Do you dare?

Did you know that it doesn't matter how strong your heart is, that there's just this one itty bit of a weak spot that can take you right back, flood the rest of the heart?

It can take you to places you've left behind, places that you tried so hard to overcome and forget. It just doesn't catch time, it doesn't wear out and comes back whenever it wants. It comes back in other forms, takes on new identities and tries to fill you with hope, daring you to dream again.

You are that dream, except I can't ever go back. Or forward.

愛的定義

愛一個人也未必太笨﹐愛得太深﹐愛得不能自拔。其實愛一個人不 恐怖﹐在乎的是愛的誰。

好朋友問我:你什麼時候會拍拖?我竟然楞了﹐不知道怎樣回答。真的看得出我不想談戀愛嗎?

我忽略了自己幾年了﹐只是想固定自己的未來﹐自己生存的意義﹔不想在把自己的生活繞著我愛的人罷了!

Bling bling....

Sometimes I wish I was smarter, more goal oriented, more aggressive and able to earn a lot of money so I can take care of my family.

People who've known me for years know that money don't hold the same significance for me as it does for them. Money, in my eyes and experience, tears family relationships apart, come in between of many great relationships in life.

For the first time in my life, I am more realistic about the value of money. I wished I earned a lot of money and wasn't always looking for challenge in my role as a human being and in my career. I'm feeling this even more tonight after the news I heard......

Times like this, I wish my best friend didn't have to go to sleep by 11 so I can just call him and have him simplify things for me.

Just a thought....

If you had to choose a definite answer, that is, no "I think some of this and some of that is good....."; which one would it be?

A. A friend who can read you, that is, finish your sentence, know your thought patterns, or what kind of decisions you're going to make?

OR

B. A friend who is always trying to figure you out, always trying to find something about you so they can understand you better?

Flight of stairs - eeeep!

I was studying at my desk in the office, with lots of interruptions from my co-workers. Ruby came over to my desk to show me her dog, which was a mix breed of a mini and a frog. I love dogs and want one someday, but let me tell you, I have never been more disgusted by a dog. I'm shivering just at the thought of it. It looked like a monster and had the hardest time breathing. At some point, Julien came over and purposely put his banana peel in my pot of plant instead of throwing it away. This made everyone around us laugh.

I checked the time and realized it was 12 PM. I called Ems on my cell, but it got forwarded to her work place. Some women picked up and said she's out for the afternoon. As I was packing my books, I realized I didn't bring the Oliver's mock-up exams and was cursing at myself for forgetting something so important. I headed towards the elevator (which was newly renovated and was so huge) and Ems called me on my cell. She told me she was at Woodbury Street, and didn't have any money/tokens on her. I asked her what's around Woodbury St. but she couldn't describe it to me, and she couldn't get back to St. Andrew Station.

As I walked around on the street, I suddenly got lost and was heading towards some stairs which some strangers pointed out was the direction of Woodbury Street. Every stranger that I asked for the direction before said "Head in the West direction, go to these stairs and there should be an exit that allows you to go out West." So I was stuck in a strange stairwell, walking up and down, actually more like jumping flights of stairs like Spiderman, and I couldn't find this "West" exit. When walking/jumping these stairs, I encountered two very fierce looking dogs, dark looking apartments (very dark, spooky kind), a man who was bound in a wheelchair and was trying to go up the stairs and trying to sell me the GPS system on his very tiny phone. It was getting dark outside and I walked/jumped these stairs profusely.

In the end, I still couldn't meet up with Ems and was way past my 2 PM mark, which was my exam time.

I wake up, thanking God that it was just a bad dream, and got up to write this dream down.

Moments

Writing this entry when I should really be studying...

Lately, I've been stressed with this designation course and work that whenever I need a moment, I just think of my closest friends and it puts a smile on my face. Then almost immediately, I miss them even though I see them every weekend. It's not a very good thing sometimes because I lose focus really easily and then I'm off to calling or seeing one of them haha.

I sometimes have a morbid interest in death. Whenever I imagine someone close to me on the brink of death, I get really emotional and start to tear. This is happening to me a lot on the train these days.

Being emotionally attached to someone and being reliant on someone to help myself get off my low points are not very healthy. But I think it's because there's a certain point of reassurance I need from someone else, even though I may know of it already.

Mmm, this entry does not tie in together very well but I'm mentally exhausted right now.

In the name of love

Is everything really acceptable and fair in the name of love?

We can all love somebody but can we love them enough to give up other aspects of our lives? Can we give up our best friends, our family, our relationships, our career, our dignity and pride?

If we are willing and prepared to give them up, would we still manage?

Sometimes I think we are really blindsided with love. We can love somebody so much that we compromise everything else. It's really quite scary sometimes.

It's what I've been feeling nowadays.

Disclaimer: The idea of Love in this entry can span anywhere from romantic-love to familial to deep friendships.

Love for books

Books make me so happy. Buying books and receiving them from friends just makes me extra happy. I would love to just sit in a bookstore and just read for hours. I used to limit myself to only reading fiction, whether it be adventure, horror or romance stories. For the past two years, I've been reading autobiographies, historical, sociology and political novels. They're really insightful, even if I disagree with them. The thing with sociology and political novels is that you can put them down and come back to it anytime; one political event can be distinct from another event. It's almost like bunch of short stories collaborated together with one theme. However, for horror or romance novels, it's quite hard to put them down sometimes just because authors always build the plot slowly and take the reader with it, that it's hard to separate yourself from their thought-patterns or you might lose the intent/meaning behind it.

Anyway, I was organizing my books (which are all over the place on my bookshelf) and I encountered the book, "The Good Women of China", which Mark gave me couple years ago. I still remember him coming over on Christmas Eve and dropping the present off. I remember taking apart the wrapping paper and was so delighted about getting a book for a present that I literally didn't sleep much on the night of Christmas Eve. I remember going into my parents room on the morning of Boxing Day, and exclaiming to them about this fantastic book that talks about the kind of injustices women face in China.

I think that was one of the best presents I have ever gotten from a friend.

Okay, getting carried away here...moving on....

A month ago, Ben lend me, "Magical Thinking", a book which he thought I would appreciate. It was hard to put down that book, just because the writing was so unique, and the details were so graphic and horrific at the same time. I finished that book in a week, on all my subway rides. It got me reflecting on so many things that I was literally so emotional for a few days.

Yesterday, Ames lend me another novel, which is a book that's readable on my transit rides. I've been stealing one chapter at a time, just before I sleep.

Today, I had my hands on these two books that Eric got for my birthday present. They're about photography. I came home and didn't even bother to take my makeup and contacts off, and just dived into the book. It's a good thing the book is divided into so many sections that I can always come back and refer to it.

I just can't afford to read anything else besides my CSC, considering my exam is about two weeks away and I'm only half way done haha.

Parting with obtrusions

Last weekend, I checked out a movie that my friend was boasting about. I was planning to check it out on many levels: the kind of thoughts that he would ponder about, especially in a not-so-accepting society; the limitations he faces and might face from society but more importantly, his family and friends.

My reasons for watching also tied in with my conversation with this friend and another friend over dinner. During our dinner conversation, they were telling me the kind of situations they face and have faced. It was probably one of the most intense kind of conversation, just imagining myself in their shoes made me feel like I was restricted in so many ways.

The week that followed made me think about a lot of things and made me even more accepting of the people who are different but are tied together in so many ways. I've realized that the interconnectedness between people are stronger than I think. So next time I say someone is not up at my league, maybe I should think twice. I've let too many obtrusions and stereotypes get in my way of being friends with certain people.

Goodbye

Last night, I was on the phone with Eugene and Catherine for 3 hours, couple hours before her flight back to HK. I was just reminiscing the old days when the 3 of us would just literally sit in the car till dawn and talk. In the 1.5 years she was in HK, a lot of things happened that forced us to grow out of our shell and discover a lot of things. I think the basis of our friendship hasn't changed, it's just us and our experiences that offered more of opinions and perspectives to things.

I get attached to people and their emotions. If someone I'm really close with is feeling an immense emotion of some sort, I'm able to feel it too. My readily available access to my emotions is really scary sometimes because often times, it takes me quite awhile to deactivate those emotions. I think that's why on so many levels, we don't need to put words on how we feel because we understand each other alright.

I'm going to miss you, Ms. L. I hope to go next year and see HK through your eyes.