"Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise."

New Home

2010-01-19T14:04:00.003-05:00

Christmas

2009-12-24T11:04:00.000-05:00

Out of all my Christmas gatherings with friends, the one I look forward to the most is the one with my high school friends. Maybe because it's usually a weekend night, whereas gatherings with other friends are usually for lunches and weekday nights.

Maybe it's because we've all seen each other through the best and worst of times, maybe it's because we've grown up together so there's a certain level of purity between us. At the same time, this kind of friendship can be a double edge sword in the sense that we've only allowed a certain level of image to be seen with the other person. It can be hard to break through that mold especially if there are other avenues of ourselves that are drastic from the other.

Either way, for that couple of hours we were together, it was an awesome night for everyone. You can tell everyone had a great time because as soon as everyone got home, they were all looking to add each other on facebook. My news feed was flooded with notices on who became friends and a smile formed on my face.

Irrelevancy

2009-11-10T09:07:00.001-05:00

Yowza! I woke up this morning at 5 AM (someone's text message woke me up) and thought yay, I'm going to start my day super early! So, I showered, packed my breakfast, packed my school notes (I study at the library during my lunch hour) and drove to the station.

As soon as I got to downtown, I stopped by Timmies to get my breakfast, and realized I left my wallet at home. Usually, it's in my bag but I had brought it out last night to go to McDonalds. Smart move!

So, now I am wallet-less, lunch-less, coffee-less and hoping there will be no ticket-checkers on the train or cops on the road tonight. My diet today will be Kashi cereal and chamomile tea haha.

In between full-time work and studying 3 courses, I think I can handle it in my head until I realize that I'm putting everyone and everything else in my life on the back burner. I forget to return my library books. I forget to pay my bills. I cancel with friends and move the date at a later time, only to cancel with them again. I may feel like seeing friends today so I book time with them. Only when the day comes, I feel like spending time in isolation.

It's always like this: when you want something in life, and you work for it, you get all these other usually-seemingly unimportant things creep up demanding your attention. It's frustrating, challenging and surprisingly, fun.

Anyway, I'll have to re-prioritize, re-organize and work harder.

It's a good day, nonetheless. Am slowly becoming a morning person.

haha, this is such a pointless entry - childish and irrelevant

October

2009-10-22T13:42:00.002-04:00

As much as I love all the special people who had their birthdays this month, I must say thank God the celebration is finally over! I don't know if it's the age factor which leads to my lack of energy but I am gloriously exhausted from all the running about this month, especially for 5 of the 7 special birthdays. [I suppose the running about makes up for all the cakes I've had, but still...]

For the remaining of this month, I just have one more birthday to celebrate, one wedding reception, one hospital visit, one midterm, one assignment and then I can get back to myself. I suppose the motivating factor for this month was all the little things in life really, despite the very moody forecast.

I like working in downtown Toronto, probably loving it more and more. It's a different culture almost. People are dressed up, energetic, running about and just seemingly, have a goal everyday.

Despite everything, I still want to go back to Paris for December. Some days, I think about dropping everything here and moving there. Other days, I am more practical about it.

The zillion train of thoughts that run to my head, I often have to remind myself not to talk out loud about them, because they aren't censored very much. So, I apologize if you've had to try and understand my point of views this month, especially in our limited break time.

Mintz: My dinner with Sarah Polley - thestar.com

2009-10-18T12:50:00.001-04:00

Mintz: My dinner with Sarah Polley - thestar.com

Shared via AddThis

Thought this was a relateable article and the writing was simplistic and endearing.

Happy Birthday Mom

2009-10-07T00:23:00.001-04:00

October is a really busy month on the home front.

Usually when my parents come home at night, one of us opens the door to greet them. Tonight, no one did, out of exhaustion and laziness. I was taking a nap. My sister was studying for her midterms. My brother and my other sister were on the computer.

So my mom comes home, a little dejected that nobody surprised her with a cake on her birthday. My dad came home and went to check the fridge for the cake and laughed. (I heard him laugh even when I was upstairs) Still, he managed to say to my mom, "oh the kids didn't get a cake for you this year but it's okay." (My dad's always cooperative, when it comes to surprising my mom haha)

My mom, even more disheartened by this point, went to take a shower since she found out there was no cake, that I was sleeping, and the rest of us were 'too busy'. She took forever, until my little sister told us that she was ironing her clothes and watching TV in the grownup's room, which translates to her getting ready for bed. At this point, we all walk quietly up the stairs with the cake. My dad goes in first and comforts her some more. The rest of us follow and yell out, "Surprise!!" then proceed with a birthday song.

She then had this huge smile and I think she was moved because her voice was a little different. Then she told us how she thought nobody cared to celebrate with her on this one-special-day-of-the-year. Then we all had cake after 11 PM (which means all of it is retained in our butts), and ended the night with some pictures and some laughs.

Tonight's a good night. Good moments are hard to come by but they're much more memorable.

Happy Birthday Mom! When friends tell me horror stories about their mom, or how great their mothers are, I think none of them are as great or as strong or as successful as you are. You bug the living daylights out of all of us but I'm sure we all do well in returning that favor. I hope when you get a little bit more savvy with the world wide web, you'll read all this, smile and be proud of yourself that this little unit you've created with dad turned out to be an alright bunch, lots of improvement needed but alright.

Little sister with her little comments

2009-10-05T20:21:00.000-04:00

[Just cuz I know you're going to read this]

Nelly - Jenn, are you studying?
Jenn - yup, I have a test coming up
Nelly - what?? why are you working harder than I am? That is not normal!

Ignition

2009-09-27T19:07:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, these moments come at a random point, a name that sparks that hidden ignition, an expression or a child's innocent smile. So you contend with the uncertainty of when this ignition sparks and you think about dissipating the ignition once and for all.

Except, most of us don't know how to do that. So, most of us rather replace the original ignition with a new one. Until that new replacement comes, there is this waiting period. And nobody, nobody, likes to wait. Worse still, instead of attempting to be patient, we find crappy replacements for the time being.

In the end, we question how happy we are, we question how much worth it was. For those of us who did wait, we question if it was a good idea. So, would we, should we, have a black and white answer or a grey one?

Connection

2009-09-26T00:18:00.000-04:00

Connection with people is such a flighty thing. It's short-lived. I wonder what keeps friendship between two people together? Should connection be naturally grown or should it be coerced into?

Two steps forward, one step back

2009-09-14T11:55:00.002-04:00

Maybe online classes were a bad idea.

On top of about 50 page notes per course and average of 30 pages of textbook readings per week, I have like maybe over 20 messages to go through daily on the discussion board for each course. Each message is like a personalized long letter that I have to read in detail and respond accordingly.

Not to mention almost everybody has had some sort of experience with the industry, whether it be a published book, or a degree to that effect, or many a rejection slips. So, I have to be impressive in each response since I'm trying to step into the world of the elites.

haha, I don't think I'm used to full time work + part time school + designation titles. Although I must say this is probably the most challenging kind of fun I had in years, and that's really because I'm finally taking the first step. My mother was a bit skeptical about supporting me for my dream but I think I'll take what I can get.

Thanks Mark, Eugene, Salima, Rocellie and Andy for the encouragement! Especially Roce, who has encouraged me to do this almost 5 years ago! Always helps to have people in your life who give a little boost in order for you to jump. :)

Ram-ble....Eenie meenie miney mo

2009-09-06T19:22:00.002-04:00

haha I'm having a little bit of a dry spell and I just didn't want my page to start off with the title "Morbidity", so I'm replacing it with this entry. Not that I have much to write because I'm all talked out. So, here's a whole list of random thoughts:

They say that true friends tell you the harshest truth. Well, I got a couple today haha. Not that it was comforting but I think because I'm such a bitch, and that he stood up to tell me that, I felt like he's the kind of friend you could really keep. Often times, it's the way people say things that make a difference.

People are intrinsically selfish. That's a really sad fact that I haven't been accepting of, for years.

Cirque du Soleil - oVo was so awesome!! My friend was thoughtful enough to get me seats that allowed me to see the show yet not be too close to the clowns, or, uh, lots of makeup people. At one point of the show, one of the clowns stood right beside my friend, but thank goodness he carried on. Their costumes just make them look so friggin' big that you feel like they've not only stepped over your personal space but just taken it over. Anyways, other than my unexplainable fear of clowns, the show was so great! I was just smiling and happy the whole time. It's probably the first time I've been completely fascinated, through and through. I like the idea of a small stage as well cuz it's just more personable and more intimate. I'm definitely going to go to the rest of their other shows.

The Time Traveler's Wife - yea I don't know if I loved it. It was just weirdly put together though I like the whole concept and everything. Have yet to see 500 days of summer.

Today, I accompanied a friend's friend's girlfriend and her friend who are from out of town and we went to Greektown. I need to learn more things about Toronto to share with people. (Good and bad things) Definitely need to visit the rest of Canada because it kinda puts me to shame that I haven't visited the other parts of my own country.

I've been here 14 years. Wow. (I was only conscientious of this when asked) That's roughly the number of years my parents were in Pakistan.

I need to improve on talking, and pause to think. And apparently, I'm all grown up. Not that I like it, because I've become cynical, uncaring, non-sentimental towards a lot of people who I used to think of as friends.

Was going to go to CNE but kinda glad I've decided against it. I'm really all sunned out from the weekend.

Paris - It was simply the best trip I've been on. Not that I've been to a lot of places haha. I just love the place probably a little too much. There are days when I'm here and I feel this lost connection with everything and everybody, that I think of Paris and I think of all the art, the culture, the vibrancy and I remind myself, that I'm not dead. I just miss the place. I miss being creative. I miss being alive, and having something tangible to show for it.

Connection with people. It's kinda dangerous for empathy levels really.

Morbidity

2009-08-25T09:27:00.000-04:00

[For the past little while....]
-----
It's really depressing that within a week of coming back to Toronto, 3 deaths have been announced. These kind of announcements are happening far too often, especially with the sudden death of two of them.

Kinda hard to keep my spirits up. This past weekend, when riding a horse in this open field, I felt this incredible sadness about life. More so than usual. On top of all the struggles in life, we work hard on trying to get somewhere, trying to be someone, trying to love despite obstacles, then death can just strip away all of that in a split second. I think most of us are so busy just getting by, that we don't have the time; much less, the chance to leave a legacy behind, and suddenly things change. How is any of anything fair again, is a question I grapple with not much of a suggestion as to an answer.
------
In Paris, while sitting in a really quiet park, I was doing a little bit of writing on my notebook when I just let my emotions catch up to me. My best friend was a little bit baffled as to why I was so emotional, so suddenly. Even after a few probing, I refused to open up, despite the fact that I confide a lot of things to him.

You don't ask or explain or confide something you stopped believing to someone who still believes, lest they don't understand you, or worse, misjudge you.

You don't tell someone (on a vacation) that you think life is incredibly unfair, this double standard in our society, this obliviousness and ignorance towards people who get the shorter end of the stick, this savageness in our world where everyone is only out for their best interests, where sex sells and everything else is, secondary.
------
Just feel like maybe I have to start reading the Obituary section
------
I never realized it but horses kinda have really sad eyes

A breath of fresh air

2009-07-30T11:25:00.000-04:00

It’s Thursday today, sure wish I was in Paris already, because then I could wake up and just write for an hour, before I skedaddle to all the museums, cafes and breathe in the Parisian air.

I woke up today feeling so happy like a new chapter has begun, though nothing has really changed in my circumstances, at least not today. Maybe it’s because I saw a group of old friends last night. Maybe it’s because I had a macaron for breakfast, as I rushed to leave for work. Maybe it’s because I’m wearing contacts this morning, which makes me want to be a completely different person with a “new” set of eyes. Maybe it was because last night grounded me.

Lately, I’ve been reminded of this: Bad experiences are necessary evils. Strength is utterly important. Rising from the ashes, so to say, is inspirational.

This morning on the GO Train, I was thinking about what everyone said about the old lady. They could be right, and believe me, I’ve treaded on that possibility but I wanted to keep my hopes alive. Somewhere in my mind, I really think I could see her again. Somewhere in my mind, miracles are completely possible, rare but possible. Somewhere in my mind, making peace with myself is more important than the fact that I’m going there for the second time, despite it being an expensive city etc.

The first time allow for mistakes, the second time for redemption, the third time for forgivness. Let's hope by the time I come back, I won't have to repeat the second.

Heading out to St. Lawrence Market in a short while….have a spectacular day, everyone!

Tidbits

2009-07-10T01:16:00.000-04:00

Random tidbits that happened or been happening in the last little while:

- My journal entries are getting longer and longer, more and more philosophical
- I love bookstores that are not like Indigo/Chapters due to intimacy
- I found this really cool art supplies store on Bloor St.
- after almost a year, I finally watched Dark Knight and it was really captivating
- Am loving fresh pastries lately, as long as they don't have too much sugar
- My shoes and book collections should be put on hold, if I want to venture anywhere into my life dreams
- I love mature and deep conversations with certain individuals
- Been listening to a lot of blues music, calming, serenading and soothing
- movies: starting to really like the indie and artsy films, so much more depth
- not as excited about Paris anymore which was completely what I was expecting. Pretty sure that will change when I'm on the plane.
- another small artsy trip in the works
- Holding off Vancouver, HK/Taiwan/China, Australia YET AGAIN (T, K, and CL - I know, I know haha)
- balanced friendships are the best kind. And the easiest
- surface level relationships are so damn boring and bland
- People around the same age or older than I am who are still throwing childlike tantrums should get some adult schooling
- people who have sex for that corporate ladder should fall harder in life
- I feel really sad for people who have to settle for someone who are so far from their ideal, perhaps because I'm always pitying one of the two.
- The little missteps in life really bugs someone like me who is too anxious and does not have much patience.
- Marriage is an institution, not a sacred bond. Thus, the desperation and the rush.
- Clingy people, UGH!!
- People need to be more spiritual than religious
- I have a deep grudge against people who have been spoon fed their whole life, resulting in their snobbery towards other people, yet envious that they have half their worries cut out for them as opposed to someone like me, always struggling
- people's true colors are quite frightening
- Had a really great afternoon at Edwards Gardens with one of my favorite people
- had the best fish and chips the other day
- perfect strolling weekends with great company
- lost 5 lbs within a month. It's been THAT stressful though I had a great support system. I have to gain it back so I can fit my shoes better.

This is too long haha.

Move and Be Moved

2009-06-25T23:32:00.001-04:00

As soon as my left feet stepped into the front door of my house, my little sister greeted me with, “Did you hear? Michael Jackson died!”

A little appalled, when only hours earlier, I had read about Farah Fawcett passing away. I am not the least bit surprised at the regular suspects on my facebook’s news feed, all feeling something for a man. This particular man.

To many kids and teenagers growing up in North America, Michael Jackson was a regular household name, his music regularly broadcasted but never failed to lose its appeal. To me, growing up in Pakistan, my early exposure to music was of Mandarin or Pakistani descent. One of my very first exposures to English music was Michael Jackson’s “Heal the world”, even if I “knew” that he had bleached his skin.

To a mere 8 year old girl living in a country torn by poverty and war, the lyrics had moved a syllable in my nerve, even though I never fully understood what it meant. In my very first mp3 player, given by a few friends, one of the songs I had to hear was “Heal the world”. I could listen to the song on repeat and still be moved. There is so much hope, so much want in those words to strive for love in our human race.

Still, I can’t help but wonder and look at his death critically.

His music and dance has affected so many people that they are very willing to look past the allegations of his pedophilic nature, his very out-of-norm personality. The man really does not fit well with the general norm of the society, but he has brought so many people together, inspired them and moved them. That is a lot of forgiveness and a lot of acceptance for a man whose art lets us move and be moved.

A lot of the commentaries out there have it absolutely right in celebrating his life, instead of grieving and mourning in our loss.

Michael Jackson, may you celebrate with us, knowing that we will remember you, just as you are, never plain and always entertaining.

One love to another

2009-06-20T23:58:00.000-04:00

Dear One,

After tonight, I’ll be leaving for Auckland. Please forgive me for saying goodbye like this. I just wanted you to know that after all these years; your friendship meant the world to me. This perfect day with you was a tribute to us, to our never wavering hope of strength that took us here. You held my hand for all the red and blue marks of my life. I take and give no apology for the hurt exchanged between us because I know it made us for better people, better friends.

I love you like it would make me soar and make me fly higher each time. You freed me from all the pain I once felt about romance. I hope you understand we can’t be together because I believe love only binds people and turns into resentment from all the lost freedom. Call me selfish but I only want to savor the best part of you.

After all these years, I grabbed onto my emotions so I can finally write this letter to you. I grabbed onto your interpretation and your impressions of me so I could remember them for us. Actions may speak louder than words but for once, I wanted the words to speak louder, to be a better translation between us. I wanted you to reminisce, 10 years down the road, that you loved me well, your love carried me to many places and will continue for the rest of my life.

Forever yours and always,
True Love

His knees gave way and the letter slipped from his hand. I can’t believe you said goodbye first.

Paris

2009-06-17T01:23:00.000-04:00

I want to relive the following experiences:
- getting lost because for some reason, I love that. It creates a sense of adventure, I suppose
- feeling creative most of the time. Such an artsy city.
- setting foot in a place that has so much history, so much character, so much details
- sit in that really nice cafe, with the sun shining in my face, while I write my postcards with a cup of cappuccino well within my reach
- that surreal feeling I had when I was on Pont des Art, overlooking the Seine River.

I don't find the city the least bit pretentious, or that the people are rude etc. There's an animosity to the city that I really like.

I'm afraid that a 7 day trip will still not be enough.

Two halves of a whole

2009-06-15T19:57:00.000-04:00

I suppose it was a long time coming and I had held out hopes for a long time, arguably too long. It's time for a lot of things: realizing that keeping the family together is rather cumbersome. Realizing that nothing is ever normal. Realizing that once a heart breaks, anything that comes in the attempt of piecing it together would be deemed as resentment. Realizing that the steps to signing that paper is probably the easiest part of this whole journey. Realizing that the only comparison of love I ever had will amount to two signatures on that piece of paper, signifying the complete opposite. Realizing that as a child, as an adult, as a loved one, that there is nothing I can do about it. It is just not within my control nor can I make it better for all of us. The pain of witnessing this whole thing coming down is just as bad as the two people who are going to decide this.

It's really easy for the third party to say, "Let it go, Jenn. You should be supportive instead because they're your parents." But when you see them playing for the attention of their own kids, vying for their affection; you know, this is only the beginning of another ending that slipped away in resentment, in unspoken feelings and in harsh words.

Thank YOU for trying to give me the rational perspective.
Thank YOU for being the first one.
Thank YOU for trying to reassure me.

It's not that you three didn't help, it's just that I feel incredibly sad at how life played out for 7 people.

The Irony of Political Correctness

2009-05-24T11:30:00.002-04:00

Some of the guidelines behind the idea of being politically correct is ironically, still offensive. Terms like homophobic, socially challenged, cosmetically different, least best, differently sized etc., still have some sort of negative connotation, despite its best efforts to masquerade the level of offensiveness.

It seems like in today’s world, any chances of offending someone is deemed to be politically incorrect, the subject of the cause of political incorrect phrase deemed to be blamable and the subject of the political incorrect phrase (or the receiving party) almost pitiable.

On a grander picture, there is this ostensible fear: fear of truth, the truth that may deprive the esteem of someone. Indirectly, it violates the principle of honesty being the best policy. How much of the alternate phrases that are being phased out into our media is politically correct, is a better disguise? The alternate phrases are objectively and arguably, politically incorrect in itself.

Homophobic: why should anyone be labeled homo in the first place? To first, objectify the difference, then categorize them as fear-related seems to be an implicit violation of human rights.

Socially challenged: instead of embracing the uniqueness and differences of people who can contribute to the social culture, we embark on their differences as a challenge of the standard, like it is some sort of a negative connotation.

Cosmetically different: I believe this to be a subjective viewpoint, and to vocalize or note something like that in an objective article, defeats the purpose of the supposedly objective and fundamental arguments.

Least best: implicit criticism of not being good enough.

Differently sized: Again, subjective. Implicitly implying that there should be a norm for size, and the receiving party of the term should or should not conform to the norm.

As a society, we are so readily labeling anybody who is different from us, quick to judge, quick to differentiate that it has become innate in us to speak and articulate the differences, and then call it the freedom of speech. Frankly, even as I am writing this as objectively as I can, I too, often make the mistake of being politically incorrect, quite repeatedly.

In the end, political correctness is really just a roundabout of obscurity stemmed from fear without much alternate solution.

The little bout of happiness

2009-05-09T16:39:00.000-04:00

There's nothing more in the world I want than for those I hold dear and near to my heart, to be happy.

The general advice is that happiness is what you make of it. The key is to look for the silver lining, to not let other sources of negativity get into you. The likelihood of the opposing argument is you can't get happiness if you have all sorts of negative distractions that disturbs your center, that when life gives you plenty of lemons, you make lemonade and you end up being unhappy with the result.

I stand for none of that right now, though at different parts of my life, I've stood on both of those grounds.

I think happiness stems from experiences. If you have had mostly negative experiences, it is harder to attain happiness. Likewise, if you have had mostly positive experiences in life, your chances of happiness improves.

In taking into account for the individuals who have had mostly positive experiences, but still is not happy; or mostly negative experiences but still is happy: I pose the following argument.

Ultimately, happiness is learning from those experiences, and altering them in such a way that you can either look past the pain, and find the point where you can emotionally remove yourself to go back to that center. Or, you can remember the positive experiences and go back to it again and again, to feel that emotion, to take you back to the center.

Attitude

2009-04-30T13:26:00.001-04:00

You kill people with kindness, hoping to create an alternative to the hostile environment; instead, it turns around to be an expectation. The surprise element is no more, and you either have to top-up your level of kindness or you kill the idea of kindness altogether. In my case, I pick and choose, because the virtue of patience has been thinned out and pretty much depleted like the ozone layer.

Candy day today at work and the following were my fortunes in my Perugia chocolates:

An ideal husband is unmarried. – [Yes, I’m likely to steal people’s husband and make ‘em mine. I know this sounds so wrong but there’s something appealing about a man who’s taken. I suppose it’s like this: if he’s someone treasure, then my savageness tempts and prompts me to steal. Fortunately, I have been on the other side so my logical side will calm my temptation. Haha, as soon as I finished the above thought, I realized I should add a very important disclaimer: not all men who are taken because I often ponder about their "good" qualities ]

Real friendships can be enjoyed in silence. – [If only this were true…haha…obviously this does not hold true for one of my very close friend. I’ve complained quite often that I want some peace in the car or on the trip.]

Loving a person right vs. Loving a right person

2009-04-16T22:23:00.000-04:00

In the past year, I’ve given the above a lot of thought. Neither of which I have done successfully in the past. However, I’m attempting to do that now. It’s a start. I’ve learned that to love someone, it doesn’t mean you have to be with him almost all the time. To love someone, you can silently wish him well. You could sit beside him and not have to tell him how you feel. You could just give and not ask for anything in return. You could just listen to his life story, be inspired, acknowledge his faults and love him nonetheless. It really can be silently expressed.

In that coffee shop, I once told my best friend that I’m unable to love someone so innocently again, to just give without asking for anything in return. He said that it’s really sad. I said it’s realistic. It’s funny, for the rather emotional me, I’m always weighing the pros and cons when it comes to romantic relationships.

But I was wrong again. There was a special him that I’ve been loving the right way, even though we’re far from right for each other. The moment passes, but the feelings that lingered, I believe, made me relearn.

The guy on GO train

2009-04-14T23:15:00.000-04:00

Every morning, I get on a specific cart of the GO train. For about two months now, there's this smiley guy who looks familiar to me. I'm not the only one staring haha because I can tell he's doing the same thing. Well, yesterday while waiting for the delayed train, he was saying "so busy" in Hakka to another guy who used to go to our restaurant. So I realized that I've met this guy when I was a teenager. It's kinda cool that I've seen quite a few of our old Hakka customers on the GO train. Even more cool that they recognize me and say hello. I used to know at least their last names but I've forgotten most of them by now. Sometimes I miss working at the restaurant. Anyways, one of these days when I muster up the courage, I'll start with a friendly hello.

Handle With Care

2009-04-05T11:56:00.003-04:00

It's Sunday. I woke up early, read, cleaned, brewed my mid-day coffee and it's now my casual writing time.

I can't thank Eric enough for giving me Jodi Picoult's newest book, Handle With Care as a gift. The book was riveting, emotional, page-turner, and very informative. A lot of the perspectives in the book are something my family and I have certainly trod on and explored in the past. Willow's Type III Osteogenesis Imperfecta is nowhere near as drastic as Muscular Dystrophy - FSH. Amelia's emotional troubles are nowhere close to my personal struggles as a sister who witnesses physical, spiritual, emotional pain day in and day out. Charlotte and Sean remind me that there is no visibly bright black and white line for wrongful birth, abortion, and love. Charlotte and Piper's relationship is a reminder that anything can come in between of the best of friendship.

Despite all of those issues and some, does it mean we should stop living, put up a great wall and distance ourselves just because we've been disappointed? I used to be the kind of person who receives pain, and visit the pain until I grow immune to it. It's probably partly why some people around me think I'm forgiving. Nowadays, I inflict pain, or I turn my back on those painful familial relationships, romantic relationships or friendships not because I'm no longer brave, but because I've given up. I've given up on trying to get people to see the positive side and somewhere along the lines, I've given up on being optimistic myself. I've given up on people who don't try and meet me halfway. On a larger extent, I've forgotten that they too have a lot of struggles and choices to make. I've basically put up a white flag and didn't even call it a truce; instead, I've just walked away and told myself that the other party and I just don't click, will just not get along.

Basically, all the grey areas of my life, I've divided them into a black and white issue. It clears up the doubts and the questions in the attempt to rationalize the kind of person I am, the kind of person I want to be and the kind of people I want to keep in my life. Mark calls this my bitchy side, which is not a negative thing at all. I just think it's time to go about things differently than before, and I really don't care about what they think, or how they want to treat it. The way I see it, I'm not pushing people out of my life, I'm only making it clear that this is what I want. They can either stay in or stay out, it's really a very simple choice, much like I can stay in or stay out of their lives. For so long, I've catered to what they want, to go about things their way, that it's just time to change things around. The way I've handled things before, it was my choice before, just as it's my choice today to make the other choice.

Albert Einstein once said, "Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." I'd rebut that and argue that a life lived for solely others is a life less worthwhile. The brittleness of human bond is just that, it doesn't matter how much you protect it, how much padding you put around it; it only matters to how much you want to accept it and take it for whatever value it's worth today.

The following are some quotes from the book that I felt were very articulate of human bond:

“I think you can love a person too much. You put someone on a pedestal, and all of a sudden, from that perspective, you notice what’s wrong – a hair out of place, a run in a stocking, a broken bone. You spend all your time and energy making it right, and all the while, you are falling apart yourself. You don’t even realize what you look like, how far you’ve deteriorated, because you only have eyes for someone else.”

“Maybe you expected marriage to be perfect – I guess that’s where you and I are different. See, I thought it would be all about making mistakes, but doing it with someone who’s there to remind you what you learned along the way. And I think we were both wrong about something. People always say that, when you love someone, nothing in the world matters. But that’s not true, is it? You know, and I know, that when you love someone, everything in the world matters a little bit more.”

“Besides the obvious difference, there was not much distinction between losing a best friend and losing a lover: it was all about intimacy. One moment, you had someone to share your biggest triumphs and fatal flaws with; the next minute, you had to keep them bottled inside. One moment, you’d start to call her to tell her a snippet of news or to vent about your awful day before realizing you did not have that right anymore; the next, you could not remember the digits of her phone number. “

“Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was.”

“But love wasn’t about sacrifice, and it wasn’t about falling short of someone’s expectations. By definition, love made you better than good enough; it redefined perfection to include your traits, instead of excluding them.”

“When you think you’re right, you are most likely wrong.”

“Things that break – be they bones, hearts or promises – can be put back together but will never really be whole.”

“You can miss a person you’ve never known.”

From witless to shitless

2009-03-27T01:21:00.001-04:00

Perhaps of my early-on visceral attitude on so many aspects of life that I am now utterly disabled at going about things in a cerebral process. Much less chopping any situation in a rationalized manner. Until today, 5 months after the fact.

I've shared only the physical details with a few friends, but when it came right down to the middle murky ones, I've conveniently skipped it. My attempt at writing this down is my very feeble atonement to mark this tangibly and let it dissipate from my memory, once and for all.

Last October, I was standing on Pont des Art, savoring the silence, the freedom and the solitude. I was mesmerized by the beauty and the calm of the Seine River, the surrounding rich-in-green trees, the intricate structure of the Louvre, and drawn in to the Parisian animosity. At one point, I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't hear an old woman creep up beside me. She was clearly poor, and asking me for money, in French. I politely walked away though I was scared witless. She followed me several times, and in each passing, I would walk faster and faster to the point where I'd run away from her. [To defend myself, a lot of people did this after seeing her too.]

She was wearing few layers of tattered clothes, her head bundled up with a dirty blue scarf so that you could only see her face with a few strands of her grey hair. She had a really bulky and thick nose, grey eyes, cracked lips and very crinkly wrinkled skin. She has a lot of difficulty walking because of her broken right ankle, so broken in fact, that she drags her ankle on the planks of the bridge. Her right ankle and foot together literally form a 'L' shape. Her voice was so hoarse and raspy, probably from dehydration.

I only had one eye contact with this woman, and it was impressionable enough for me to think that she looked like the evil witches in the Snow White, Rapunzel, Henzel and Gretel etc. Since that day, I've had recurring dreams about her. About 5 or 6 times. I usually wake up in fear. Every time after dreaming about her, I brush it off and carry on my routine because honestly, I am too busy to rationalize this.

This morning, I told a friend about these recurrent dreams. She told me to pray about it and thinks it's my conscience tugging at me for not giving money or food to the very old woman. This afternoon on the GO train, I, after 5 months, finally explored this on my own, in the seclusion of my head: it might be God testing my almost now non-existent compassion. Tonight, among slews of other conversation topics with my best friend, proposed my dreams to be the old woman's passing spirit who has come to haunt me. I was then scared shitless.

He then attempted to rationalize my spiritual reasoning, that God would know what I fear, and would never present himself to me that way. Furthermore, I will surely not fly to Paris to find this scary old witchy woman, feed her with food or shower her with money, just to ease my conscience. So my only options are to pray about it or just accept that the witchy old woman has passed on and is haunting me. Neither of which seem to be cerebrally possible, in part or in entriety. Hmmm...

Glass and clone

2009-03-01T18:31:00.002-05:00

Someone with two very capable hands and unlimited patience can take a few fragmented piece of glass and piece them together. It may look put-together to the unsuspecting eye but to the keen eye, it's just a cloned attempt. The clone can't pretend to be put-together because it has scars and unsightly marks to prove it, to remind it. The capable hands also know they can't fully piece it to the way it was, but settles for the clone for what it has become.

So, how are they going to meet in the middle?

Aging

2009-02-11T21:01:00.058-05:00

Last Saturday while having dinner with an old friend, I asked him if he worries about getting old. He, very nonchalantly, replied, "nope".

Reason I asked him was because I have a lot of friends who are either hitting the 25 mark or just graced it. Among them, two are getting married and worried about not having friends anymore; one is insanely worried about the aging of everything; one is hanging on to dear life every last minute of being 25; and one is thinking that it's the end of a what you call "fun" life.

So, back to this friend. His reason was that when you start admitting you're old, it all goes downhill from there. I've heard this statement before, but that was really back to when I was 18 or so. It just hit me more last Saturday and it's been on my mind since. It kind of rings true because once you worry about aging, you worry about all the responsibilities and social stigmas of aging: finding a boyfriend or girlfriend, settling down for anything in life that's just alright instead of what you really want, curbing your habits and curtailing them to what society deems you should be doing at a certain point of life, etc. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it just seems more "rushed".

I've never thought much about aging. I've only thought about what I wanted to do before I hit 30. That's about as far as my imagination has taken me. I think when your life gets so absorbed with life, you don't think of age much, you take it as the day comes, as the challenges hit you. There are so many things to do that age is such an insignificant trivial knowledge.

It's all the other things that come with aging that's so much greater and in hindsight, so much better. You get all these sets of experiences in life, all these sets of your own comfortable do-s and don't-s, and you use them to embrace the next day with more confidence and more firmness of what drives you.

Walk the fine line

2009-01-28T01:25:00.051-05:00

Slumdog Millionaire moves beyond words, it's a reminder of a home long buried in materiality, to people who dive in to the heart of everything that matters.

It fascinates me that someone like Jamal's life brushes on the fine line of luck and misfortune, yet all the misfortune precisely makes him value whatever "luck" there's left for him. On a retrospective, all his luck were heavily disguised as his misfortunes. It reminds me of the home where people scrounged savagely for whatever the better of human nature has left behind. It's dirty, wild with raw emotions that are brought forefront and revealed through their eyes.

This is much unlike what is happening around me: people are self-interested, even if it jeopardizes the reputation of their career and their family. Money talks without integrity, with a loud voice that bounces off even a filled room. It's almost like humanity has to be thrown out the window everyday to justify that asset size.

All in all, this is a must-watch movie, with much room for character development, both for the actors/actresses and ourselves.

Hold out for more

2009-01-24T23:56:00.002-05:00

Splinter,
on a rock,
small stones,
scattered.

Settle,
for less,
or hold out,
for more.

Choose,
among them,
the one,
who'd hurt the least.
---------
This is probably the simplest one I've written, ever. Am trying to simplify this complex thought process that's been on my mind. You could say I'm trying to convey my feelings really loudly with just a few words.

I wrote an email to my best friend last weekend, poured my feelings out, putting them into the rawest words I can find. He replied back with a very simple response to my rhetorical question. So, the style here is partly inspired by him.

To love is to be selfish

2009-01-17T18:16:00.000-05:00

Part of my job is that I have to account for every transaction that goes in the client’s account, with their permission, then document that permission and then document everything else. In every request, every step has to be permissible and well (if over) documented. This is because of fear, fear of lawsuits, fear of not being responsible, fear of being accused wrongly etc.

On the grander scheme of perspective, we’ve built a nation on fear and possession, fearful of possibilities (more so on the negative ones), on challenges that may throw us off at our game, scatter our logic, and our process. We’ve built in so much selfishness, to not get hurt, to not get the short end of the stick. Do you think it’s because we’re determined to get the best for ourselves or because we’re built to be innately selfish? Then again, love can brew out of that need to be selfish and possessiveness.

I mean, think about it, the brighter end of the line on being selfish is that we love ourselves enough. It doesn’t sound like an appealing thought to someone else, but really, everyone can love himself or herself enough to protect themselves, to not let our stomach hurt, to not let the bad people in our lives, in our homes and so on. Similarly, we can love ourselves enough to let in other people who can love us just as well, if not more.

So, maybe, love is about being selfish, increasingly being selfish can just simply mean that we love ourselves increasingly over time.

2009-01-07T23:26:00.001-05:00

I've been trying really hard to write lately, but as soon as I have the first sentence down, I stop and proceed to save my one line sentence on my Mac. I think it's partly because I've deciphered all my thoughts out in my private journals or with my best friend that I don't feel the need to write a more paraphrased entry here. Or I muster up my thoughts on the GO train and then forget it all by the time I get home. And all the unfinished stories are just sitting there, taking up micro spaces in my hard drive.

The closest relationship to writing in the next few months would be all the proof reading I'll be doing for my friend's course. Thank God he at least writes good English haha. Or I'm hoping (I kid, if you're reading this haha). I just can't stand the thought of having to rewrite the whole essay for someone, especially since I tend to use a formal tone on writing in general. Then there's the problem of actually understanding what I'll be editing haha. I suppose engineering will be a lot easier to understand than my sister's biology paper.
-----
In other thoughts, the rest of my January's going to be so busy but there's so many exciting events going on! Sometimes, I say yes to things at the spur of the moment, then as the day gets closer, I want to cancel cuz of over exhaustion. haha, I'm really feeling the age nowadays.

Right now, I'm trying to fit a particular trip into my tentative vacations. I'm going to be an aunt to my best cousin's baby!! At first, I was planning (in my head) for 2 vacations but now I have to cancel one of them, or find a way to fit China into this too.

Flying hours

2008-12-13T21:49:00.003-05:00

I have to eat my words from Saturday afternoon. I can't not write, despite what I told two of my closest friends.

In the past two years, I learned that in learning about who my friends are, or the kind of people they are and have become, I've learned a thing or two about myself. Experiences changes a person, we all know that. What I seem to be repeatedly learning is that experience affects absolutely everything, the makeup and the core of a person being human. It can strip away the perspectives that you've held onto for as long as you remember and may or may not keep intact your values and dignity. When and if you've lost your values or your dignity to be compromised, you've got to strip away from that past circle, and get onto a new path, to re-learn, to see again, to feel again, to touch again. That's what I'm working on: to be inspired by humanity.

Every deep conversation that I carry with my best friend, it leaves me profound that there's a soul out there who doesn't necessarily fully understand me, but tries. It's a humbling knowledge that somebody respects you and your decisions, and still grounds you.

Every moment of connection and chemistry with a good friend leaves me inspired, to write and to feel again. It's the over-dramatization that makes you reflect your choices and your path. Maybe you'd call that an extremity but to truly reflect and keep yourself in check, by extension, you'd have to allow it.

Every source of laughter with a childhood friend leaves me feeling absolute bliss, then ponder about how much I have truly laughed or smiled lately. It's the remembrance of good times that make you wonder how much time you've left at all.

Every remnants of witnessing a friend remembering her mother who died from breast cancer several years ago, I wonder about how hardly or rarely anyone else seems to appreciate their parents, especially when they have been loved and been given everything they want and need. Are we really that forgetful? Do we really only abide by the pragmatics of life?

Every little additional details that I learn about my little sister, I wonder about how I never learned it the first time around, how I failed to see her changing. I then realize that I've changed, far exceeding or crushing some of her expectations of me.

When something happened last Tuesday on the train, I wondered how long am I going to deny myself what I need, how long am I going to compromise my happiness when I hold onto anything out of being sentimental, how much time am I going to waste away by shouldering all the unnecessary burdens. I absolutely feel like time is running out. Times are a changin', louder than ever. And that's not to be taken figuratively. I'm not going to waste time by taking life ever so lightly because there are a lot of things I need to do. I just need to remember that and put it into action.

Macbook

2008-11-30T18:44:00.001-05:00

I can't wait to get my macbook and lock myself up in my room, oblivious to the noise, and distractions. UGH!!! Having my own laptop means so much to me, so I've been feeling different since the Toshiba finally succumbed to its last breath, and finally, certified by Mr. Eric.

One of the disadvantage of having a big family is there is never any quiet moments or privacy. If I wanted absolute privacy, it would have to be in my bathroom. I have a huge headache right now, from breathing an incessant amount of burnt fumes. And cold from opened windows.

Was going to get a Christmas tree and some computer/study desks today but cancelled our plans cuz we slept in. Our old Christmas tree was thrown out three years ago cuz of the insane amount of work, so we're shopping for a simpler and shorter tree.

Lately, I haven't been wanting to see people or go out or talk to people. I just feel this need to be alone, and it seems to be a really loud need on some days. I kinda want to laugh it all out but nobody can really make me laugh, unless I entertain myself...

Am currently working on a friend's present, and hopefully after getting the Mac, will organize all my pictures to be sent to print. I kinda can't wait to start organizing pictures into my photo albums, but seeing those past pictures kinda make me sad. In some odd way, I feel like I've gotten so old just because everything has changed. It's like trying to be content despite all the changes. I also realized I pushed away most of these people because I can't stand their attitude or our differences are so prominent that I find them really hard to get along with, or I don't give them a chance, so I just give up because I don't want to waste my time. Yet a part of me nags about giving people chances, and being persistent etc. I think staying honest to myself and the people in my life is getting a lot harder, without making so many compromises and thus, affecting my relationships/friendships...

Blah, this is a shabby entry but I just felt like solidifying my feelings into words right now. Sorry you had to sift through my crap in reading this haha.

Sentiments of Enchantment

2008-11-30T05:02:00.000-05:00

Alienation driven from pillar to post,
hanging on the need to believe,
in you, in me, in us,
in our allegiance against the barbarism
of a world far removed from believing.

I stroll to the memory lane,
your lingered laughter still in my maze,
your gaze lost in mine,
under the rain,
brushing past the fears of that first day.

The wistful bond,
within reach yet so far from my grasp,
sudden animosity driven from fear,
of you, of me, of us,
but I still believe.

Smell

2008-11-25T23:42:00.000-05:00

Between ages 7 to 11, my older sister and I used to walk to Christ the King Church on Sundays, the nearest Church in our Pakistani neighborhood. Every Sunday, on our route, we would pass by this tree that was filled with small white flowers. I used to love picking the flower and inhale the smell, then put it behind my ear. In some small way, I used to look forward to Sundays just so I can smell them.

Since my days in Pakistan, I have never ever seen that flower again but I remember the smell.

Yesterday, when passing by Bath and Body Works, I thought I would go in and find the lotion that my friend wanted. Under the usual circumstances, I would avoid shopping at such a busy store because I don't have the patience to fight through the crowd just to save a few bucks. Nonetheless, I went in out of being nice and started a smell test of all their different kinds of antibacterial lotion. I thought the wild honeysuckle lotion smelled vaguely familiar but I wasn't able to pinpoint the familiarity. I picked up a few and then went to the said friend's house to drop them off. I then put a little bit of the wild honeysuckle lotion on my hands and even then, I couldn't recognize the smell.

This morning at work, I put some on again and out of my sudden thirst of knowledge, I googled wild honeysuckle and found all these images. Apparently, they bloom in all sorts of different colors and not just white.

So all day long at work, I've been inhaling my hands at every chance I get; each time, taking me back to the familiar route of a Sunday routine.

Now I know the name of my favorite flower, aside from orchids and lilies. This is my small miracle of the day.

Taints

2008-11-24T20:48:00.001-05:00

It bothers me that things were/are not always good. I realized I don't like finding out about things that taints my image of a good friendship, a good person etc. And I can't stand unfairness. It is not just about reciprocity, but equal reciprocity. If things have been really bad once, it will never be quite good enough anymore.

I'm disappointed at the past even when I know things have changed a lot since then. Things are much better, yet I can't help it. I can't stand silent agreements, or unspeakable agreements.

One in Four

2008-11-23T00:44:00.003-05:00

I decided to visit a friend's blog tonight, after a very long time. I suppose it's purely coincidental that I happen to read the same chapter that moved me a long time ago. The 'she' in his story has a gripping familiarity, especially when she "hardly feels like it's [her] memory anymore".

In my whole life, I've only told four people the full story and only one out of those four understood me completely, because he saw through all my "weird" reactions and self-destruction and loved me as a person nonetheless. I came into terms with what happened 11 years after the fact, when I started trusting somebody and needed to talk about it before I sunk into an emotional mess. To this day, I don't think I will ever find anyone who will quite get why I act the way I do or dress the way I do.

Sometimes, I think it's really hard to understand and deal with this sort of reality. Even if you know someone who went through the same situation doesn't necessarily make it less painful or make your own memory any less hazy. And when I hear other people/friends joke about it, it makes me angry at their short-sightedness and their insensitivity. Other times, I think other people have had it worse, as if feeling pity for someone else somehow detaches you from your own scarred memory. And much like her, I'm glad it happened to me because I think in a weird sense, it gave a definition of who I am, as in the fact changed me and I wanted to be above and over it. Badly.

1 in 4, 1 in 4, yet I don't know anybody who has been through this kind of reality. Not that I can help them or they can help me, at least I don't think so. I suppose "knowing" her personal story just reminds me that I'm not alone.

Crowd

2008-11-20T21:31:00.002-05:00

It's like living through the most crushing heartbreak except the tears dried up a long ago, knowing there will never be a possibility of a breakthrough and you've ran out on empty hopes for awhile now. Knowing that for as long as I live, I will just be another stranger who made an impact, just not a memorable one.

At the end of the day, I keep wondering how much I mattered, how to go about changing for the better, how to stop doubting myself, how to stop making excuses, how to stop running to my best friend in the hopes of a fresh new perspective to momentarily feel like any of it matters.

How much does it matter? Should it matter? Has the change made me happier or do I scramble to pick up the remnants of the forgotten pieces and attempt to piece a better one? Attempting the momentarily numbness only loudens the pain even more.

I know what tools I need to help me jump, I just don't quite know if I'm ready to venture out to find them.

Humble Beginnings

2008-11-16T20:58:00.000-05:00

Sunday is sometimes a rather frustrating day; at other times, it is one of the best days of the week. Sunday's dinner is also the only meal when I eat like I'm eating a year's worth of food. (haha, I think that might surprise Mark and Eric)

Today, over dinner and Corona, my mom was reminiscing about our life in Pakistan. Every time I hear about my parents' story, from their dating days to their marriage to the business creativity they started out of sheer desperation for survival, I am constantly inspired. My mom lights up when she talks passionately about how a few good-hearted strangers took them out of spiritual abuse to an environment filled with love, how they moved out of their friends' places to their own, how they went from poverty to having a very successful business in a short period of time, less than 5, to be precise.

I think none of my close friends know the sort of life me and my family had in Pakistan or what kind of business my parents had etc. In the small Hakka community in Pakistan, my parents were known as the family who had nothing to having a business, all the while raising 5 kids and sending money home to their siblings. Sometimes I am amazed as to how my parents did it: private education for all 5 kids, having family time on Fridays and Saturdays either at a fishing site or a picnic at the beach, etc. I've been listening to my parents' stories over and over and I am never bored of it. It's almost like there's something new that I learn about them, new perspectives that are derived.

Sometimes I wonder if their story is a such a strong source of inspiration for me, if it can be a source for someone else. Other times, I wonder if people will see it as a regular story of a regular set of people who desperately needed to make themselves matter in a cruel world.

I think it is really important for us to know our roots, because there is such a rich story behind our small or big accomplishments, and something that we can be humbly prideful of. It is probably the only source of relation we have with strangers.

Jump or be jumped

2008-11-09T01:17:00.001-05:00

When you jump on your bed, you expect that at some point of the jump, you'd come back down, only to jump again. The joy from jumping is the expectation that at some point, you'd recline back to the start and do the jump again, and you'd aim to jump higher and higher at every point.

But what if you just don't want to jump anymore, because you don't want to risk coming back down, you just want to stay up there and defy all the odds of gravity? Or you don't find this jumping game fun anymore, even if it is ultimately, a happy game.

Concession and Victory Speeches

2008-11-05T19:23:00.003-05:00

I wasn't very willing to stay up too late last night to listen to Senator McCain's concession speech and President Obama's victory speech. So, I listened to it just now.

Senator McCain has a lot of class, despite his 'loss' to President Obama. That man spoke eloquently in his concession speech.

President Obama made this statement: "...This victory alone is not the change we seek, it is only the chance for us to make that change...we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers. In this country, we rise and fall as one nation, as One People. Let's resist on falling back to the same partisanship, pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long....While the Democratic party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility, and determination to heal the vice that held back our progress."

Just looking at the way his political campaign have strategically placed this man to be the 44th President of USA: his race, his age and supposed "inexperience", stopped accepting public funding etc. You can't help but feel that Change is indeed possible. It's kinda weird that the most powerful country that has made so many progress had its first Black President last night, whereas in many less-developed countries, they've already had women or other races as their presidents.

How can you not be moved with a man who is what America is supposed to be, but unfortunately, is not? He reminds us that Change starts really from us, no matter how insignificant we may think of ourselves to be, a reminder of progress built on hope and hopefully, a reality, in the months and the next 4 years to come.

I've developed an interest for politics because I was always amazed at a political team or party's united (or supposedly united) strength to fight for something (whether we agree or disagree with what they believe in). This whole campaign was a reminder of that again. It's powerful, and hopefully President Obama along with the White House will materialize that progress and that change for a better place for people.

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In other news, the price to pay for "breaking" the law is $30. When I saw that ticket, my first thought was was what Mark and Gav asked me on seperate occasions: you don't get in trouble for parking there? All I could do was smile and drive on.

Quote

2008-11-03T23:17:00.002-05:00

"Something exists only if there's someone around to remember it." - Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes

Edit - haha, if you read this entry before, and only saw the quote, it's because I wanted to write the quote down before I forget it. It was just one of those quotes that stuck to me over and over again, from Europe till now. I thought about how as a quite sentimental person (maybe not so much these days haha), I've had a hard time letting go of anything because I hold onto these unnecessarily for sentimental value.

So, the book, Nineteen Minutes, was a really *deep breath* kind of book. I literally put the book down on the plane, had to take in a deep breath and gather my feelings and go "ok, it's just a book even if it mimics reality" or I'd be an emotional mess. (Haha, I'm usually an emotional mess after reading a good book. I'd like to think of it as a 'high' that I get from good books.)

Jodi Picoult is a really fabulous writer. I'm always scoping out for some new words or new thoughts in her books, and I've read 3 of her books already. I'm looking to get another 4 of her books.

Ever since I've been back, my world has been swayed around (and back again) in this huge debacle of what we call the career world. I've been staying late every day, skipping my lunch hour, but pretty motivated. When my friend saw me in downtown, he said that I looked so relaxed and happy from the trip. Little does he know, that I've also been paying the price of post-vacation and have the bad skin, and bad diet to show for it. It's kinda hard to stay uplifted/motivated when you're faced with the overwhelming job related work and personal goals.

Thank God for my family cuz I don't have to cook any of my meals (thus I buy less take out and get fatless), for the friend who calls almost every day and just talk/joke (it keeps me realxed and rejuvenated), for the friend at work (haha she's already surpassed the 'co-worker' title) who tries to drag me out for a walk during the lunch hour. I have nothing else to report, except that despite this debacled circle of routine that I'm in, I'm happy. Probably helps that I have a bunch of new chinese music in my ipod touch haha. Right now, I'm only interested in making this "contentment" last as long as possible and can't bother with bullshit agendas that bullshit people have. Haha, I'm so content that I'm not even interested in dating, despite a few people's suggestions.

In and out of love in a parking lot

2008-10-02T21:06:00.000-04:00

I was wondering about this in the shower for some reason: Do marriages fall apart more nowadays due to additional burdens or responsibilities that we've taken up in today's society or we've romanticized the idea of love so much in movies and books that we've built a different level of expectation for love now?

It could be the latter, I suppose.

Ever since we were little, we've been exposed to a fair amount of fairy tales, or love stories that end well, whether it be through movies or books or any other method of fabricated ideas. I don't think we've been taught well or exposed enough to the struggles of these stories, so we haven't picked up on many of the skills of how to deal with stressful times, or how to communicate, how to love in bad times and in good etc. Of course the argument here could be that we don't willingly expose ourselves enough or allow ourselves to see these struggle mechanisms, which is valid because living through them can teach us a far better lesson than witnessing what others go through.

So, going with the idea that we haven't picked up on many of the skills, do you think that maybe our idea of love has been slighted, just a tad? That because of our lack of skills, we've given up on love and marriage far more easily than we should have? Or if you flip the coin to the other side, that because we've been "over-exposed" to the fairytale romance, we've altered the true concept of love and anything that has fallen short of that concept, we have the tendency to give up more easily?

Touched...for the very first time

2008-09-24T13:15:00.001-04:00

After an indecisive round of where and what we would eat, we eventually settled down at a Chinese restaurant.

Maybe it was because we had an intense debate about success, happiness, and finding that invisible balance early in the morning, a light conversation was much needed between us.

[Insert a lot of laughter here and there between B and G in the conversation]

B: How was the spa?
G: It was weird.
B: What do you mean, weird?
G: I had to be naked.
B: Ah, you should be more comfortable with your own body.
G: Not when I have to be naked in front of somebody!
B: But you’re not completely naked. Don’t they let you wear your bra and undies?
G: I did wear my bra. She told me to take it off. The only thing I was allowed to wear was paper undies.
B: (begins laughing) Paper undies is not THAT uncomfortable.
G: It was embarrassing!!
B: So you’re telling me they rub the oil onto your whole body?
G: Yea….
B: (laughs hysterically) Including your boobies?
G: Yea….except the nipples
B: (laughs hysterically and rotates his fingers in the clockwise direction) Isn’t there a nipple cover thing?
G: There’s a sticker strapless bra, but those cover your boobs and not just nipples. Besides, removing sticker from your nipples would hurt!
B: Does this remind you of a certain song?
G: A song about boobs? No!
B: That kiss song…
G: By Katy Perry?
B: Yea! Except you should write “I got touched by a girl and I liked it…”
G: (Makes a disgruntled face at B)
B: You should write about it, haha
G: Then put a picture with my hands covering my boobs!!
B: Yea! Think about how everyone will learn from your experience.
G: Yea…my misery is their happiness…hmm
B: Haha you got molested! This is kinda like that scene from Friends where Chandler goes to Joey’s tailor and finds out the tailor has been molesting Joey all along
G: Oh yea, I know that scene!

[Conversation ends with a lot of loud laughter and another topic begins…]

Dreams

2008-09-21T20:22:00.003-04:00

Source: Unionville, ON
Nikon D40: F/9, 42 mm, 1/160 sec., ISO-400

In light of this segment of thought, as seen in the picture above, and a debate I had with my best friend this morning, along with a series of events, I've been pondering about life in general: What do I want to derive out of it? Do I want anything badly enough to will myself in taking that first step? I'm happy but how do I get that reflected in my career? I'm not in my first-choice career (it's really my second choice) but it's practical and more economical in the sense that it'll get me to my other life goals, is that enough? If I decide to have a change of career at say when I'm 30, will I be motivated and be brave enough to cross that second boat?

What really got me started on all this thinking was when I walked towards the UTSG campus to meet with him, and I saw a lot of people focused and driven by their goals at the Bahen Centre. Then I was observing him thinking about his stuff, running around to get some minute stuff finished, and it got me reminiscing and reflecting.

Having my dreams so easily accessible in my head and vocalizing what I want is all fine and dandy, but I'm not motivated enough. I've stopped planning for what I want in life and so caught up in living the moment. All the plans that I had for myself ever since I was little just didn't materialize since I came to Canada. Sometimes I feel like all the things I've done and experienced were really out of luck, and a lot of things that I do want to do, somehow I get caught up in the emotions of life's drama and forget to focus on my dreams.

I got accepted into both U of T and York, out of sheer luck, considering I was so caught up in a family drama at the time and my grades reflected that issue. I went on to get a pretty prestigious job into a brokerage firm, which apparently is really hard to get into, all because a good-hearted First Vice President of the company liked the fact that I can speak a couple languages. I dated somebody after knowing him for only three months based only on the bonding factor that we've been through the same kind of things together, eventually fell in love with him and his family, talked and planned on creating a family together, then all that was wiped off because he decided that I wasn't good enough for him.

The fact is, I wasn't. At the time, I wasn't good enough of a person to tell him that even though I have many faults and am really stubborn to the point where I'm not willing to change, I was more than worthy enough of his honesty and respect. A year and a half ago, my happiness in life was linked to how proud my family is/will be of me, how well my friends treated me, how well am I loved to the point where the person I love wants to spend the rest of his life with me, how established of a person have I been to be able to give advice freely and to speak with conviction about life's struggles.

The self-motto I've created for myself since childhood was that I am who I am, I don't expect myself to be perfect, and anybody that expects me to even be close to perfect or ask me to change my bad habits can get the fuck out of my life. I was never so kind as to will myself to change to adapt to what other people wanted. Whatever they wanted of me, I had to be comfortable about it or learn it myself in order to go through with it. That was true in so far in that it only applied to my closest relationship, when my relationship with people got really close. That was my definition of loving myself: to be true to myself. But it was all linked and tied in with them.

It's only recently that I've learned to love and take care of myself without linking myself to people, not even my closest family, or friendships or any potential future romantic relationships can be a linking factor. It doesn't matter how long I've known them or well I've known them. I've slowly changed myself and taken myself out of a lot of things/relationships because I wanted to be first and foremost, be good to myself and surround myself with people who are good to me and encourage me to be me. I want to be fun and loving without being made fun of, I want to change the intricate pieces about myself on my own terms, and not because people around me wanted me to change or adapt, I want to step away from all my confusing relationships with people and be on my own. It's an exhilarating feeling to know that I've finally taken a step to be happy with myself (albeit a bit late) without all these other associations, and I can only hope that will have a spillover effect onto the other areas of my life: career, being motivated, focusing etc.

(Wow, this is a super long entry. My next entry will be about getting touched by a girl, in all the unexpected places, and uh, it was quite an experience, to say the least. Details to be shared, not so willingly, but I figure if Mark had such a good laugh out of it, I might as well give it away. Laughter is really a great medication and you can't overdose from it.)

Big and small toys

2008-09-18T22:05:00.002-04:00

There's too much excitement going on in my house right now. I can't concentrate haha. My dad thinks he has to practice driving in it for a bit so he can get used to it. So I drove everyone around the neighborhood, my siblings were in their pajamas, and everyone's making so many comments. All this excitement is not good for me since I'm attempting to study. My family's really cute haha.

I found a lot of friends for Shane: lens hood, 4 filters and a new screen protector. And they all came to see him today!!

Wayyyy too many distractions right now haha. Right now, I think my siblings are spending the night in the car.

I'm feeling super blessed lately. My mom's been making/packing my lunch everyday of this week to alleviate me from the stress. My dad's been making all these jokes and trying to motivate me in life. This happens particularly on the mornings he drives me to the GO and asks how I'm doing. My siblings and I have been getting along rather well for the past little while, bonding over the silliest topics. My best friend is driving me to the exam, thereby optimizing my studying/cramming time. Another friend and her boyfriend cooks lunch for me every week, thereby cutting my cost of buying lunch. I'm all smiles nowadays haha.

More or less

2008-09-15T23:49:00.002-04:00

I think there are way too many financial analysts making partly educated guesses, giving away too many differentiated opinions that it's throwing the financial market off to an even bigger tangent than it is. As much right as investors have to be panicked about the current state of the market, I think the exaggerated difference of opinions from analysts creates an unnecessary investment hostility for not only the institutional clients, but creates a spillover effect onto the general public investors, furthering the "damage" on the economic market.

Also, all this mergers and buyouts of banks by a major bank makes it a super scary world, in terms of financial institutional control. It'll just be Bank of America and Citigroup who will become major banks of U.S.A., which means that there'll be less competition against the "smaller" banks (whatever small bank that is able to survive this turbulent times), and eventually, they will either team up or be bought out by the other, which I believe, the general public (especially the national citizens) and the government will suffer for, due to incurred fees (furthering their bank profit) and financial control of their domestic market (the chartered banks having more control of the market than the national government bank).
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I've been loving this song! Enjoy!

Perfect Sundays

2008-09-14T10:52:00.001-04:00

I love having my Sundays to myself. Perhaps the weekdays and weeknights get so busy that I look forward to spending some time in solitude. I almost never book any outing with friends on Sunday. I also love starting out my Sunday with a cup of coffee and blogging.

Nikon D40: 26 mm, F/4.2, 1/50 sec., ISO-400.

As busy as it was in the past week, I had the luxury of seeing a good friend from University after a year and a half. It felt really good to be around an old friend. Thanks Rebecca!

I also got a postcard from Mr. Eric this week! That was surprising because I didn't expect one so soon. I think towards this year end, I'm going to fill a section of the wall in my room and call it the "postcard wall". When I was shuffling through my bookshelf the other day, I found a few postcards from some friends. Re-reading them put a smile on my face, especially when they fill out every space of the postcard with their experiences.

Yesterday, I did something new in my life and it felt liberating and almost "grown up". I have Mark to thank for all the input and listening to all the relaying of the indecisiveness. I also have Eugene to thank for being there with me and my family. And Salima for always being there for me in every step, from the researching to the excitement to the actual finish.

I also love finding out new things about some of my friends. Just this week alone, I found two other friends who are into photography. I'm looking forward to many-a-photography escapades with them. I also love spending time with people one-on-one now as opposed to a group. There are so many things that I learn about them that I never had the fortune to know when we're in a group setting. Sometimes I think I'm continually surprised by them, that if there's anything surprising about me that they don't know of. Oh, the surprise elements of friendship.

I've also been making a list of places to travel (in no particular order): Vancouver, Thailand, China (incl. Taiwan and HK), Australia, Singapore, San Francisco, Italy, Buenos Aires, Peru, Tanzania, Mauritius, Sweden....

Vacation

2008-09-08T20:24:00.001-04:00

Edit: Dang!! I'm getting way too excited about Paris when I look through the research. I'm going to be so dazzled with the architecture and the artistic city....

I concur with a sentence in one of Emily's entry about how planning for Europe is fun, but when the actual trip comes along, it doesn't seem as fun anymore. I completely agree with that because I've planned many smaller events and the time that lead up to it is all fun, but then I forget to truly enjoy myself for the actual day.

So, I'm hoping that with all these smaller things that I have to do before Europe will distract me enough from being excited about the trip. I learned that I want to be surprised, continuously. I don't like everything being planned to a 'T' and think a little room of spontaneity adds the zest to a vacation. I learned that I much prefer sightseeing than a city with lots of shopping, per-se. I'm drawn to the history and the culture of a country rather than what's available.

Next year for my Canadian trip, I think I'll go to Mont Tremblant; for my smaller week-long trip, I'll visit either San Francisco or Vancouver; and for my big trip, I'm divided between Thailand and China/HK/Taiwan. Thailand never quite made it to my top 10 of places to go but after hearing someone talk about the culture and the art, I started getting drawn to it. Haha, partly why I'm so much more drawn to it is because I keep thinking Shane will get many great pictures from there.

My Parents

2008-08-25T00:04:00.002-04:00

As I am writing this entry, I just finished celebrating dad's birthday with my family, am semi drunk on a 53% Mao Tai Wine, and really need to head to bed. But I wanted to savor the moment and write it all down before tomorrow comes. Before the wine wipes away my memory.

I don't usually write about my parents but my best friends can attest that I am really proud of them and that I'm really close to them. Even when I was on my weekend getaway, I thought about them often and was getting a bit emotional.

It is my dad's birthday today. Sort of. My dad was born on August 24, according to the Lunar Calendar; or October 12, according to the Julien/Gregorian Calendar. (Yes Mark, we figured out dad's birthday on the Julien calendar) But because of the way birth certificates were recorded back in his days, we have been celebrating his birthday on August 24 every year. As I was asking my dad about his real birth date, the topic came about that both my mom and dad have the same birthday on the Lunar calendar, but different birth dates on the Julien calendar because of their age difference.

So every 19 years (?), my parents would have the same birthday, on both the Lunar and Julien Calendar. As they were telling me this, I was thinking their story is really romantic and sweet. I don't have the most romantic parents and they're not very expressive of their feelings for each other, as is typical of Asian families; but somehow I correlate their same lunar birthday as fate and destiny. That two people who fell in love because of the art of writing (or handwriting, I should say) turned out to have the same birthday, have the same hard-working attitude towards their goals, came from being desolately poor to living well, have the same drive to motivation, have driven their motivation to being successful business partners. On top of all that, they have raised a big family together and still take care of their respective family back home.

As critical as I am of their marriage and their happiness with each other, I can't help but feel they were meant to be together. That's romance in itself. Their love story may be typical but it's romantic and they worked together for it.

(Thanks Eric for the Lunar/Julien/Gregorian calendar links)

Old Songs

2008-08-17T20:10:00.005-04:00

I've been listening to a couple of old Chinese songs over and over while I study..one of them's 其實你心裡有沒有我. It used to make me sad, but somehow, it makes me smile now. Sometimes I remember how all the cheesy promises made in my romantic relationships can carve into memories that are worth visiting over and over in life.

Enjoy!

Clean Slate

2008-08-11T01:13:00.001-04:00

Neat Layout, I hope? I love getting rid of garbage sometimes.

Source: The backyard of Zoroastrian Society of Ontario

Nikon D40: 46 mm, F 5.3, 1/30 sec., ISO 400

Mockery of a family affair

2008-08-08T15:49:00.011-04:00

Every four years, the Summer Olympics is a family affair for me.

I believe the athleticism and the professionalism of every athlete are exponentially unified with the competition and the glorious celebration. That high feat of celebration acknowledges the athlete’s cultural and background differences but still unites them into putting their best foot forward.

However, that celebration is continually tainted with the ‘leaders’ of the world who thinks they should, and can, stick their own “business and agendas into the bedrooms of another nation”. Citizens of the world then follow suit with their political demonstrations. Every state and nation has their own authoritative and/or democratic ways to rule their country. While we may disagree with our neighbor’s authoritative and socialist institutions, we forget what the Olympics stand for.

It is not to say that we should turn a blind eye to the turmoil the poor people of China is currently facing, caused by the Chinese desperately wanting to prove to the world how far it has come. It is not to say we should stand by and witness the pollution caused by an economy that expanded so suddenly.

However, it should be said that the Olympics is a unification of every citizen of the world who roots for their country in an uproar heave of pride. It is a celebration of every athlete who overcomes their physical shortcomings, who fights for their dream and places their soul onto a sport they love so well. Celebrate them and resolve other matters tomorrow.

Haunted Images

2008-07-31T22:07:00.007-04:00

A friend introduced me to this song couple months ago: Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy. When I first heard it, I was disarrayed for at least a month. I accidentally heard this song again tonight on So You Think You Can Dance, and it's gotten to me again. Plus I was cleaning out my e-mails at work when I came across the story about Bea and Oz.

It's really a lot of things together but I keep wondering how far is too far-fetched? When does the overbearing silence become silent again? When does crossing the line deem to be politically incorrect in any relationship setting? When does the difference become greater than the indifference?

I realized today that when you fall, you fall harder each time. Perhaps I've fallen a long time ago but just realized the impact today. I should have recognized the silence that was slowly decaying, bearing the root of it all, but alas, I didn't. You were always the perfect portrayal of my almost lover.

Source: Chocolate ice cream on a hot summer day
Nikon D40: 40mm, F/5, 1/100 sec., ISO 400

Told in a story

2008-07-29T22:21:00.005-04:00

This morning, I was standing on the GO train and as usual, I was looking out the window, observing the city, when I saw an old man in an empty parking lot. While this is quite ordinary, the unusual thing was that he was clutching a really long and shiny necklace. He was slowly pacing back and forth in the parking lot, with his head tilted forward, like he was reminiscing. I was wondering what his story was, like if he's remembering somebody, or if he was lost.

I'm quite imaginative and so when I see situations like that, it makes me want to write. It inspires me to write. I like writing about people and their stories. I think it helps people relate.

Today, for the first time in three years, I like the commute again. I get to observe people and imagine what their life is like, scope out who's happy, who's sad, who's stressed, who's having a bad morning/day etc.

Location: Markham, ON
Nikon D40: 35mm, F/4.8, 1/4000 sec.

Heart's desire

2008-07-27T15:38:00.010-04:00

In the past little while, I've had a few friends who've been voicing the same thing: they want to find somebody. It's usually the case that they don't want to get married right now, they just want to find somebody who is a possible mate.

All I have to say to everyone who IS in love, who are piecing themselves together from the effects of love, who are looking for love and who are not ready for love is this: savor the moment.

Each of this stage can be exhausting and can drain out whatever pieces of good emotion you have left, but I believe there are a lot of things to learn from each stage, and plenty of hobbies you can pick up along the way.

Source: Mark's kitchen table
Nikon D40: 38mm, F/4.8, 1/60 sec., ISO 1600

I penned this after seeing a friend-couple I met up with last night. Seeing them was sort of the peak that helped me finish, because I was initially inspired to write this after talking to many friends who have been searching for love.

This is a first draft, so I haven't done any editions to it whatsoever.

TO LEAD, TO DANCE, TO FUSS OVER by Allaboutjq
© Copyright protected

I want to move your heart,
take the mountains off your shoulders,
I want to make you believe,
not just in you and me,
but to lead.

Let me take your hand,
lead you to the marching band,
away from the world's sorrows,
to our land of sparrows,
dance with me.

Lend me your valor,
so I can toss your battle,
let the candid spirit shine,
of a heart's desire,
that fusses over love.

2008-07-27T11:14:00.002-04:00

Source: Outside my window
Nikon D40: 35 mm, F/16, 1/30 sec.

Colbie Caillat - Older

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go, life goes on
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out
So they say
Over my shoulder, it's tough getting older

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Here before my eyes, many roads ahead
Time for me to choose one way now
If I take a chance
What lies down the road
Feeling so confused, turned round
On and on, on and on

Want vs. Need

2008-07-26T09:58:00.009-04:00

I had a dream of a friend who was driving me around town in his hot looking car, and in that ride, we saw two people who had DSLRs with the extravagant lenses. My friend was annoyed because the photographers were in his way (repeatedly), but I was admiring them. In the dream, they would get down and gritty, just to capture a good picture.

This dream inspired me to get out of bed.

Source: Jenn's backyard, oriental lily
Nikon D40: 40mm, F/5.6, 1/125 sec., ISO-220

While taking pictures, I was looking at some of the bulbs, and some of the flowers that had bloomed for awhile and was in the drying/dying stage, and I had an epiphany: I expect flowers to be beautiful, at whatever stage of life it is in. But this is not possible because it has its moments of beauty and dryness or himono-ness haha.

We all expect the people in our life to be something, to provide some sort of comfort or support that we don't have in ourselves. And when that goes away or the support does not seem so necessary, we discard them and we neglect and abuse them till they become really frail. Then, we hold onto these frail beings for sentimental values to ease our conscience. And we wait till they go through the same thing as we did.

I keep thinking this is how change endures, that the cycle is just repetitive, from one person to another. It's a stage we all go through, to go from the good to bad, or bad to good, to find a zone we're comfortable in. Some of us will be open about the process, but some will just have a petal up to shun the world. The rest of the world may not understand or tolerate, even if they have been through the same thing.

Source: Jenn's backyard, full-bloom rose
Nikon D40: 55 mm, F/5.6, 1/125 sec., ISO-200

How I feel about GO

2008-07-24T18:21:00.005-04:00

My attitude towards the GO train has been slowly warming up over the years because TTC was never quite on time, was always falling apart, and always crowded. Replacing my usual transit with GO would mean I have to walk 15 minutes to and from home. Plus, a lot of my friends were telling me to consider it.

Today, my attitude towards the GO train is an ideal one: walking would mean good exercise on my legs, taking the GO would save me 45 minutes, I can rest for 40 minutes (my ride time) with no interruptions or interchanging train to bus.

Maybe a month from now, I will feel that taking GO train is a hot option: My legs will look hotter (yes, you can join in the laugh), I'll see hotter people, and I'll save so much time from traveling that I can spend on working on my books instead.

Source: Jenn's family BBQ machine
NikonD40: 55mm, F/10, 1/400 sec., ISO200

Bidding on ourselves

2008-07-22T21:50:00.003-04:00

(Going to start a little bit of picture with a little food for thought)

How many moons have passed on us? Have you given us any thought? Has the time we worshiped well finished its bidding on the battle of our heart vs. our head?

Source: Mark's kitchen chandelier

Nikon D40: 55m, F/5.6, 1/800 sec., ISO-1600

Transit romance

2008-07-21T21:06:00.002-04:00

If you take the transit often, you're bound to sit with someone who leans towards you when they sleep. This is usually very annoying.

I was amusing myself with my imagination today and came up with a fabulous idea: Next time you see someone really cute on the bus, sit beside him/her and then "fall asleep". Then in your drunken "sleep", lean into him/her, then "hit/knock" them and "accidentally" pour your coffee or water onto them. Then you "wake up" and apologize profusely. And you then offer to pay for their dry cleaning and perhaps a coffee. Get their phone number while you're at it.

Way past forward

2008-07-20T19:12:00.008-04:00

"It is not about possession and limits. It is about giving everything until there's nothing left to give, and then searching and scraping until you find a little bit more." Harvesting the Heart, Jodi Picoult

"The first time is for forgiving. The second time is for forgetting. And the third time is for beginning all over again." Harvesting the Heart, Jodi Picoult

"I cannot forget. I cannot make the same mistake twice. I cannot live this way. I cannot take the blame for everything. I cannot give up." Harvesting the Heart, Jodi Picoult

I haven't been able to scrap a particular image of you out of my head since that e-mail.

I haven't been able to forget the contours lines of your face that one night when you fell asleep. I followed my gaze to my fingers. They trailed along your brow bone, your cheek bones, finally settling on the marked lines of your lips. Suddenly, you jolted awake from your bad dream and held me so tightly till I couldn't breathe to the usual rhythm. You were scared and vulnerable. I did the only thing I knew what to do at that moment: I returned your hold on me and waited till you were conscious enough to tell me what you dreamed about. After verbalizing your dream into words, you told me to never leave you, to never hurt you, to never run away.

I did neither of them as I promised. But you did. You know damn well now that I did it: living without you, living happily and finding a solid part of my identity, that I picked up all the leftover pieces and got back up again. A lot of the memories have faded but I haven't forgotten the lesson you taught me so well. I don't know if I loved you the most but I loved you well, and I know you know that in the bottom of your beaten heart. I'm beat from even wanting to know why, why I want a closure between us. Because what's the use?

I know you're reading this and though I'm not surprised you found me, I prefer a clear and distinct line between our paths. I refuse to let you step into my world again and rattle my center. Ever. Do not bother me with your e-mails, because words, any words out of you are pretentious now and no longer have any hold on sincerity.

Forgiveness

2008-07-19T01:31:00.005-04:00

I can't forgive if you haven't been sincere in doing right by me, after doing wrong by me. If I was put into the same situation as somebody else, I can't forgive others if I know I can't forgive myself. Other than that, I can look past it all.

I thought it was rather amusing that I was sitting in a table with 3 different people, who's gotten to know and see me on a different level with each other, that one thinks I'm very forgiving, the second one thinks I'm not forgiving at all, and the third thinks I'm forgiving, depending on the situation. All I have to say to that is that I treat them all differently, so they only got to see and understand a side of me that others perhaps have not.

Generally speaking, it's kinda hard to forgive someone who's done quite a number on you, as opposed to a lighter situation. The question really is not whether I'm a forgiving person or not, it's how willing am I to give the other person a second chance, given the severity of the situation? To answer that one, I don't think I'm as able to give second chances to people anymore. The older I get, the less bullshit I am able to tolerate. I'd much rather cut my ties with people (no matter how close I am with them) than take in any more of this unnecessary stress/drama/negativity for my own well-being.

You really can't take any more than you can give. And vice versa.

Reading

2008-07-16T23:36:00.003-04:00

I'm currently reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, for an hour before I sleep every night, and when I get up on weekend mornings.

Reading my course materials after work for a couple hours...uh, trying to, anyway haha

Jodi Picoult's Harvesting the Heart on my commute.

I absolutely love Jodi Picoult. Ever since I've read her My Sister's Keeper, I've been fishing for all kinds of Jodi Picoult's books. Haha, maybe I'll start up a Jodi Picoult collection for myself. She's probably the only author to get me all teared up on the bus/subway. The way she pieces thoughts together, it steals my concentration away.

Marvelous! *with a British accent*

Flight of stairs - eeeep!

2008-04-12T06:09:00.004-04:00

I was studying at my desk in the office, with lots of interruptions from my co-workers. Ruby came over to my desk to show me her dog, which was a mix breed of a mini and a frog. I love dogs and want one someday, but let me tell you, I have never been more disgusted by a dog. I'm shivering just at the thought of it. It looked like a monster and had the hardest time breathing. At some point, Julien came over and purposely put his banana peel in my pot of plant instead of throwing it away. This made everyone around us laugh.

I checked the time and realized it was 12 PM. I called Ems on my cell, but it got forwarded to her work place. Some women picked up and said she's out for the afternoon. As I was packing my books, I realized I didn't bring the Oliver's mock-up exams and was cursing at myself for forgetting something so important. I headed towards the elevator (which was newly renovated and was so huge) and Ems called me on my cell. She told me she was at Woodbury Street, and didn't have any money/tokens on her. I asked her what's around Woodbury St. but she couldn't describe it to me, and she couldn't get back to St. Andrew Station.

As I walked around on the street, I suddenly got lost and was heading towards some stairs which some strangers pointed out was the direction of Woodbury Street. Every stranger that I asked for the direction before said "Head in the West direction, go to these stairs and there should be an exit that allows you to go out West." So I was stuck in a strange stairwell, walking up and down, actually more like jumping flights of stairs like Spiderman, and I couldn't find this "West" exit. When walking/jumping these stairs, I encountered two very fierce looking dogs, dark looking apartments (very dark, spooky kind), a man who was bound in a wheelchair and was trying to go up the stairs and trying to sell me the GPS system on his very tiny phone. It was getting dark outside and I walked/jumped these stairs profusely.

In the end, I still couldn't meet up with Ems and was way past my 2 PM mark, which was my exam time.

I wake up, thanking God that it was just a bad dream, and got up to write this dream down.

Un-Happy Birthday

2008-03-07T15:12:00.002-05:00

It was the day of my birthday and I wanted to go shopping for something new to wear that night. There was a Wal-Mart near by, and I suggested to Mark that we go there and look for something. We spent a good portion of the day in there and towards late afternoon, we received some phone calls from others who were to join us that night at the restaurant. We told them that we were at the Wal-Mart, which was situated right across the street from the restaurant. Most of them exclaimed, "Okay, we'll meet you at Wal-Mart and then walk together to the restaurant."

But between meeting them and shopping, I went home to get ready while Mark waited for them at Wal-Mart. When I went to the restaurant, no one was in sight. I was sitting in a big table by myself. I called Mark and he said they were still at Wal-Mart. I sat at the restaurant for nearly two hours by myself before I gave up and went home.

Around 10 PM when I reached home, Mark called to see where I was, and I told him I went home because no one went to the restaurant and I waited for two hours. He said, "Oh okay, we'll celebrate another day la."

Haha, that's the dream I had, my idea of a childish dream. Don't ask me how I remember my dreams so well, cuz I have no clue.

Double the dosage

2008-03-03T23:26:00.004-05:00

I was working at the restaurant (the old one haha) when I got a call on my cell. I looked at the number on my call display, and recognized it immediately. I had deleted the name on my contact list but I'd recognize that number anywhere. I picked up and with an agitated voice, replied, "Yes?"

He-who-shall-not-be-named said, "Hi, I just called to talk."

"And what exactly is there to talk about?"

"I wanted to say I'm sorry. Can we go out sometime?"

"I don't think that would be a good idea...."

"Well, I wanted to invite you to the family BBQ, they've been wanting to see you."

"What the hell for? They helped play a role in all that mess.."

"That's why they want to make it up to you..."

"I'll think about it." *I proceed to hang up on him*

In the next section of my dream, I was hanging out by the pool with he-who-shall-not-be-named when out of nowhere, I was pushed into the swimming pool. As I was fighting against the person, I remembered Alan witnessing it and not doing anything. In the water, I was trying to get back up to the surface but I couldn't. Someone was holding me down. It was he-who-shall-not-be-named's youngest uncle. Somehow I held my breath together and was able to live through the ordeal. So when the uncle pulled me to the surface to check for my breathing, I tried my hardest to pretend I wasn't breathing. But he checked for my pulse anyway and seeing that I was still barely alive, held my head into the water, this time a lot longer and with a lot more force. I couldn't fight anymore. After awhile, I was seeing myself as a ghost and realized that I had died, during the second struggle.

I slowly woke up from the dream, only to realize I was sleeping as if I was a dead body, with my right hand placed on top of my left hand on my stomach.

My Best Friend's wedding

2008-02-29T13:14:00.005-05:00

Emily's big day was coming up, so we were all having a party the night before. She was a busy bee, running about greeting her guests and making sure everything was organized. I was sitting with some of her friends, faces that I couldn't recognize nor pinpoint how I knew them.

I was looking around for some familiar faces when I saw Ben arriving at the door. I waved at him, and mouthed a 'hi'. Soon after, I saw Andy coming in as well. I excused myself with Emily's friends and went to sit with Ben and Andy. Harris and his girlfriend, Angela(?), decided to join us. Our conversations circled around how long we've known Ems, our fondest memory of her and how happy we were that she had found her true love at long last. Towards the end of the night, Harris was telling me about some scandalous girl while his girlfriend went dancing with her friends.

The next scene of my dream was the morning of the wedding and the ceremony wasn't going to start till the afternoon. Ems went shopping with Mark and Herman for some last minute stuff. I was taking the DSLR (also known as "Shane") and taking pictures of my surroundings. Eric showed up and said, "Okay, my turn.." Somehow, he had split the cost of "Shane" with me and was getting his share of spending some alone with "Shane".

Here I was, left with nothing to do, and so, I decided to take a walk. After awhile, I saw Harris sitting in a dark garage all by himself so I lent him my IPod Touch, and continued walking. Along the way, I saw Ben walking from afar. I waved a quick hello, and he was walking towards me but suddenly, got distracted with a group of singers who were performing. The next thing I knew, he was performing with them.

Then the alarm clock jolted me awake, and I thought, "Dammit, I didn't get to see her in a wedding dress...."

So Fucking Amusing

2008-02-06T21:04:00.000-05:00

Riding the bus during the winter storm was really fun. Not only was it packed, but I was standing on the tip of the stairs, barely hanging on and there was no one hot to look at. This was on Steeles Avenue, which was jam packed because so many cars were stuck on the road. People should really invest in winter tires!

Anyway in the bus, it was really stuffy and a girl opened one of the windows (even though it was snowing wildly) for some breathing air. A guy who was sitting comfortably got up and closed the window. This went on for quite a bit, as if they're playing tag. Finally, the following ensued on one end of the bus:

Guy - Snow's falling on my head.
Girl - Oh WOW! Snow on your head! You're sitting here comfortably and we're stuffed here.
Guy - I have the right! I got in first.
Girl - Stop being selfish!
Guy #2 - yea!
Girl - *to Guy* Shut the fuck up!

The following happened on my end of the bus: A woman received a call from her husband who was waiting for her to eat dinner together. She was frustrated and probably felt bad that her husband had to starve along with her, said, "Just eat first! Go ahead and order!" The husband probably insisted on waiting and she was so mad that she said so loudly, "Just order without me and save me some food!!!"

Meanwhile, me and this Sikh guy was smiling cuz we found her amusing. I mean it's really sweet that her husband kept calling during that hour and a half ride, and was insisting on waiting for her; she, on the other hand, was so frustrated and yelled back at him. I thought it was really funny and heartwarming.

While on the bus, Cath called me and we found out we were stuck on the same road, but she was at Bayview, while I was just passing Leslie. She was going to try and catch up to my bus, and then I hop onto her car. Alas, it didn't work out cuz her car ended up being stuck on the road! With smoke coming out of her wheels! (Thank you for the thought, that was sweet of you!)

---- Before I left work, I told Julien that I'm going to dash home and hopefully get home on time. So, he asked me about how long my commute times are in the morning and afternoon. I told him on a bad morning, nearly 2 hours, on a good day, 1.5 hour. So, he said if I want, I can come in early and leave early. That is, instead of coming in for 8:30 to 5, I can come in for 8 and leave at 4:30. And he went on offering me the option of leaving early whenever I want, that it would be okay with him cuz I work hard anyway. He also went on about how he wouldn't want my personal time to be cut short because of the commute. Anyway, I thought that was really sweet and considerate of him. (That's basically what I wanted to say, Mark)

Romantic

2008-02-02T01:06:00.000-05:00

I know it's a horrible weather to drive and what not, but I think it is absolutely beautiful out in Toronto tonight. I love it when it snows hard and it's relatively warm outside.

The beautiful sight makes me want to fall in love and have a tender lingering kiss with my-future-perfect-guy, to forget all the dramatic flare-ups that come with broken hearts.

Shoveling snow with my sisters was fun! Making fun of people whose cars were stuck in the snow was even more fun! (We live right on the corner of two perpendicular streets so we see a lot of cars getting stuck)

Listening to my IPod Touch makes me want to sing and dance; whether it be on the bus or subway, on the walk home or at home.

WoW

2008-01-20T23:58:00.001-05:00

(I'm writing off the top of my head right now, not doing any editing cuz I have a headache from all the excitement....)

I first heard about World of War through Leo J, and I knew lots of guys played it. I suspect Fiona played it too. I was never into any games (besides board games) for many reasons: one, I'm not good at it; two, I don't have time for it especially when I was working at the restaurant and in school; three, I just didn't have the habit.

My main reason of getting into games this year was because I needed to change, needed to improve. I guess my close friends can attest that I've changed a lot this year, and trying something "new" like playing video games or PC games was a challenge that I needed to overcome, to prove to myself that I'm good at something, some game etc.

Besides Yahoo Towers, I was hooked onto Pokemon Blue (DS version) for awhile but when I finished all my levels, I didn't really find another game that truly appealed to me. I tried Company of Heroes for a bit and although it's a good game, it's really very different. The graphics are more testosterone-influenced (if that makes sense), and the strategy involved is quite different (that is to say, it's difficult) haha.

Out of curiosity and cuz it's readily available, I tried World of War. I don't know which version it is, but I love the game!! The graphics are gentle enough that I can understand where I am, everything is easy to navigate, and there are quite a bit of cool words in it.

The problem with me and games or me with anything is that I get easily addicted to things that appeal to me. Not healthy addictions either. As of right now, my thoughts are kind of scrambled because I'm trying to think of a way to fit in WoW to my schedule. My routine week schedule would be to work, then come home and read/chores/see friends until it's time to sleep. My weekend schedule consists of sleeping in and seeing my friends with very little studying. Now that I somehow sneaked WoW into my life, I want to throw away the reading, leave my studying behind, not go out and play WoW....

Little things like this makes me look forward to life. It will slowly alienate me from things that truly matter in my life haha unless I find a way to really control myself.

Anyways, this is such a shabby entry....sorry! (But I at least updated my blog, Ems and Herm!!)

Year 2008 Resolutions

2008-01-17T22:22:00.000-05:00

There is no finite number to this list, I'm just listing my goals really.

Finish my CSC, and enroll for CPH.
Learn more about my family and friends, their interests, etc.
Improve myself, who I am as a person and work on my career goals.
Play more sports, namely commit to badminton every Sunday and jogging during spring and summer.
Work on my stories, namely finish my "Vying for one man" and "Falling for an Angel"
Take up photography and get a digital SLR. I need a second creativity outlet because writing is not enough sometimes
Do more research on cars and/or condominiums. Maybe get a car.
Make plans for traveling
Play the piano and maybe invest in a clarinet and relearn it.

So close..yet so far

2008-01-15T00:47:00.001-05:00

I have a lot of things I'd like to talk about but I just have a hard time writing them out these days. They all have to do with my inner struggles, my constant need to improve myself or change myself. So the title which Ems, Mark, and Herm helped me thought of during dinner is suiting.

One winter day, before I went to New York, I remembered feeling a lot of insecurities and I talked them out with Mark, hoping he could shed another light or perspective on them, like he so often does. Out of that hour long conversation, one of the things I remembered was him asking, "Why are you thinking short term, you've always been thinking long term."

That's the thing, precisely what threw me off at my life game. I have been working and planning towards long term goals for the longest time that I failed to see anything that's in front of me. After some lessons last year, I realized all my long term goals were thrown off the map, so to say. I no longer really know what I want out of life, out of my friendships and relationships with people, and going in without expectations is a very scary thing for me to thread. Some days, it feels good to not expect anything; some days, I feel like living without expectations feels so bland and empty.

Sorry, this is a bad entry after not writing for so long, but I needed to write down my thoughts. I can't hold onto them for too long. I've been thinking about them since Cuba haha.

Bitchin'

2007-10-30T22:39:00.000-04:00

So I'm going to snitch
about a total bitch,
who harnesses the hitch,
to build a ditch.

What a witch,
Filled with quitch.
Ya know what she pitch?
A pail of glitch.

Haha, I thought of the first two lines on the subway because I couldn't sleep and I was starting to resent people and their obscurity. Besides, I was listening to several of Jay Chow's albums which inspired me to pencil in my own thoughts. Came home and just had to finish it so I can possibly find the humor in all of this.

Inability

2007-10-28T03:35:00.001-04:00

I love driving really late at night sometimes. It's really calm, soothing and beautiful. When I parked the car on the driveway at home, I looked up the clear night sky and saw all these stars. It was breathtaking.

Sadly, the stars reminded of everything that one night. That one night when what I believed for three years of my life, was replaced with disappointment and betrayal. I remember thinking how history repeated itself, how I had an intuition of what was to come and I trusted my feelings but I still didn't want to sever ties right away. I remember getting out of the car because I was overwhelmed with anger, and I ran out onto the street. There was a moment in that anger when I looked up at the night sky and thought, what a beautiful night it was, and what a dichotomy my heart was in.

It's really odd that most of the time, this scene doesn't usually replay in my head but seeing stars tonight really sparked those thoughts again.

Post cards

2007-10-26T00:05:00.001-04:00

I absolutely love post cards! When Matt sent me a post card from England, I was so surprised because I didn't ask for one from him. When Eugene sent me a post card from Hong Kong, it put a smile on my face for two days! When Julien sent me a post card from Galapagos, I was honored. When Mark sent me a post card from HK, I was ecstatic even though he was forced to, in place of a souvenir haha.

I love letters. Something about a person's hand writing just makes me feel irritably good.

Maze

2007-10-03T00:22:00.000-04:00

This year, I pondered on something that I otherwise conveniently ignore: destiny and God. It's really not a secret that I'm a really non-religious person so I suppose you'd think this little entry is a bit out of place.

Anyway, carrying on: I keep thinking that maybe God really does have a set design for me. The realistic side of me would argue, "No, you idiot. You reap what you sow." But then if I reap what I sow, then I'd turn out to have a very messy life. Obviously this is not true since I think I live a very ideal life.

If a certain childhood incident didn't happen, then I wouldn't learn how to be compassionate. If my parents didn't have the restaurant, then I wouldn't learn how to socialize with people from different walks of life. If my academic career wasn't nearly put on hold, I wouldn't have learned the joy of learning. If I didn't blindly learn to love Gavin, I wouldn't have learned how to properly love Ly. And if Ly didn't leave in a bad style, I wouldn't have learned just how much the value of family and friendship were. And if I didn't learn the value of family and friendships, then I wouldn't have realized just how much a miracle God had granted me.

And if I didn't read some stranger's words tonight, I wouldn't have realized just how all of this (nonsensical words, you may say) rings so true. So maybe, just maybe, all this walking and running in my life, is all a part of God's plan for me to achieve something. Though if you ask me, I think I have achieved quite a bit immaterially; I mean how else could I be so happy with life right now?

Blah-bergasted

2007-08-29T23:28:00.000-04:00

You know how some days you write for the sake of writing and not because you want to write? I've been feeling like that lately. I feel blah, which is why I don't really get into a chatty mood and ultimately, it affects my writing.

Between the conversation last night with one friend and another conversation today with another friend, I feel like they're feeling a lot of the stuff I used to feel. So, in a way, I'm walking through those feelings again while listening to them. Can't really help it.

In a nutshell, this is what I feel every day, at random moments of the day: sad, annoyed, happy, motivated, strong, angry and grateful.

I think most of you know that I'm not a big fan of furry toys, but I do like the feel of a dog's fur haha. Anyway, I really want a dog - preferably a German Shepherd or a Golden Retriever. I want it so badly. This want is ever growing.

I saw the eclipse the other night from my sister's room. It reminded me of the time when me, Lau and Gene went to Aurora to look at stars. I miss them. I miss their physical presence, especially when we all huddle in a car and talk till 5 AM.

I have to say goodbye to August before I start studying for my designation exam in September.

Lousy update

2007-08-14T22:22:00.000-04:00

Allo everyone,

I apologize for not updating this blog quite as often as I used to. [Or calling you three in HK/Taiwan] Read on and you'll see why, though I have to warn you, this entry will be scattered because my thoughts are haha :P

Thank you to some of you for your e-mails. I am doing good. Much better anyway.

Things have been rough and calm all at the same time. I think my best friend said it best: "...you're dealing with past wounds again..." That's exactly what it is: past wounds. Forgiveness is not in my character, but neither is running away, at least I don't think so haha. The context of these past wounds mainly circle around friendships and personal shortcomings. Just the stuff I've been dealing with for the past few years, ya know?

By day, I am energetic/perky because my job requires me to be very busy and tense. Then I crash on the train on my way home. By the time I finish my dinner, you can usually catch me either reading, watching "So you think you can dance", writing senseless poetry and thoughts, drawing, listening to the Delilah radio show or dancing (uh, exercising) in the little corner of my room haha. Usually after reading a book, I end up being very emotional. Can't help it. Some of the books are written so well. I've neglected a lot of the things I'm supposed to do, but I get caught up with my books that I can't quite part with them. Just in the last month, I've already read 6 books. My boss, Julien, even gave me a book for a present! And hopefully, the next 9 books will arrive by next week. Ha, this explains why I'm hardly on MSN. Or I would leave it on but step away.

This summer's been very good to me. I've been seeing the same set of friends every weekend and lunches for the past 3 months. I've been spending way too many lunches in some of the restaurants on Queen Street with Valerie. Some of the things we've been doing on the weekends are touring around Toronto's cultural neighborhoods and parks, The Taste of Danforth, karaoke, shopping, Luminato, ROM, Taste of Asia, picnic, tons (I mean tons!) of movies, BBQs, beach and lots of mahjong, poker gathering etc. I'm itching to go fishing again. Think I'm going to give ice fishing a try! I've pretty much made up my mind to go to Vancouver in October for a week by myself. Hong Kong will have to be next year. Hopefully, I'll fit in Australia too. I regret not taking a proper vacation before I started full time, which was two months ago. I need a day to just relax my mind, which is quite hard for me! Someone once tried teaching me meditation so I can learn to relax, but I end up laughing at my thought patterns. [I can already hear Mark holding a stifled laugh and saying "crazy Jenn" here.]

I think the best part of this summer was having dinner with my 3 siblings in downtown and shopping together. And the family celebratory BBQs in the backyard. The most scary part was what happened couple weeks back. But alas, everything is okay now. Thank God! Other than that, I can see my parents really aging too, which is a very emotional thing for me because

The house has been busy too! During the beginning of the year, all 3 bathrooms were renovated, along with the porch, and installed a new air conditioner. Now, we have the driveway paved, front entrance interlocked, painted the basement. Not only has it been busy but it's been receiving some gifts, some of which are still coming!

I think that's all the update I can think of. Hope you are all well too. By the way, I love personal letters/e-mails, so you can keep them coming :) Oh and I love the postcard! You can keep 'em coming too! haha.

And now, back to reading some documents and researching. Ugh! I've been pulling some very late nights for the last three days and then going to work whole day! Oh, and I've been giving up on my coffee habit too on account of my headaches. Say hello to your new chrysanthemum tea lover! :)

All the best.

Cheers,
JQ

Fleeting Emotions

2007-07-24T22:07:00.000-04:00

A PAIR OF FLEETING WINGS

Longing for the pair of wings
Away from the indescribable sorrow
A painless freedom
To be swept away with one just swift.

The unawakened times
compounded with chances
never taken just as it walks by
Blind to me just as I find.

Limited Boundaries known to me
The hole that swallowed me
wanting to escape before I step an extra mile deep
A pair of wings to flee with me.

--- I've been clearing up my e-mail inbox for two nights in a row now and still nowhere done. I found a lot of junk, a lot of unfinished/canceled plans and a lot of jokes. Among the pile, I found some of my most precious treasures: letters from friends and lovers, be it from words of encouragement and love, their traveling euphoria, or their personal struggles.

I read over and over every single word they wrote, cried/laughed and read it all over till I was blue in the face. I tried to decipher their pattern of thinking, catch what they were portraying and understand their vulnerable moments. Because that's what happens when you write to someone, you not only put your emotions on the line, but you put them into words; words that bear witness to what you feel or once felt. I think words are fruitful to our emotions.

Some of the most beautiful letters are not that it contains distinct vocabulary, but how well their thoughts and emotions are captured in their choice of words. I envy them for writing so beautifully and daring to expose themselves. So I commend to you for writing to me, for trusting me with your words, for sharing a speck of your world with me.

Thank you. May you live on and mark your hearts into words.

Ice Cream

2007-07-22T18:38:00.000-04:00

I hate hearing the ice cream truck! Because every time I look out the window to see where it is, it's nowhere in sight!!! Then I get tempted.

Vying for one man - Ch. 1

2007-06-15T22:30:00.000-04:00

Ch. 1 – Surprise up their sleeve

“Jake, somebody mailed you a letter, son! Come down and get it. I have to go soon.” Tess shouted out and began to get ready for her dance lessons.

As Jake came down the stairs, he thought to himself, Wow! Somebody sent me a letter! And it’s not even bills either. Who could it be?

He picked up the letter from the bench by the front door and checked the back of the envelope. Hmm, this is weird. Why would Lynn send me a letter? She can just call me. With much enthusiasm, he pried the envelope with his bare hands.

Dear Jake,

I didn’t know how to tell you this because I’m sure we didn’t expect this from our get together a month ago. I am pregnant. I have taken up every pregnancy test from the drugstore counters, and even went to the doctor two days ago. They all say one thing: I’m pregnant. I can’t fathom how this could have happened even though we used protection that night we shared. I don’t know how to deal with this: should I go ahead and have the child and be a single mother or have an abortion and continue on with my life? Do you think we can talk about this together and soon?

Yours truly,

Lynn

He couldn’t stand still after reading that letter and had to hold onto the stair railings to steady his balance. This is so messed up. How could this have happened? What do I do? It was supposed to be casual. How can this be? What do I tell her? I need to sit down.

Paul was going to his room upstairs when he saw the color drained from his brother’s face. “What’s wrong? Something happened?”

Jake replied, “Oh, it’s nothing. Just surprised a friend sent me a handwritten letter.”

That night, Jake thought of calling Lynn, who he had been friends with since high school. He thought of that night when they went to a bar together because they were both feeling down from the routine lifestyle and not meeting anybody they could connect with. Tired of being cancelled by their other friends, they decided to go together. Maybe it was the alcohol in their system, maybe it was the tiresome loneliness, but the laughs soon turned to small kisses and then escalated to their passionate rhythmic humping in his room. He thought of how their strong friendship had led them to confide in each other their problems and the ensuing drama in their own lives over the years. But a baby between them now? His baby growing inside her? He thought of the changes this baby is going to bring to both their lives. Maybe she will decide to have an abortion instead, he thought to himself.

The next morning, Jake pressed the numbers to her mobile, cautiously and ever so slowly, as if each number that was dialed would spark a bomb to detonate. While waiting for her to pick up the phone, he thought about giving up and just ignore her letter.

“Hello?” Lynn picked up on the third ring.

“Uh hi. It’s Jake.”

“I know.”

Oh right. Call display. “Um, I got your letter that you mailed to my house. How are you feeling?”

“Nauseous and dizzy at random times during the day.”

She does sound really tired, he thought. “Are you strong enough to talk on the phone? I can come over if you want.”

“Could you? It’s probably better to talk in person.”

“Yeah, I’ll be over in 15 minutes.”

He put on his brown T-shirt and the dark faded jeans and proceeded to drive over to her house, which was just 3 blocks away. He had contemplated about walking to her house, so he can think of what to say along the way. But with the heat and the smog that was present in Toronto for the last few days, he decided to drive and escape the humidity.

He rang her doorbell, wishing to drive back home. But before he could, Michelle opened the front door, with Rudy greeting Jake with a bark.

“Hi Jake.” Lynn’s mom, Michelle, greeted with a smile.

“Hi Auntie. Sorry to bother you, but I’m just looking for Lynn.”

Sensing the weariness in his voice, she wanted to ask him how he was doing but thought better to leave him be. Instead, she said, “Oh she’s up in her room. She’s been awfully sick lately. I’m sure seeing a friend will brighten her up.”

Yeah, sick because of me. “Okay, thanks Auntie.”

He went up the stairs to her room as he had often gone to talk and play the new video games they discovered. He opened the door and found her sitting on her computer chair, her eyes shut, and her face looked pale.

“Hi.”

“Jake! Hey, I didn’t hear you ring the doorbell.”

“Yeah, your mom let me in. Are you okay? You don’t look too good.”

“Yeah. I haven’t been eating or sleeping well. I’m not sure if it’s the stress on the body or the stress on my mind.”

“So, what should we do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you think we should tell our parents or hide it from them?”

What??!! How can I possibly hide my stomach and the baby?! “Um, they’re going to find out eventually when I start showing and I hardly have any bulky clothes.”

“Oh!” Jake didn’t quite know what to say. Or do, for that matter. “Maybe we should tell our parents what happened then. But no matter what, I will support whatever decision you decide to make.”

“I don’t know if I can go through with the abortion. It’s too cruel. I don’t think I can go through killing somebody that’s growing inside me.” Lynn could feel her eyes starting to well up.

“Then we’ll have this baby.”

“Yeah.” Lynn replied back but not sure if it was what she really wanted.

“Maybe we should talk to our parents about this.” Jake said, sounding equally unsure of what was coming out of his mouth.

“I’m scared of what they’re going to say and what they’ll think.”

“Me too. But I just want you to know I’m going to be responsible. I won’t leave you to handle this alone. So you can trust me and count on me, okay?”

She couldn’t hold her tears anymore and let them roll down her cheeks. He held her and they talked some more about what the baby would mean for them, how it would affect their lives and the responsibilities that were in store for them. He watched her cry herself to sleep and then let himself out of her house. It will be a very long road, he thought to himself.

Stress and Aging

2007-06-03T10:39:00.000-04:00

Unlike most of my friends, I have never ever had a strand of white hair. It's almost like I'm uncool, not stressed enough or not old enough. Not to mention that people say I have the blackest hair they've ever seen, and they say I shouldn't color it because my color is nice.

So here I am, reluctantly wanting a hair color change, badly wanting a small tattoo either on the back of my waist line or on my left shoulder and very smitten with somebody.

Crushes are fun, until it gets really strong and then I have to do something about it; which means I'm doomed for rejection haha.

All up to this moment

2007-05-29T22:38:00.001-04:00

So I'm going to do it. I'm going to sever the absolute last knot that ever tied us together. I've realized that sometimes things happen in life for a reason. Some of life's lessons can shake us up so much that we remember it more, and should the chance come up again, we'll realize that we can't make the same mistakes.

All my adversities have been worth it. Every single drop of tear, every single piece of the heart that shattered, and every grinding of the sweat have all been worth it. Because in a few days, I will be graduating. It's not much to some people but it means a lot to me because there were a lot of things in my life that I had to face while working for this degree. I'm sure a few others had to go through this stage as well.

Once upon a time, getting this degree was as much of your dream as it was mine. Because it meant us starting a new journey together, going on that cruise as a graduation present, going to HK and Australia together, and all the things we had compromised to suffice the meaning of us.

Now that this "dream" does not hold true anymore, I can do all the things I would have otherwise done: be there for family and friends, help them in any way possible, and do something for myself and myself only. Like dancing, like being given a chance to be completely independent and buying a place by myself, like being silly without being asked to act properly etc.

Now I can truly start. Monetarily broke but very happy.

Pre-Montreal

2007-05-18T23:51:00.000-04:00

Ha, I have a couple hours to go before I go on this road trip to Montreal. As fun as it sounds, I can't help but feel a bit down. I just feel like this was a very tumultuous year, many ups and many downs, all pooled in together. I heard a love story today. I'm very happy that she's found it. I'm sure it's been a very long and hard journey for her and I hope she's found that dream she's wanted.
A part of me wants to be saved but the other part of me knows it's up to me. Not just romantically, but career wise. I honestly feel so numb and disappointed at the same time, in myself mostly. I hate giving up a part of who I am as a person and mould to all the stereotypes I should be. I'm really stubborn that way.

And now the one person I can share everything and be completely open to is going on a very long vacation. So that means he won't be as readily available, by phone or in person. I'm going to miss my best friend.

Every cloud has a silver lining

2007-05-15T23:32:00.000-04:00

I had my moment of silver lining yesterday, when I was on my way to a baseball game. I've been really happy for the past few days, on account of having great family and meaningful friendships; but yesterday's phone call topped it for me. I was superbly happy that I was about to hug anyone at the Union Station, and skip the rest of the way to Rogers Centre. It's a good thing my friend Mark was there to share the whole thing.

I'm one of those people who don't like to contain her emotions, I tend to express them because I find it stifling to not let it out. Anyway, it sucks that I care about how I present myself in a community full of strangers, and in my business-casual outfit nonetheless; otherwise I would have been a great hopper haha, with a huge grin on my face.

On an unrelated note, I am going to finally see a good friend of mine, who's back from her vacation. I haven't seen her since her engagement party, so there's a lot of catching up between the two of us. And she's going to cook for me haha. I'm not sure about other people but I love it when people cook for me, or cook with me. There's a lot of fun and teamwork that's involved with preparing a meal together. It's also really romantic, when a guy cooks for me. Even better if a guy learns to cook FOR me. (Now venturing into day-dreaming land haha)

Mysterical "Forever"

2007-04-28T11:41:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure about other people but I, for one, had really thought "forever and ever" exists, rare but exists nonetheless. I'm not saying the non-existence of "Forever" out of experience, or being cynical etc., because most of you know I'm really not the cynical type. In fact, I'm a complete hopeless romantic. Anyway....

Most people like to make vows and promises during the relationship, or before it starts but almost never get to keep it. Why do people get caught up in the moment and make all these promises when they themselves are not even entirely sure they will carry it through?

In the little corner of my world, "forever" doesn't really exist. I've seen too many great relationships break off, many marriages faulted because of adultery or lies. Why do we keep hoping "forever" happens to us? Why do *I* keep hoping it exists when I'm almost positive it doesn't? Why do I think I'm an exception to this rarity? (See the hopeless romantic thoughts? haha)

This is really why I had my 13-year plan. It's not realistic but the principle behind it is.

TTC

2007-04-24T09:27:00.000-04:00

I found myself yesterday morning in an unfortunate situation. Before leaving home, I had not heard about the TTC accident so when I heard that we had to take shuttle buses from York Mills to Eglinton station, I thought yikes! I didn't really have a problem with being late etc. Cuz I thought "yay! anything to avoid taxes and accountants". BUT almost 90% of these adults panicked. Some of them went up to cars and ask for rides. Some of the drivers were really nice to offer people rides but of course what do the TTC passengers do? They push and shove until they're in the car. Almost all these people blocked the roads, preventing anyone from driving. People were just acting like savages. Once the shuttle bus comes, everybody just push and snatch each other's bags so to prevent them from boarding.

Of course, it didn't help that there were no TTC employees directing the passengers, where to go etc. Only directed them underground, but no body on the street level. Everybody was exacerbated with each other's attitude.

Anyway, I had heard later that there was an industrial accident which people didn't really hear about, I suppose. I think that in crises like this, it's just better to take a laid-back attitude. So what I did was listen to my MP3 player and take some pictures from my phone. I was trying to be oblivious to people's frustrations about being inconvenient.

I will never get why people get like this just because they're being inconvenienced for a bit. It's not like this happens everyday. I wish the only victim of this whole tragedy rests in peace and that his family is blessed with God's presence.

The park life

2007-04-23T00:08:00.000-04:00

I had the best weekend. I jogged two days in a row, badminton, did karaoke, had so many great/quality conversations with some friends. And the best part was I got some good sunlight.

As I was jogging in my neighborhood park, a lot of memories did surface. At one point, I even sat down and tried to just relish in that moment. I didn't feel burdened with the memories I had over there with both of them. I think many times in our lives, when we let go of the emotions that we've burdened ourselves with, we suddenly see a whole new side to ourselves. That's what I saw, a very strong and happy me. And a lot of dichotomies in my memories, haha.

I remember going there when I was contemplating about breaking off my relationship with the first one, and when we went for fireworks. I remember going there to just talk and walk around with the second one, and sitting there at night when I was miserable in the relationship. I remember going there to bike with my best friend and just talk. Or having a lot of biking races with my siblings. There's so much memories in that park.

When I walked past it this evening, I saw all the families together on the playground or walking together. And I thought to myself, I wished more families were this way. Sitting or walking together, in silence or heavy in conversations. There just doesn't seem to be any time for families to be together, which is too bad.

Everything like new

2007-04-19T11:52:00.000-04:00

Edit: I had lunch with my whole family. Most of you guys already know this: dinners are rare in my house, but lunch together with everyone is even more rare. I'm super happy now :)

Heartbreak is such a small issue, compared to the other things that I've lived through haha. This is just me though because I don't think everyone deals with this sort of the stuff the same way.

I don't know if it's new revelations about life, or I'm just feeling better but this unexplained feeling makes me happy. I was so happy that I was skipping all the way home from the bus stop. This was night time so I don't think anybody caught my weird act. But who cares? I was in my plain clothes and not my business outfits. Then when I went home, I looked at the washroom mirror and made a goofy face at myself and that got me laughing at how weird I am. Until a mini incident which I kind of shared with Carl on MSN but he fell asleep on me haha. He woke up with a stiff neck apparently. (Ahem, serves him right haha)

Had an exam yesterday which went alright, considering we had a fire alarm mid-way and the professor told us to continue on because it was a "small incident" haha.

As of right now, I'm feeling groggy because I woke up in the middle of REM. I got up around 4:30 - 5 AM just to write this dream down. I'm just glad it's not my usual dreams which I've shared with 3 of you, I think.

I need a hug

2007-04-10T01:24:00.000-04:00

Can someone just hold me until it all goes away? Everything's too soon, way too soon. It doesn't even make sense to me.

Merry go round

2007-04-07T19:23:00.000-04:00

I am deliriously happy, deliriously smitten and deliriously energetic. And I'm really stressed.

Must be the coffee.

I can just see the expressions on most of your faces like I've gone lunatic but I wanted to share this: I feel like I can conquer every stubble that I come across in life, that I love my family and can't bear to be without them, that I love my insane friends who I'm never on the same page with, and I love every challenge that presents itself to me.

I hope that anyone who reads this will find a way to live their challenging and dramatic life, to be strong and unbroken when their hearts break endless number of times, to be happy, to break the expectations and stigma associated with them and soar to where their hearts want to go.

Okay, okay! I'll stop being so sappy now and go back to writing my 2nd of 4 essays, all of which are due on April 9th. :)

Acupuncture

2007-04-05T15:42:00.000-04:00

My mom made ginseng with black chicken soup (doesn't look as bad as the previous post lol), and since she knew I haven't had much energy, she gave me a little more than normal amount of ginseng. I ate everything obediently. Couple hours later, I went to sleep for an hour but had to get up because I was just itchy and red all over. Then I broke out in hives and was swelling everywhere, except my face. I was just inches away from going to Emergency.

I thought I'd just wait it out by drinking more water, but the itch and the swelling really got to me. So I had to wake my parents up because I didn't know what to do. I've only broken out in hives once, during first year university, right before Psychology exam. So, my dad made me drink a lot of hot water, to thin out whatever was in my blood, and did acupuncture.

My co-worker suggested I take Benadryl but because the swelling wasn't going at such a high rate as before, I thought I'd refrain and drink more hot water. Fast forward 12 hours later, I am not swelling up as much, still itchy and about to start another essay.

Needless to say, my dad's acupuncture skills saved me.

I was just thinking, I had read my horoscope forecast for this year, and it was saying how I was going to have a very bad year. Well, it was really accurate. I can't wait for May to begin because I just know my luck's going to turn around haha.

Ready to move

2007-04-04T01:15:00.000-04:00

I let my emotions catch up to me today, something I have been trying to hold back for awhile. I'm so caught up with trying to make it through my last semester of full time course loads of school, trying to establish myself in a career that I've grown to love, while mending my heart, and dealing with your news.

I've been trying to make sense of everything that's happened this year. I know I have to go through all of this so I can be stronger, but will it be in vain? I don't want to be one who goes through the rest of life feeling jaded, feeling like I have to protect myself a bit more and be prepared for more turning of events. I've seen too many friends who have turned out to be that way, jaded and eventually unable to love again.

I want you to remember me, and remember me well, as the girl who had loved you when you weren't "successful", when you first discovered your passion, and when you were going through endless of the bottom pit that life threw at you.

I know you'd never realize the kind of impact you had made into my life, or how much you had meant to me, or how much our love couldn't get us through everything like we had hoped for. But I want you to remember me, to thoroughly remember me, for my heart and for my love.

I wasn't ready to say goodbye for the longest time but I am now. I realize now that we weren't meant to be. I'm going to move on not because I have to, but because I don't want to walk the less joyous path of life. I refuse to sit and be mesmerized by the memories, or have taunting dreams about you, or remember the three happy years that got tainted towards the end. The only choice I have for myself is to be happy and that's all I'm going to choose.

Thank you and may you be happy.

Dating

2007-04-01T01:00:00.000-04:00

You know what bugs me? When I'm out on a date, there is nothing interesting to talk about. But you know what's worse? EVEN if you're in a relationship, there is nothing to talk about because the company gets too comfortable.

I wish I would be on a date that is really interesting, where the conversations can spark both our minds. Instead of "oh, the food's good". That just prompts me for one kind of response. Haha, if I try and start up a conversation, the other person doesn't know how to carry it.

I was on this date before and all the guy can do is talk about sports and cars. I mean, sure those are not the kinds of topics I know much or anything about, but isn't there much more than just sports and cars? It's really quite boring and so very typical. I mean, isn't there anything else that moves you?

I think meeting a guy who has a lot to say and speaks with stride, and gentlemanly is sexy. Nothing like that kind of mind that I wouldn't love to meet. But then again, I've been known to expect too much out of a guy's mind, especially for a first date. And talking about current events, debating about politics is probably too boring? haha.

What do you talk about anyway on first dates? I've been on a few dates before but I've already known them for a bit before scouting out the date routine. And I'm really only very good with relationships, just not dating haha.

Mom and Soup

2007-03-29T01:02:00.000-04:00

Tonight, my mom wanted me to call the bank, and being moody as I am due to lack of sleep for two nights in a row (actually I only had 2 hour sleep last night) and more papers, I got annoyed at her and kind of shoo-ed her out of my room. It's just a matter of bad timing on her part that she asked me to look at more paperwork for the restaurant at 12:30 AM when I'm already running without sleep, and have 3 term papers to write before April 9th.

Anyway, my mom makes soup for about 4 nights of the week and we have to consume it. By the way, my mom's idea of soup is having a lot of ingredients in it, but less of the water itself. Tonight was just one of those nights and it was no different, except she asked my dad to bring it up. Haha, she guilt-tripped me with a bowl of soup because she knew I would eventually feel bad for shoo-ing her out of my room. Even though I should have told her I couldn't be bothered with more paperwork.

I don't even like black chicken soup haha. For the longest time, I was convinced my mom was the only one who made chicken soup until, my ex's mom made a lot of the same soup too. I don't mind if it's just the chicken itself with ginger, but nope, my mom decides to color it with dried fruits, dried worms and I don't even know what the other things are anymore.

*Edit* - So, I apologized to my mom and guess what? She lectured me about how a bowl of black chicken soup is really good for the skin, and the kneecaps etc. Moms....haha

Un petit changement

2007-03-28T01:16:00.000-04:00

Hi Everybody!

Hope you all got a chance to either walk or jog around your neighborhood today, what with the splendid weather and all. I felt so refreshed from mine haha.

If you're wondering why the change of blog again, it's mainly because I didn't like the name, "hopeful-days" on the other blog anymore. It just sounded tacky haha. I'm just not good with coming up these "cool" blog names, for some reason.

This site's name, "allaboutjq" was actually suggested by Eric, because apparently I have a "cool" last name. So, thanks Eric! All the other links to your websites will be added probably next month when I work on the layout of this page.

Oh and for those of you who have heard about my dilemma of moving out of Toronto, I have decided to stay here, afterall. Calgary was an obvious choice at first because of the booming industry, but it would have been really hard to find a place to live since their supply of houses are not nearly meeting the demands of all the people who are moving into their city. Vancouver was the second choice but I don't think I would have fit in quite well with their laid-back lifestyle, since I've always been a city girl. My last two choices were New York and Boston, which would have been exciting but then I would have to get accustomed to how their financial industry works. So, I am kind of stuck here haha.

Anyway, moving on...I wrote something during my break earlier at school in the attempts of trying to stay awake haha. I am too lazy to type it again. So I hope you can read the handwriting. I almost don't print anymore unless I have to send my lecture notes to the Note Taking thing at school. (It's a volunteer thing, for those of you who don't go to UTSC.)