we were stuck on the same road, but she was at Bayview, while I was just passing Leslie. She was going to try and catch up to my bus, and then I hop onto her car. Alas, it didn't work out cuz her car ended up being stuck on the road! With smoke coming out of her wheels! (Thank you for the thought, that was sweet of you!)

---- Before I left work, I told Julien that I'm going to dash home and hopefully get home on time. So, he asked me about how long my commute times are in the morning and afternoon. I told him on a bad morning, nearly 2 hours, on a good day, 1.5 hour. So, he said if I want, I can come in early and leave early. That is, instead of coming in for 8:30 to 5, I can come in for 8 and leave at 4:30. And he went on offering me the option of leaving early whenever I want, that it would be okay with him cuz I work hard anyway. He also went on about how he wouldn't want my personal time to be cut short because of the commute. Anyway, I thought that was really sweet and considerate of him. (That's basically what I wanted to say, Mark)

Romantic

I know it's a horrible weather to drive and what not, but I think it is absolutely beautiful out in Toronto tonight. I love it when it snows hard and it's relatively warm outside.

The beautiful sight makes me want to fall in love and have a tender lingering kiss with my-future-perfect-guy, to forget all the dramatic flare-ups that come with broken hearts.

Shoveling snow with my sisters was fun! Making fun of people whose cars were stuck in the snow was even more fun! (We live right on the corner of two perpendicular streets so we see a lot of cars getting stuck)

Listening to my IPod Touch makes me want to sing and dance; whether it be on the bus or subway, on the walk home or at home.

WoW

(I'm writing off the top of my head right now, not doing any editing cuz I have a headache from all the excitement....)

I first heard about World of War through Leo J, and I knew lots of guys played it. I suspect Fiona played it too. I was never into any games (besides board games) for many reasons: one, I'm not good at it; two, I don't have time for it especially when I was working at the restaurant and in school; three, I just didn't have the habit.

My main reason of getting into games this year was because I needed to change, needed to improve. I guess my close friends can attest that I've changed a lot this year, and trying something "new" like playing video games or PC games was a challenge that I needed to overcome, to prove to myself that I'm good at something, some game etc.

Besides Yahoo Towers, I was hooked onto Pokemon Blue (DS version) for awhile but when I finished all my levels, I didn't really find another game that truly appealed to me. I tried Company of Heroes for a bit and although it's a good game, it's really very different. The graphics are more testosterone-influenced (if that makes sense), and the strategy involved is quite different (that is to say, it's difficult) haha.

Out of curiosity and cuz it's readily available, I tried World of War. I don't know which version it is, but I love the game!! The graphics are gentle enough that I can understand where I am, everything is easy to navigate, and there are quite a bit of cool words in it.

The problem with me and games or me with anything is that I get easily addicted to things that appeal to me. Not healthy addictions either. As of right now, my thoughts are kind of scrambled because I'm trying to think of a way to fit in WoW to my schedule. My routine week schedule would be to work, then come home and read/chores/see friends until it's time to sleep. My weekend schedule consists of sleeping in and seeing my friends with very little studying. Now that I somehow sneaked WoW into my life, I want to throw away the reading, leave my studying behind, not go out and play WoW....

Little things like this makes me look forward to life. It will slowly alienate me from things that truly matter in my life haha unless I find a way to really control myself.

Anyways, this is such a shabby entry....sorry! (But I at least updated my blog, Ems and Herm!!)

Year 2008 Resolutions

There is no finite number to this list, I'm just listing my goals really.

1. Finish my CSC, and enroll for CPH.
   
2. Learn more about my family and friends, their interests, etc.
   
3. Improve myself, who I am as a person and work on my career goals.
   
4. Play more sports, namely commit to badminton every Sunday and jogging during spring and summer.
   
5. Work on my stories, namely finish my "Vying for one man" and "Falling for an Angel"
6. Take up photography and get a digital SLR. I need a second creativity outlet because writing is not enough sometimes
7. Do more research on cars and/or condominiums. Maybe get a car.
   
8. Make plans for traveling
9. Play the piano and maybe invest in a clarinet and relearn it.
   

So close..yet so far

I have a lot of things I'd like to talk about but I just have a hard time writing them out these days. They all have to do with my inner struggles, my constant need to improve myself or change myself. So the title which Ems, Mark, and Herm helped me thought of during dinner is suiting.

One winter day, before I went to New York, I remembered feeling a lot of insecurities and I talked them out with Mark, hoping he could shed another light or perspective on them, like he so often does. Out of that hour long conversation, one of the things I remembered was him asking, "Why are you thinking short term, you've always been thinking long term."

That's the thing, precisely what threw me off at my life game. I have been working and planning towards long term goals for the longest time that I failed to see anything that's in front of me. After some lessons last year, I realized all my long term goals were thrown off the map, so to say. I no longer really know what I want out of life, out of my friendships and relationships with people, and going in without expectations is a very scary thing for me to thread. Some days, it feels good to not expect anything; some days, I feel like living without expectations feels so bland and empty.

Sorry, this is a bad entry after not writing for so long, but I needed to write down my thoughts. I can't hold onto them for too long. I've been thinking about them since Cuba haha.