Haunted Images

A friend introduced me to this song couple months ago: Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy. When I first heard it, I was disarrayed for at least a month. I accidentally heard this song again tonight on So You Think You Can Dance, and it's gotten to me again. Plus I was cleaning out my e-mails at work when I came across the story about Bea and Oz.

It's really a lot of things together but I keep wondering how far is too far-fetched? When does the overbearing silence become silent again? When does crossing the line deem to be politically incorrect in any relationship setting? When does the difference become greater than the indifference?

I realized today that when you fall, you fall harder each time. Perhaps I've fallen a long time ago but just realized the impact today. I should have recognized the silence that was slowly decaying, bearing the root of it all, but alas, I didn't. You were always the perfect portrayal of my almost lover.

Source: Chocolate ice cream on a hot summer day
Nikon D40: 40mm, F/5, 1/100 sec., ISO 400

Told in a story

This morning, I was standing on the GO train and as usual, I was looking out the window, observing the city, when I saw an old man in an empty parking lot. While this is quite ordinary, the unusual thing was that he was clutching a really long and shiny necklace. He was slowly pacing back and forth in the parking lot, with his head tilted forward, like he was reminiscing. I was wondering what his story was, like if he's remembering somebody, or if he was lost.

I'm quite imaginative and so when I see situations like that, it makes me want to write. It inspires me to write. I like writing about people and their stories. I think it helps people relate.

Today, for the first time in three years, I like the commute again. I get to observe people and imagine what their life is like, scope out who's happy, who's sad, who's stressed, who's having a bad morning/day etc.

Location: Markham, ON
Nikon D40: 35mm, F/4.8, 1/4000 sec.

Heart's desire

In the past little while, I've had a few friends who've been voicing the same thing: they want to find somebody. It's usually the case that they don't want to get married right now, they just want to find somebody who is a possible mate.

All I have to say to everyone who IS in love, who are piecing themselves together from the effects of love, who are looking for love and who are not ready for love is this: savor the moment.

Each of this stage can be exhausting and can drain out whatever pieces of good emotion you have left, but I believe there are a lot of things to learn from each stage, and plenty of hobbies you can pick up along the way.

Source: Mark's kitchen table
Nikon D40: 38mm, F/4.8, 1/60 sec., ISO 1600

I penned this after seeing a friend-couple I met up with last night. Seeing them was sort of the peak that helped me finish, because I was initially inspired to write this after talking to many friends who have been searching for love.

This is a first draft, so I haven't done any editions to it whatsoever.

TO LEAD, TO DANCE, TO FUSS OVER by Allaboutjq
© Copyright protected

I want to move your heart,
take the mountains off your shoulders,
I want to make you believe,
not just in you and me,
but to lead.

Let me take your hand,
lead you to the marching band,
away from the world's sorrows,
to our land of sparrows,
dance with me.

Lend me your valor,
so I can toss your battle,
let the candid spirit shine,
of a heart's desire,
that fusses over love.

Source: Outside my window
Nikon D40: 35 mm, F/16, 1/30 sec.

Colbie Caillat - Older

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go, life goes on
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out
So they say
Over my shoulder, it's tough getting older

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Here before my eyes, many roads ahead
Time for me to choose one way now
If I take a chance
What lies down the road
Feeling so confused, turned round
On and on, on and on

Want vs. Need

I had a dream of a friend who was driving me around town in his hot looking car, and in that ride, we saw two people who had DSLRs with the extravagant lenses. My friend was annoyed because the photographers were in his way (repeatedly), but I was admiring them. In the dream, they would get down and gritty, just to capture a good picture.

This dream inspired me to get out of bed.

Source: Jenn's backyard, oriental lily
Nikon D40: 40mm, F/5.6, 1/125 sec., ISO-220

While taking pictures, I was looking at some of the bulbs, and some of the flowers that had bloomed for awhile and was in the drying/dying stage, and I had an epiphany: I expect flowers to be beautiful, at whatever stage of life it is in. But this is not possible because it has its moments of beauty and dryness or himono-ness haha.

We all expect the people in our life to be something, to provide some sort of comfort or support that we don't have in ourselves. And when that goes away or the support does not seem so necessary, we discard them and we neglect and abuse them till they become really frail. Then, we hold onto these frail beings for sentimental values to ease our conscience. And we wait till they go through the same thing as we did.

I keep thinking this is how change endures, that the cycle is just repetitive, from one person to another. It's a stage we all go through, to go from the good to bad, or bad to good, to find a zone we're comfortable in. Some of us will be open about the process, but some will just have a petal up to shun the world. The rest of the world may not understand or tolerate, even if they have been through the same thing.

Source: Jenn's backyard, full-bloom rose
Nikon D40: 55 mm, F/5.6, 1/125 sec., ISO-200

How I feel about GO

My attitude towards the GO train has been slowly warming up over the years because TTC was never quite on time, was always falling apart, and always crowded. Replacing my usual transit with GO would mean I have to walk 15 minutes to and from home. Plus, a lot of my friends were telling me to consider it.

Today, my attitude towards the GO train is an ideal one: walking would mean good exercise on my legs, taking the GO would save me 45 minutes, I can rest for 40 minutes (my ride time) with no interruptions or interchanging train to bus.

Maybe a month from now, I will feel that taking GO train is a hot option: My legs will look hotter (yes, you can join in the laugh), I'll see hotter people, and I'll save so much time from traveling that I can spend on working on my books instead.

Source: Jenn's family BBQ machine
NikonD40: 55mm, F/10, 1/400 sec., ISO200

Bidding on ourselves

(Going to start a little bit of picture with a little food for thought)

How many moons have passed on us? Have you given us any thought? Has the time we worshiped well finished its bidding on the battle of our heart vs. our head?

Source: Mark's kitchen chandelier

Nikon D40: 55m, F/5.6, 1/800 sec., ISO-1600

Transit romance

If you take the transit often, you're bound to sit with someone who leans towards you when they sleep. This is usually very annoying.

I was amusing myself with my imagination today and came up with a fabulous idea: Next time you see someone really cute on the bus, sit beside him/her and then "fall asleep". Then in your drunken "sleep", lean into him/her, then "hit/knock" them and "accidentally" pour your coffee or water onto them. Then you "wake up" and apologize profusely. And you then offer to pay for their dry cleaning and perhaps a coffee. Get their phone number while you're at it.

Way past forward

"It is not about possession and limits. It is about giving everything until there's nothing left to give, and then searching and scraping until you find a little bit more." Harvesting the Heart, Jodi Picoult

"The first time is for forgiving. The second time is for forgetting. And the third time is for beginning all over again." Harvesting the Heart, Jodi Picoult

"I cannot forget. I cannot make the same mistake twice. I cannot live this way. I cannot take the blame for everything. I cannot give up." Harvesting the Heart, Jodi Picoult

I haven't been able to scrap a particular image of you out of my head since that e-mail.

I haven't been able to forget the contours lines of your face that one night when you fell asleep. I followed my gaze to my fingers. They trailed along your brow bone, your cheek bones, finally settling on the marked lines of your lips. Suddenly, you jolted awake from your bad dream and held me so tightly till I couldn't breathe to the usual rhythm. You were scared and vulnerable. I did the only thing I knew what to do at that moment: I returned your hold on me and waited till you were conscious enough to tell me what you dreamed about. After verbalizing your dream into words, you told me to never leave you, to never hurt you, to never run away.

I did neither of them as I promised. But you did. You know damn well now that I did it: living without you, living happily and finding a solid part of my identity, that I picked up all the leftover pieces and got back up again. A lot of the memories have faded but I haven't forgotten the lesson you taught me so well. I don't know if I loved you the most but I loved you well, and I know you know that in the bottom of your beaten heart. I'm beat from even wanting to know why, why I want a closure between us. Because what's the use?

I know you're reading this and though I'm not surprised you found me, I prefer a clear and distinct line between our paths. I refuse to let you step into my world again and rattle my center. Ever. Do not bother me with your e-mails, because words, any words out of you are pretentious now and no longer have any hold on sincerity.

Forgiveness

I can't forgive if you haven't been sincere in doing right by me, after doing wrong by me. If I was put into the same situation as somebody else, I can't forgive others if I know I can't forgive myself. Other than that, I can look past it all.

I thought it was rather amusing that I was sitting in a table with 3 different people, who's gotten to know and see me on a different level with each other, that one thinks I'm very forgiving, the second one thinks I'm not forgiving at all, and the third thinks I'm forgiving, depending on the situation. All I have to say to that is that I treat them all differently, so they only got to see and understand a side of me that others perhaps have not.

Generally speaking, it's kinda hard to forgive someone who's done quite a number on you, as opposed to a lighter situation. The question really is not whether I'm a forgiving person or not, it's how willing am I to give the other person a second chance, given the severity of the situation? To answer that one, I don't think I'm as able to give second chances to people anymore. The older I get, the less bullshit I am able to tolerate. I'd much rather cut my ties with people (no matter how close I am with them) than take in any more of this unnecessary stress/drama/negativity for my own well-being.

You really can't take any more than you can give. And vice versa.

Reading

I'm currently reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, for an hour before I sleep every night, and when I get up on weekend mornings.

Reading my course materials after work for a couple hours...uh, trying to, anyway haha

Jodi Picoult's Harvesting the Heart on my commute.

I absolutely love Jodi Picoult. Ever since I've read her My Sister's Keeper, I've been fishing for all kinds of Jodi Picoult's books. Haha, maybe I'll start up a Jodi Picoult collection for myself. She's probably the only author to get me all teared up on the bus/subway. The way she pieces thoughts together, it steals my concentration away.

Marvelous! *with a British accent*