Mysterical "Forever"

I'm not sure about other people but I, for one, had really thought "forever and ever" exists, rare but exists nonetheless. I'm not saying the non-existence of "Forever" out of experience, or being cynical etc., because most of you know I'm really not the cynical type. In fact, I'm a complete hopeless romantic. Anyway....

Most people like to make vows and promises during the relationship, or before it starts but almost never get to keep it. Why do people get caught up in the moment and make all these promises when they themselves are not even entirely sure they will carry it through?

In the little corner of my world, "forever" doesn't really exist. I've seen too many great relationships break off, many marriages faulted because of adultery or lies. Why do we keep hoping "forever" happens to us? Why do *I* keep hoping it exists when I'm almost positive it doesn't? Why do I think I'm an exception to this rarity? (See the hopeless romantic thoughts? haha)

This is really why I had my 13-year plan. It's not realistic but the principle behind it is.

TTC

I found myself yesterday morning in an unfortunate situation. Before leaving home, I had not heard about the TTC accident so when I heard that we had to take shuttle buses from York Mills to Eglinton station, I thought yikes! I didn't really have a problem with being late etc. Cuz I thought "yay! anything to avoid taxes and accountants". BUT almost 90% of these adults panicked. Some of them went up to cars and ask for rides. Some of the drivers were really nice to offer people rides but of course what do the TTC passengers do? They push and shove until they're in the car. Almost all these people blocked the roads, preventing anyone from driving. People were just acting like savages. Once the shuttle bus comes, everybody just push and snatch each other's bags so to prevent them from boarding.

Of course, it didn't help that there were no TTC employees directing the passengers, where to go etc. Only directed them underground, but no body on the street level. Everybody was exacerbated with each other's attitude.

Anyway, I had heard later that there was an industrial accident which people didn't really hear about, I suppose. I think that in crises like this, it's just better to take a laid-back attitude. So what I did was listen to my MP3 player and take some pictures from my phone. I was trying to be oblivious to people's frustrations about being inconvenient.

I will never get why people get like this just because they're being inconvenienced for a bit. It's not like this happens everyday. I wish the only victim of this whole tragedy rests in peace and that his family is blessed with God's presence.

The park life

I had the best weekend. I jogged two days in a row, badminton, did karaoke, had so many great/quality conversations with some friends. And the best part was I got some good sunlight.

As I was jogging in my neighborhood park, a lot of memories did surface. At one point, I even sat down and tried to just relish in that moment. I didn't feel burdened with the memories I had over there with both of them. I think many times in our lives, when we let go of the emotions that we've burdened ourselves with, we suddenly see a whole new side to ourselves. That's what I saw, a very strong and happy me. And a lot of dichotomies in my memories, haha.

I remember going there when I was contemplating about breaking off my relationship with the first one, and when we went for fireworks. I remember going there to just talk and walk around with the second one, and sitting there at night when I was miserable in the relationship. I remember going there to bike with my best friend and just talk. Or having a lot of biking races with my siblings. There's so much memories in that park.

When I walked past it this evening, I saw all the families together on the playground or walking together. And I thought to myself, I wished more families were this way. Sitting or walking together, in silence or heavy in conversations. There just doesn't seem to be any time for families to be together, which is too bad.

Everything like new

Edit: I had lunch with my whole family. Most of you guys already know this: dinners are rare in my house, but lunch together with everyone is even more rare. I'm super happy now :)

Heartbreak is such a small issue, compared to the other things that I've lived through haha. This is just me though because I don't think everyone deals with this sort of the stuff the same way.

I don't know if it's new revelations about life, or I'm just feeling better but this unexplained feeling makes me happy. I was so happy that I was skipping all the way home from the bus stop. This was night time so I don't think anybody caught my weird act. But who cares? I was in my plain clothes and not my business outfits. Then when I went home, I looked at the washroom mirror and made a goofy face at myself and that got me laughing at how weird I am. Until a mini incident which I kind of shared with Carl on MSN but he fell asleep on me haha. He woke up with a stiff neck apparently. (Ahem, serves him right haha)

Had an exam yesterday which went alright, considering we had a fire alarm mid-way and the professor told us to continue on because it was a "small incident" haha.

As of right now, I'm feeling groggy because I woke up in the middle of REM. I got up around 4:30 - 5 AM just to write this dream down. I'm just glad it's not my usual dreams which I've shared with 3 of you, I think.

I need a hug

Can someone just hold me until it all goes away? Everything's too soon, way too soon. It doesn't even make sense to me.

Merry go round

I am deliriously happy, deliriously smitten and deliriously energetic. And I'm really stressed.

Must be the coffee.

I can just see the expressions on most of your faces like I've gone lunatic but I wanted to share this: I feel like I can conquer every stubble that I come across in life, that I love my family and can't bear to be without them, that I love my insane friends who I'm never on the same page with, and I love every challenge that presents itself to me.

I hope that anyone who reads this will find a way to live their challenging and dramatic life, to be strong and unbroken when their hearts break endless number of times, to be happy, to break the expectations and stigma associated with them and soar to where their hearts want to go.

Okay, okay! I'll stop being so sappy now and go back to writing my 2nd of 4 essays, all of which are due on April 9th. :)

Acupuncture

My mom made ginseng with black chicken soup (doesn't look as bad as the previous post lol), and since she knew I haven't had much energy, she gave me a little more than normal amount of ginseng. I ate everything obediently. Couple hours later, I went to sleep for an hour but had to get up because I was just itchy and red all over. Then I broke out in hives and was swelling everywhere, except my face. I was just inches away from going to Emergency.

I thought I'd just wait it out by drinking more water, but the itch and the swelling really got to me. So I had to wake my parents up because I didn't know what to do. I've only broken out in hives once, during first year university, right before Psychology exam. So, my dad made me drink a lot of hot water, to thin out whatever was in my blood, and did acupuncture.

My co-worker suggested I take Benadryl but because the swelling wasn't going at such a high rate as before, I thought I'd refrain and drink more hot water. Fast forward 12 hours later, I am not swelling up as much, still itchy and about to start another essay.

Needless to say, my dad's acupuncture skills saved me.

I was just thinking, I had read my horoscope forecast for this year, and it was saying how I was going to have a very bad year. Well, it was really accurate. I can't wait for May to begin because I just know my luck's going to turn around haha.

Ready to move

I let my emotions catch up to me today, something I have been trying to hold back for awhile. I'm so caught up with trying to make it through my last semester of full time course loads of school, trying to establish myself in a career that I've grown to love, while mending my heart, and dealing with your news.

I've been trying to make sense of everything that's happened this year. I know I have to go through all of this so I can be stronger, but will it be in vain? I don't want to be one who goes through the rest of life feeling jaded, feeling like I have to protect myself a bit more and be prepared for more turning of events. I've seen too many friends who have turned out to be that way, jaded and eventually unable to love again.

I want you to remember me, and remember me well, as the girl who had loved you when you weren't "successful", when you first discovered your passion, and when you were going through endless of the bottom pit that life threw at you.

I know you'd never realize the kind of impact you had made into my life, or how much you had meant to me, or how much our love couldn't get us through everything like we had hoped for. But I want you to remember me, to thoroughly remember me, for my heart and for my love.

I wasn't ready to say goodbye for the longest time but I am now. I realize now that we weren't meant to be. I'm going to move on not because I have to, but because I don't want to walk the less joyous path of life. I refuse to sit and be mesmerized by the memories, or have taunting dreams about you, or remember the three happy years that got tainted towards the end. The only choice I have for myself is to be happy and that's all I'm going to choose.

Thank you and may you be happy.

Dating

You know what bugs me? When I'm out on a date, there is nothing interesting to talk about. But you know what's worse? EVEN if you're in a relationship, there is nothing to talk about because the company gets too comfortable.

I wish I would be on a date that is really interesting, where the conversations can spark both our minds. Instead of "oh, the food's good". That just prompts me for one kind of response. Haha, if I try and start up a conversation, the other person doesn't know how to carry it.

I was on this date before and all the guy can do is talk about sports and cars. I mean, sure those are not the kinds of topics I know much or anything about, but isn't there much more than just sports and cars? It's really quite boring and so very typical. I mean, isn't there anything else that moves you?

I think meeting a guy who has a lot to say and speaks with stride, and gentlemanly is sexy. Nothing like that kind of mind that I wouldn't love to meet. But then again, I've been known to expect too much out of a guy's mind, especially for a first date. And talking about current events, debating about politics is probably too boring? haha.

What do you talk about anyway on first dates? I've been on a few dates before but I've already known them for a bit before scouting out the date routine. And I'm really only very good with relationships, just not dating haha.