Irrelevancy

Yowza! I woke up this morning at 5 AM (someone's text message woke me up) and thought yay, I'm going to start my day super early! So, I showered, packed my breakfast, packed my school notes (I study at the library during my lunch hour) and drove to the station.

As soon as I got to downtown, I stopped by Timmies to get my breakfast, and realized I left my wallet at home. Usually, it's in my bag but I had brought it out last night to go to McDonalds. Smart move!

So, now I am wallet-less, lunch-less, coffee-less and hoping there will be no ticket-checkers on the train or cops on the road tonight. My diet today will be Kashi cereal and chamomile tea haha.

In between full-time work and studying 3 courses, I think I can handle it in my head until I realize that I'm putting everyone and everything else in my life on the back burner. I forget to return my library books. I forget to pay my bills. I cancel with friends and move the date at a later time, only to cancel with them again. I may feel like seeing friends today so I book time with them. Only when the day comes, I feel like spending time in isolation.

It's always like this: when you want something in life, and you work for it, you get all these other usually-seemingly unimportant things creep up demanding your attention. It's frustrating, challenging and surprisingly, fun.

Anyway, I'll have to re-prioritize, re-organize and work harder.

It's a good day, nonetheless. Am slowly becoming a morning person.

haha, this is such a pointless entry - childish and irrelevant

Grass is never greener on the other side

I finally get why some people think I’m very forgiving. I’m not and in fact, I am one to hold grudges, rooted so deeply because I want to learn from the mistakes, and understand them. I’m really just forgetful which is why, I make the same mistakes, several times over.

I forget that I’m not supposed to compare myself with the people around me. I forget that even if I do compare, I’m not supposed to forget where my roots are, where my humility and values should be placed. I forget that there are plenty of people who are in a less fortunate situation than I am in. I forget I am not supposed to pity myself and just grow up.

Most of the people around me don’t have a physical debilitation that sneaks up on them over some of their best years. Most of them have the money, old and new, to facilitate their dreams and/or hobbies. They don’t necessarily have to work as hard and are still rewarded, either by showing a little skin or charm their way towards increasing their sex appeal.

I know some of it is my wrongdoing, for having an ideal of life, this idea that life is supposed to be meaningful and grand. I put a lot of my closest friends and family up on this pedestal, I think the best of them and when they fail just once, so too does my idea of them.

There is this imbalance that put people on opposite ends yet keeps them together. There is this comparison that drives people to be better than their others, whether it be tangibly substantiated or otherwise. And I’m losing myself in this game.

I’m angry with a lot of things and a lot of people. It isn’t even envy anymore. I’m just downright angry that there are people around me who are given a lot of things and still find a way to complain about everything and anything.

I’m 26 years old and most of the closest people around me are almost the same age, give or take about 3. Yet, almost all of them have this notion that their parents are supposed to give them everything, or at least, most of it. There is nobody I know who has done things for themselves by themselves. Then there are some people who are given things by their parents and complain it’s not enough. I just don’t get it. Why should we be given things on a silver platter when our parents have had to work for their own silver platter? Or is it that we learned to be like our parents, take from their previous generation? Are we really just putting ourselves in this vicious cycle of wanting materialism, getting it and then complain about wanting more?

I’m angry because there are people in this world, whom I know on a personal level, who struggle with their physical limitations, and consequently, on an emotional level. I look at them and I feel for them, on so many levels. I look at how they can’t think about having certain things because they’re in this vicious system. I look at them diminish one dream after another because they’ve come to accept the cruel reality of human nature. I think about how our society doesn’t necessarily facilitate what nature has forgotten to give them but instead, puts them on a catch-22 situation. We don’t strengthen them because we don’t believe they’ll get better, so we don’t even bother giving them a chance.

So, I compare these two opposing worlds of people that I know. And I get mad at the people who have a lot and complain about the most senselessness of things or they concentrate on what they don’t have.

In life, I straddle the middle line as much as possible but more often than not, I stray to the world that wants materialism, gets it and then complains about it.

So, I forget that I’m not supposed to be like them, that I’m supposed to be better, to cherish whatever limitations I have because I have more than other people. Sadly, it is an ideal that I hold not just to myself, but to my family and friends as well. What is even sadder is that not one of us has been up to par on this ideal. Consequently, I get angry at not just myself but at other people as well, for not being better than human nature. To further complicate it all, it's not even their fault, it's human nature. So who am I to rebel against human nature.

October

As much as I love all the special people who had their birthdays this month, I must say thank God the celebration is finally over! I don't know if it's the age factor which leads to my lack of energy but I am gloriously exhausted from all the running about this month, especially for 5 of the 7 special birthdays. [I suppose the running about makes up for all the cakes I've had, but still...]

For the remaining of this month, I just have one more birthday to celebrate, one wedding reception, one hospital visit, one midterm, one assignment and then I can get back to myself. I suppose the motivating factor for this month was all the little things in life really, despite the very moody forecast.

I like working in downtown Toronto, probably loving it more and more. It's a different culture almost. People are dressed up, energetic, running about and just seemingly, have a goal everyday.

Despite everything, I still want to go back to Paris for December. Some days, I think about dropping everything here and moving there. Other days, I am more practical about it.

The zillion train of thoughts that run to my head, I often have to remind myself not to talk out loud about them, because they aren't censored very much. So, I apologize if you've had to try and understand my point of views this month, especially in our limited break time.

Mintz: My dinner with Sarah Polley - thestar.com

Mintz: My dinner with Sarah Polley - thestar.com

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Thought this was a relateable article and the writing was simplistic and endearing.

Happy Birthday Mom

October is a really busy month on the home front.

Usually when my parents come home at night, one of us opens the door to greet them. Tonight, no one did, out of exhaustion and laziness. I was taking a nap. My sister was studying for her midterms. My brother and my other sister were on the computer.

So my mom comes home, a little dejected that nobody surprised her with a cake on her birthday. My dad came home and went to check the fridge for the cake and laughed. (I heard him laugh even when I was upstairs) Still, he managed to say to my mom, "oh the kids didn't get a cake for you this year but it's okay." (My dad's always cooperative, when it comes to surprising my mom haha)

My mom, even more disheartened by this point, went to take a shower since she found out there was no cake, that I was sleeping, and the rest of us were 'too busy'. She took forever, until my little sister told us that she was ironing her clothes and watching TV in the grownup's room, which translates to her getting ready for bed. At this point, we all walk quietly up the stairs with the cake. My dad goes in first and comforts her some more. The rest of us follow and yell out, "Surprise!!" then proceed with a birthday song.

She then had this huge smile and I think she was moved because her voice was a little different. Then she told us how she thought nobody cared to celebrate with her on this one-special-day-of-the-year. Then we all had cake after 11 PM (which means all of it is retained in our butts), and ended the night with some pictures and some laughs.

Tonight's a good night. Good moments are hard to come by but they're much more memorable.

Happy Birthday Mom! When friends tell me horror stories about their mom, or how great their mothers are, I think none of them are as great or as strong or as successful as you are. You bug the living daylights out of all of us but I'm sure we all do well in returning that favor. I hope when you get a little bit more savvy with the world wide web, you'll read all this, smile and be proud of yourself that this little unit you've created with dad turned out to be an alright bunch, lots of improvement needed but alright.

Little sister with her little comments

[Just cuz I know you're going to read this]

Nelly - Jenn, are you studying?
Jenn - yup, I have a test coming up
Nelly - what?? why are you working harder than I am? That is not normal!

Ignition

Sometimes, these moments come at a random point, a name that sparks that hidden ignition, an expression or a child's innocent smile. So you contend with the uncertainty of when this ignition sparks and you think about dissipating the ignition once and for all.

Except, most of us don't know how to do that. So, most of us rather replace the original ignition with a new one. Until that new replacement comes, there is this waiting period. And nobody, nobody, likes to wait. Worse still, instead of attempting to be patient, we find crappy replacements for the time being.

In the end, we question how happy we are, we question how much worth it was. For those of us who did wait, we question if it was a good idea. So, would we, should we, have a black and white answer or a grey one?

Connection

Connection with people is such a flighty thing. It's short-lived. I wonder what keeps friendship between two people together? Should connection be naturally grown or should it be coerced into?

Two steps forward, one step back

Maybe online classes were a bad idea.

On top of about 50 page notes per course and average of 30 pages of textbook readings per week, I have like maybe over 20 messages to go through daily on the discussion board for each course. Each message is like a personalized long letter that I have to read in detail and respond accordingly.

Not to mention almost everybody has had some sort of experience with the industry, whether it be a published book, or a degree to that effect, or many a rejection slips. So, I have to be impressive in each response since I'm trying to step into the world of the elites.

haha, I don't think I'm used to full time work + part time school + designation titles. Although I must say this is probably the most challenging kind of fun I had in years, and that's really because I'm finally taking the first step. My mother was a bit skeptical about supporting me for my dream but I think I'll take what I can get.

Thanks Mark, Eugene, Salima, Rocellie and Andy for the encouragement! Especially Roce, who has encouraged me to do this almost 5 years ago! Always helps to have people in your life who give a little boost in order for you to jump. :)

Ram-ble....Eenie meenie miney mo

haha I'm having a little bit of a dry spell and I just didn't want my page to start off with the title "Morbidity", so I'm replacing it with this entry. Not that I have much to write because I'm all talked out. So, here's a whole list of random thoughts:

They say that true friends tell you the harshest truth. Well, I got a couple today haha. Not that it was comforting but I think because I'm such a bitch, and that he stood up to tell me that, I felt like he's the kind of friend you could really keep. Often times, it's the way people say things that make a difference.

People are intrinsically selfish. That's a really sad fact that I haven't been accepting of, for years.

Cirque du Soleil - oVo was so awesome!! My friend was thoughtful enough to get me seats that allowed me to see the show yet not be too close to the clowns, or, uh, lots of makeup people. At one point of the show, one of the clowns stood right beside my friend, but thank goodness he carried on. Their costumes just make them look so friggin' big that you feel like they've not only stepped over your personal space but just taken it over. Anyways, other than my unexplainable fear of clowns, the show was so great! I was just smiling and happy the whole time. It's probably the first time I've been completely fascinated, through and through. I like the idea of a small stage as well cuz it's just more personable and more intimate. I'm definitely going to go to the rest of their other shows.

The Time Traveler's Wife - yea I don't know if I loved it. It was just weirdly put together though I like the whole concept and everything. Have yet to see 500 days of summer.

Today, I accompanied a friend's friend's girlfriend and her friend who are from out of town and we went to Greektown. I need to learn more things about Toronto to share with people. (Good and bad things) Definitely need to visit the rest of Canada because it kinda puts me to shame that I haven't visited the other parts of my own country.

I've been here 14 years. Wow. (I was only conscientious of this when asked) That's roughly the number of years my parents were in Pakistan.

I need to improve on talking, and pause to think. And apparently, I'm all grown up. Not that I like it, because I've become cynical, uncaring, non-sentimental towards a lot of people who I used to think of as friends.

Was going to go to CNE but kinda glad I've decided against it. I'm really all sunned out from the weekend.

Paris - It was simply the best trip I've been on. Not that I've been to a lot of places haha. I just love the place probably a little too much. There are days when I'm here and I feel this lost connection with everything and everybody, that I think of Paris and I think of all the art, the culture, the vibrancy and I remind myself, that I'm not dead. I just miss the place. I miss being creative. I miss being alive, and having something tangible to show for it.

Connection with people. It's kinda dangerous for empathy levels really.